This is a great article because it discloses the fact that men and women are different and have different ideas about what relationships are. I think many women are always looking for the new "best" friend. Someone to giggle with, tell secrets to, and be all warm and fuzzy with. That's not most men. Now if you wanted to get close out on the basketball court, hang out at the speedway, help take a car engine apart, or drink beer and watch football all day Sunday then you might just find that new best friend. But most of us women just aren't into that. And most men aren't into shopping, crafts, or talking about weddings, babies or feelings.
This is what SO and I had our big nuclear war about yesterday - feelings - particularly mine. Feeling is a word so foreign to him that if I say it to him it's like sticking him with a hot poker. If I say "I feel" I might as well be saying "I have leprosy" because the reaction is pretty much the same - he wants to run the other way. And then I get hurt and mad, which is even more "feelings" and this becomes an avalanche of emotion that has no where to go.
The funny thing about is that when I was married, I never felt the deep emotions that I've felt with SO - I just accepted, even though I wasn't happy with it. Marriage, in itself, made me feel trapped in my situation so there was no use fighting. Now, at the very least, I stand up for myself. I get angry (boy, do I get angry). I have a temper that can rival a badger, and if I feel I'm being mistreated I'm not afraid to say so in no uncertain terms.
But do men really hear us when we complain about "feelings"? I think there are a few who are attuned to emotion. My father is one. He's very sensitive; very empathetic. If he weren't my dad he'd make a great partner. But I think he's one out a million. I think the majority of men are, like the article said, very testosterone driven and the testosterone overrides the ability to "feel". Estrogen is the hormone of emotion; that is why we women have so much of it - we need it for that nurturing emotion that drives us to care for our infants. While men can care for an infant, it's not necessarily within their biological makeup.
There truly is a huge chasm between genders when it comes to emotion. As women I think we want relationships that mirror Cinderella or love stories or movies, and disappointment sets in when our relationships fail to follow the script. Men want relationships that are simply there - food on the table, roof over the head, sex in the bed. What more could one ask for? We want flowers and bubble bathes and candles, they just want to go out and kill the water buffalo, drag it home and have it cooked for them. The simpler life is, the more they can understand it.
I agree totally with the part in the article that talked about young men wanting to stake out their territory in life before becoming committed. I see that in my son and his friends - all 18, 19, 20 year olds. Marriage is the last thing on their minds. In fact, my son has one friend in his early 20's who is dating a high school senior. He says all the girls his own age want to get married and he's not interested in that so he dates a high schooler, knowing marriage is not so much a priority to her.
Boys take longer to grow up than girls. And boys aren't as complicated as girls. We women sometimes forget that, but men also have a tendency to be a little "simpler" than they should be. :-)
Thanks for posting this, I ran out of time to post yesterday. I had to run out after work and did not think about it till I got home. This is an interesting article. I will re-read it and then post because my brain is so full of garbage right now it is crazy, I can't remember a thing from 5 mins ago let alone yesterday.
>>>>>>"In fact, my son has one friend in his early 20's who is dating a high school senior. He says all the girls his own age want to get married and he's not interested in that so he dates a high schooler, knowing marriage is not so much a priority to her."
Thta's so scary. Girls his age want to get married already? Jeez. Scary. <<<<<<
Is it really that scary? I mean with so many STD's and single parents around girls think being married is a good route to keep them from going through this. I mean with the high rate of younger people having sex so early it is atleast good they are thinking of settling down and just not a roll in the hay.
And then you think about how many of those young girls are now divorced with 2-5 kids at age 25. Living on their own, trying to support their family....minus the dad. He may be in their lives, but overall, they're divorced.
I guess I'm just a cynic cuz I was the CL on Divorced and Under 30. Do you know how many of them were 22-25? With 2-5 kids?
