Isn't it IRONIC?
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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 3:35pm |
Okay... I just need a place to vent and be reassured in some cosmic way...
Here's the very-short version of the story:
I reentered the dating world back in August... slowly at first giving myself time to heal and time to get to know myself again... Then I went on a lot of dates and learned things about people and about myself...
Okay... so far so good... Then I ran into an old "friend" of mine (we'll call him Jack) who we've only been casual friends but I always had a small crush on... Since I was single and he was single, I thought maybe the timing was finally right... So I asked him out in a group first... Then after getting the "green Light" from him... I asked him out solo... I thought he expressed interest in me and seemed keen on maybe more than friends (from his actions and words)... No kissing took place... The last "date" we went on was Thanksgiving Weekend. I called him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving... He called me back 3 days later, I mentioned a movie, he suggested going to see it that night. So we went to the movies... I thought we had a good time, I got his e-mail address and e-mailed him a few times (never got a response)... he had told me when he gave me the address that he hardly checks his e-mail...
After that... NOTHING... I thought I would let him take the lead... And after the movie he gave the time old "I'll call you" line... but he never did... So after learning my lesson from the dating months I followed the "He's just not into you"... and moved on... Plus, I realized he is a classic "holiday" avoider... Didn't call during Thansgiving, Christmas, or New Year's...
Well, in the meantime...I found an absolutely wonderful man, who has all the qualities I was looking for, and on top of that he has the same interest level... I never have to guess if he's going to call, if he likes me, if I'll met any of his friends or family etc... Also, I was estatic because I actually love him back! Normally it's only one-sided...
Well, you guessed it! Jack called! I nearly fell off my chair... He calls me 3 days after New Year's to wish me a Happy New Year and asks if I want to go see a movie (which he already picked out, so no option, and at the "cheap" theatre), also he gave me 2 hours notice (I have a son who I would need to make arrangements)... I turned it down (not only because I am now in a relationship, but because I have learned my lesson to no longer accept last minute invitations especially when I don't even like the movie)... Then 2 weeks pass by, he calls again... this time it's to see if I want to go listen to classical music (one of my favorites), this time he gave me 3 days notice... I declined (I turned it down this time because I have a boyfriend who I'm in love with)...
Okay, so what's the problem you ask? I just feel annoyed that it happens like this EVERY TIME! When I'm interested in someone (especially a really good looking guy)... they run away from me and never call me back... the minute I'm in a relationship (Jack doesn't know I now have a BF)... They all come back... It makes me flattered on one hand and DEPRESSED on the other... like I wasn't good enough before... I think it's a test... to see if I've matured enough to realize a good thing when I've got one (my current bf)... Can anyone else relate???
Edited 1/24/2006 3:49 pm ET by pooldiva

Hello Pooldiva! Basically, all I gonna say is that he threw you "back into the sea". My condensed version is that he came to realize that you are a desirable woman. What I would have a problem with is the last minute thang. In my eyes, that's a no-go. It would make me feel as if I was second choice (especially, because you have a child to consider - you can't just pop up and go wherever). I truly don't want to sound harsh, but if this new person is giving you the time and respect you deserve, in your shoes I would put him ahead of the other guy. It's like when someone sees what they're screwed up, then they want to come back. I'm gonna keep this brief, cuz there is so much I would like to add, but I hope the other posters will help you accordingly.
P.S. - Again, I hope I haven't offended you in any way. Trust me, Jack knows someone else is in the picture. I'll leave with you are not responding as he is used to. From reading your post, you are a strong woman, and I believe you'll make the right choice for you and your child. Take care of you and yours. Peace.
He's not interested in you. And yes, you have a really good thing right now...don't forget that. From what you're saying, he's just not sure of himself. Maybe he's just looking for a female to hang out with, or whatever. Maybe he was looking to have sex with you or see if he could get you into bed. But I wouldn't waste you're time on someone that's sending mixed signals like that. Anyone that was a true friend, wouldn't do that to me. For me I wouldn't allow someone to come in and out of my life like that, it's either one way or the other. Don't ever allow a man to do that to yourself, while you still thinking and wondering about things, the what if's and all that. I don't know if Jack is younger or older than you, but he seems to be a little immature. Know that you are better than that.
Yes they all come back at some point or another, some come back looking for sex, others come back knowing they made a mistake and want to fall back into that familiar spot, and other come back as true friends. I just became single, and it will be interesting to see when my ex will come back...LOL...he still has the nerve to ask me for sex..because he knows it's good...he's horny...and he thinks I'll give in...and I haven't. Sorry I'm not wastin 5 minutes. Time to go for some bigger better d***..LMAO.
You seem to be happy and in love with you're new guy, and you did the right thing by turning Jack down. I'm sorry but if a man can't get a clue, and step up to the plate or be honest with others, it's not worth it. Save yourself the hurt and aggravation. I don't know if you talk with Jack at all anymore, but if I were you, and you wanted to be friends, be clear with him and tell him you're true feelings about the situation, and then just let it be.
He may understand and then again he may not, but know that if it was meant to be it will. If not, you just need to wish that person the best and move on with you're life. Remember that the easiest answer is almost always the right one, and life is way too short to be wasting your time on someone who is immature, sends mixed signals and plays games. They need time to grow up and figure it out just like everyone else.
Hello freedom56! Thanks for the response...
I read this article that said:
Two things are important to know here about asking questions and finding out the "real deal" early on:
A) Only IMMATURE men who already have fears and resistance to commitment and relationships will actually get "scared off" IF a woman asks questions in a mature, playful, and conversational way.
