Insecure and Vulnerable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Insecure and Vulnerable
1
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 1:10pm

Well, it seems like I have found myself back into insecure waters... I feel like my confidence only has a shelf life of 3 months! Then after that I turn into an insecure fretful drama seeking person???

Basically, what's different this time is that I am aware of my emotions and I'm trying to actually talk through them... But it has really made some problems surface that I have been avoiding all these years...

My current bf is really wonderful and I love him very much! We are both good to each other. I take care of him, he takes care of me... It's been nice! A nice change of pace from all the DRAMA that has gone on in my life.

Now, the scary part... I want to share my feelings and thoughts with him, but I am still trying to sort them out myself... For the first time in my life I have really let someone in and it's REALLY scary! I feel emotionally naked! He has been nothing but supportive, sweet, and encouraging me to open and share... so that has helped a lot. But I don't want to be this insecure person! There's so much a person can do to reassure you everyday, then it gets OLD! I do see a counselor once a week so that helps...

I'm posting now to get some more opinions and thoughts on how to get rid of DRAMA.... my counselor said that since I've been so used to it, attracted it and causing it over the past 20 years, that it will take months maybe years before it's completely out of my system...

Here I find my life relatively drama free (on the relationship front), and I'm anxious... I feel like I am looking for things... For example, both my bf and I are in our 30s, so we've had our experiences... Now I ask myself, why am I so worried about his past? I told him I didn't want to know any details (how many, looks, situations)... I REALLY DON'T... I just needed to know the major ones. Like engagement, longest relationship, children with anyone, STDs, etc... He has obliged and respected my request. He answered what I asked of him, and has been good about not saying anything else (the things I don't want details about). But even so, just the smallest thing and something inside of me (I try and control it, but I can't) gets triggered and I find myself obsessing again...

Also, even though I think of the bad relationships in the past and how I sustained the WORST treatment without question... it still doesn't help my obsessing over these insecure thoughts... Example... My past bf was VERY insecure and everything I did he questioned. My clothes, my friends, my family, everything! When I would tell him what pleased me in bed, for example, he assumed I was this slut and he started to have these different dreams about me.... How I was with all these different men and I was going to cheat on him!

After going through THAT you would think I would be more sensitive and not do the same thing to my current bf that my ex bf did to me, right? (Sorry if I lost anyone...I'm trying to put things in a nutshell as best as I can)... Well, so far I have stopped myself from taking that road, and have looked at things in a more "rational" way...

I confiding in him this weekend about my problems with insecurity and how I'm trying to work through it... He was very understanding and told me to tell him whatever I felt comfortable telling him.... I told him I think it's because I was so used to NOT communicating in my past relationships... I think I chose inexperienced guys to be in control... and that the ones that were "experienced", I chose to ignore my insecure feelings and was under the "what I don't know won't hurt me" umbrella...

I don't know anymore! I just know I need to get over my insecurities if I am going to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship... because that is what I want now... I'm through with being treated badly, and I'm done with feeling like I don't measure up!

How do other women deal with fact that your man has a past, and has been with other women? Do you share the intimate details? Do you just ignore the idea?

Again, I have talked to him... He's done everything he can to reassure me... Told me that he's not "on the prowl", that he doesn't compare people (everyone is different), that he loves me and is happy to be with me, he says he has nothing to prove (no notches to put on his belt), no sexual conquests, he's not looking to "score", he's not out to play games.

He doesn't want to say or do anything that will hurt me... Nor has he... I know it's my issue... I can turn the most innocent statement into a "What did you mean by that?" or "What does that mean?" I know that if sex was THE thing to be "GOOD" at, and there was a guaranteed that no one would leave you if you were the "BEST". Then we would be taking classes in high school and college on "How to keep your man by being the best at sex". And people who write books like, "Women are from Venus, and Men are from Mars" and "The fundementals of marriage" would go out of business! I think I answered some of my own questions... I guess if I tell myself everyday that I am good enough then it might finally sink in... SMILE

Sorry for the novel again, it seems like I always post pages and pages...

Thanks for listening!

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:59am

Admittedly I'm responding because although I too have the absolute best man in the world at my side (looks like they at least made two of them - one for each of us), I go through the same ups and downs with the whole "ex" thing. Why us?

After some thought, the reason I'm bothered by thoughts of his "past" is because he keeps bringing stuff up that frankly, I really don't need to hear or care about. He'll relate things about us to "exes" that I feel negate the specialness of our own relationship. And no, I'm not talking in an intimate regard (that's not just tacky, but just plain tasteless).

Everyone's different, and we all have our own wants and needs that we expect out of our relationships. I'm hoping one day my man will realize what mine are in this regard and respect that. I know I would certainly do the same if I were asked, as I'm sure most of us would out of our love for the other.

But that doesn't sound like the core of your issue.
One thing I know is that unless we gain control over our thoughts (myself included), we risk driving our men away. Shy of a saint, no one should be expected to tolerate extreme behavior for an extended period of time.

Good for you that you've sought outside expertise to help keep things in perspective. Working through any deeply-rooted issues is hard work. And that bulk of the work doesn't cease when your 50 minutes are up.

I hope sharing my own perspective helped a little. I wish you the best of luck making your own relationship work for the both of you!