When all they had to do was grow up a bit more, mature, have time to have fun, party, LIVE life a little before settling down. Most of those youngins, were married around 18-21. To their high school sweethearts, or men they were with for a year or so....but OH SO IN LOVE. Had kids, cuz you konw, it's the next thign to do. Some finished school, some were in it, some quit due to household "duties".
I guess, I'd rather see young women get THEIR lives in order before joining a "team" environment and have kids within a year.
Obviously, you can see I'm against ppl getting married young. I see more failed marriages than not (and no, I'm not talking about ppl from any generation older than ours), when they are that young. And usually the reason for divorce has been, "one partner wants to experience single life again.....married life has too many responsibilities" or "the grass is greener" or "someone cheated".
Not to cynical to me, I was one who was married at 18 divorced by 23 with a child. I am not for someone marrying so young, I wished they waited until late 20's early 30's before deciding but I do see that being a big focus. At least it was for me and many other young women I see now. I know not many are as fortunate as I to be able to pick myself up and go on with life.
I don't know which is really better - marrying young or waiting. My sister married at 16, had her first child at 18, had 3 more kids after that, and by the time she was 36 she was a grandmother and before she was 45 all her kids were grown and gone. She's still married to the same man, BTW.
On the other hand, SO didn't marry until he was 30, had his first child at 35, and he'll be 57 before the youngest graduates high school.
I was 28 when my son was born. I think I was the perfect age. I'm glad I wasn't any younger or any older. It's worked out good.
You either do the job early and get it out of the way, or you do the job later and by then you're heading into your older years. That's been part of the difficulty between SO and I (we are only mildly holding on at this point). My son's grown, I'm eager to move on in life. He has at least 3 more years of child-rearing.
So, there are pros and cons to everything. You can party-hearty in your 20's and then take on those middle of the night feedings at age 30 and those mouthy teenagers at 45, or you can have the kids early on and have the rest of you life to enjoy before you turn 50. It's all a matter of planning.
Well mine somewhat does. lol. He likes to chuff in the morning until I wake up and pay some attention to him. lol. Ugh, it's like have a small child around. bleah.
The best part of pets......when I wanna go away, there's such things as KENNELS!!!! hehehe.
Too bad we don't have that for kids. lol. Overnight day care. Oh wait, it's called the grandparents home. lol
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This is a great article because it discloses the fact that men and women are different and have different ideas about what relationships are. I think many women are always looking for the new "best" friend. Someone to giggle with, tell secrets to, and be all warm and fuzzy with. That's not most men. Now if you wanted to get close out on the basketball court, hang out at the speedway, help take a car engine apart, or drink beer and watch football all day Sunday then you might just find that new best friend. But most of us women just aren't into that. And most men aren't into shopping, crafts, or talking about weddings, babies or feelings.
This is what SO and I had our big nuclear war about yesterday - feelings - particularly mine. Feeling is a word so foreign to him that if I say it to him it's like sticking him with a hot poker. If I say "I feel" I might as well be saying "I have leprosy" because the reaction is pretty much the same - he wants to run the other way. And then I get hurt and mad, which is even more "feelings" and this becomes an avalanche of emotion that has no where to go.
The funny thing about is that when I was married, I never felt the deep emotions that I've felt with SO - I just accepted, even though I wasn't happy with it. Marriage, in itself, made me feel trapped in my situation so there was no use fighting. Now, at the very least, I stand up for myself. I get angry (boy, do I get angry). I have a temper that can rival a badger, and if I feel I'm being mistreated I'm not afraid to say so in no uncertain terms.
But do men really hear us when we complain about "feelings"? I think there are a few who are attuned to emotion. My father is one. He's very sensitive; very empathetic. If he weren't my dad he'd make a great partner. But I think he's one out a million. I think the majority of men are, like the article said, very testosterone driven and the testosterone overrides the ability to "feel". Estrogen is the hormone of emotion; that is why we women have so much of it - we need it for that nurturing emotion that drives us to care for our infants. While men can care for an infant, it's not necessarily within their biological makeup.