B) The upside here is that emotionally mature and open guys will be drawn in, not pushed away. In fact, direct questions, communicated in the right way, are THE KEY to figuring out what kind of guy you're dealing with - plus they provide you with all kinds of answers about the man's real character and mindset by his response.
I liked your analogy of him throwing me back in the sea... I am so happy that I have matured enough and am healthier (emotionally) in my life to notice things sooner and listen to my gut instinct...
As you said, my current guy is definitly giving me the time and respect I deserve, this is what I realized when I looked at the grand scheme of things and I definitly see how valuable that is to me when searching for a suitable partner...
You definitly did not offend me, and I'm glad you were "harsh"... It made me feel like you understand the situation.
Thank you for the words of encouragement... I wish you the best for you and yours as well!
Hey sweatpea79!
It's nice to hear what you said... It re-evaluated what I already knew deep down... Like you said... Who knows what he wanted... and I'm tired of filling-in-the-blanks with people who give me mixed signals... And I'm through with giving the wrong people too much credit (when they don't deserve it)... Good call on Jack being younger than me... not much though... He'll be 29 this year, I just turned 30. But as far as I'm concerned, he's old enough to know how things work by now... Plus, I've learned two hard lesson with guys (well more than two, but I'd be writing here forever)... Actions really do speak louder than words... If they ever say they don't know what they want or they don't think they'll ever get married (and you want a "real" relationship or LTR) DROP THAT LOSER AND RUN!
You really hit the nail on the head when you said they all come back... It's SO TRUE! My last bf tried that cr** with me... and also tried to request sex after we broke up (like you said, he knew how good it was, haha) and I fixed his boat real good... I may have been unable to stand up to him while we were dating, but once we broke up I was able to put him in his place... He'll never forget the lesson I paid him!
I know how wonderful my new man is and how much love I feel for him (and it's not because he buys me things... It's the time, attention, affection, respect, mutual interests, consistency, maturity, etc that he provides our relationship with)...
So, thank you again for listening, and I'm glad to hear some other women out there are being strong and not putting up with those immature, indecisive, lazy guys who give us less than we deserve!
Here's an update... Jack called to see if he could come out Wednesday to hang out at the poolhall I usually go to on Wed... I told him sure he is welcome to come out and shoot with "us" I said... meaning a group (he knows a lot of the same group)... Me and my bf were running a little late, but I didn't call Jack to tell him I was running late (honestly, I didn't think he'd show up.. or if he did I didn't know what time)...
I had just finished telling my bf about how my friend Jack might come out to shoot with us... that my cellphone rang... It was Jack, he told me he was wondering where I was, and that he was feeling under the weather and was thinking of leaving if I wasn't going to get there soon... So I told him we would be there in 10 min, so he said that he would stay around long enough to grab a beer and say "HI" to me... We got there and he was right in front of us, so I walked up and gave him a hug and then I immediately introduced my bf to him and vice-versa. He was very friendly and chatted with us... then I went to put my stuff down. I had to play a match, and after a break in my match...I noticed Jack was waiting close to the door looking over at me... So I walked up to him and said I guess you are leaving... and gave him a hug. I told him thanks for coming out and maybe we'll all get together sometime... He chimed yes, that would be cool.. I'll be going away this weekend, but I'll give you a call when I get back. So I told him bye.
End of story.
Edited 1/27/2006 4:11 pm ET by pooldiva
Edited 1/27/2006 4:12 pm ET by pooldiva
Hey Pool.
Listen I hear ya, frankly Jack is playin games with you. I would be surprised if he called to do something with you anymore. Which in this case...WHO CARES. It seems like you're on the right track in what your thinking and feelings with Jack. Even at the age of 29, I still think he's actin like he's 18. And yes, there are the occasional few that don't grow up by age 30.
Think about it, does Jack have a "career", did he go to college, was/has he ever been friends with ex's, and is he financially sound (like he's not broke or spending stuff on crap), how is his family life...does he come from a broken home? With my ex, he is still trying to "find himself", and trying to establish his "career", granted he's getting there but then again he hasn't gotten his financial stuff together...he still buys "toys". Plus he's too immature to be with anything or anyone like myself. But hey at least I didn't marry that a$$.
Most guys that are floating around in life fall under one of those categories. My ex does. If the guy can't take care of himself, how can a girl expect him to have a decent relationship...it just doesn't work. There are some that do it very early on, and there are others that grow up after their 40...it just depends. Keep in mind something big... you have the upper hand in this, make sure you keep it that way. You got someone you are in love with, yet you have someone that's trying to hold on and waits in the wings just in case.
Here's an update on me, I e-mailed an ex from years ago. And things were on friendly terms, he emailed me back saying that I've always been a good friend and he wanted to keep it that way. Which was really nice to hear after all that time. My ex came back kinda about 2 years ago when I had my RL with my now ex, I talked with him for a while, but then stopped calling him. Seriously, I'm learning that if an ex is truely your friend he will be your friend...granted with the occasional sexual tension. A friend isn't a friend if he hurts or disrespects you. I do miss the good times with my ex, and he was for the most part a good friend, but I know that we both are hurt and need to move on. Maybe in time, if we run into each other again things will be in a better place between us, and maybe he'll be able to sustain a "friendship" with me. As much history as we have had...I wouldn't doubt he would do something to contact me again. We shall see :-)
Let this new guy take you away from anything to do with Jack. I have someone new in my life that right now we are just talking, hopefully he'll help me to move on. Keep in mind this to get over one you need to get under another. It may or may not be true in your case, but to get over an ex, you need a new BF to get him off your mind. I think you'll be OK. Good Luck!
Hi pooldiva!
Yeah, they always seem to resurface at the most inconvenient times, and they *always* realize too late.