There truly is a huge chasm between genders when it comes to emotion. As women I think we want relationships that mirror Cinderella or love stories or movies, and disappointment sets in when our relationships fail to follow the script. Men want relationships that are simply there - food on the table, roof over the head, sex in the bed. What more could one ask for? We want flowers and bubble bathes and candles, they just want to go out and kill the water buffalo, drag it home and have it cooked for them. The simpler life is, the more they can understand it.
I agree totally with the part in the article that talked about young men wanting to stake out their territory in life before becoming committed. I see that in my son and his friends - all 18, 19, 20 year olds. Marriage is the last thing on their minds. In fact, my son has one friend in his early 20's who is dating a high school senior. He says all the girls his own age want to get married and he's not interested in that so he dates a high schooler, knowing marriage is not so much a priority to her.
Boys take longer to grow up than girls. And boys aren't as complicated as girls. We women sometimes forget that, but men also have a tendency to be a little "simpler" than they should be. :-)
Great post DD.
>>>>>>"In fact, my son has one friend in his early 20's who is dating a high school senior. He says all the girls his own age want to get married and he's not interested in that so he dates a high schooler, knowing marriage is not so much a priority to her."
Thta's so scary. Girls his age want to get married already? Jeez. Scary. <<<<<<
Is it really that scary? I mean with so many STD's and single parents around girls think being married is a good route to keep them from going through this. I mean with the high rate of younger people having sex so early it is atleast good they are thinking of settling down and just not a roll in the hay.
And then you think about how many of those young girls are now divorced with 2-5 kids at age 25. Living on their own, trying to support their family....minus the dad. He may be in their lives, but overall, they're divorced.
I guess I'm just a cynic cuz I was the CL on Divorced and Under 30. Do you know how many of them were 22-25? With 2-5 kids?
When all they had to do was grow up a bit more, mature, have time to have fun, party, LIVE life a little before settling down. Most of those youngins, were married around 18-21. To their high school sweethearts, or men they were with for a year or so....but OH SO IN LOVE. Had kids, cuz you konw, it's the next thign to do. Some finished school, some were in it, some quit due to household "duties".
I guess, I'd rather see young women get THEIR lives in order before joining a "team" environment and have kids within a year.
Obviously, you can see I'm against ppl getting married young. I see more failed marriages than not (and no, I'm not talking about ppl from any generation older than ours), when they are that young. And usually the reason for divorce has been, "one partner wants to experience single life again.....married life has too many responsibilities" or "the grass is greener" or "someone cheated".
Jeez, what a depressing cynic I am.
I don't know which is really better - marrying young or waiting. My sister married at 16, had her first child at 18, had 3 more kids after that, and by the time she was 36 she was a grandmother and before she was 45 all her kids were grown and gone. She's still married to the same man, BTW.
On the other hand, SO didn't marry until he was 30, had his first child at 35, and he'll be 57 before the youngest graduates high school.
I was 28 when my son was born. I think I was the perfect age. I'm glad I wasn't any younger or any older. It's worked out good.
You either do the job early and get it out of the way, or you do the job later and by then you're heading into your older years. That's been part of the difficulty between SO and I (we are only mildly holding on at this point). My son's grown, I'm eager to move on in life. He has at least 3 more years of child-rearing.
So, there are pros and cons to everything. You can party-hearty in your 20's and then take on those middle of the night feedings at age 30 and those mouthy teenagers at 45, or you can have the kids early on and have the rest of you life to enjoy before you turn 50. It's all a matter of planning.
Well mine somewhat does. lol. He likes to chuff in the morning until I wake up and pay some attention to him. lol. Ugh, it's like have a small child around. bleah.
The best part of pets......when I wanna go away, there's such things as KENNELS!!!! hehehe.
Too bad we don't have that for kids. lol. Overnight day care. Oh wait, it's called the grandparents home. lol
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