Is it possible to find a committment ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Is it possible to find a committment ...
11
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:33pm

Is it possible to find a committment when either or both have children?



  • Yes
  • No

  • Please feel free to comment after you vote

  • I'd like to know why you feel that way.


You will be able to change your vote.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 1:30am
its's possible but difficult when additional family members are involved. As long as there are ground rules as to you devotion to each other, then to all other family members with no bias. It can work
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:40am

I apologize if the layout of my poll isnt right. Its a first for me !! LOL I started it based on my own need for some help and also the fact that lately I see some posts here on the board with others dealing with children and relationships.

Hoping for some more responses !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:55am

Well I have no children myself but have a relationship with a man who has 2 children, a 3 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. This is a first for me. I wasn't worried initially as I didn't know if we would last but after 6 months together he decided to introduce me to his children. I honestly thought that if they didnt like me this would be the end of us and was very concerned about meeting them. We did it gradually, an hour here, a couple of hours there. I didn't want to always be around when he had them as I didn't want them to think I was taking up valuable "daddy" time and start resenting me. We were never affectionate in front of them and I never stayed the night at first. They were still getting used to the idea that mummy and daddy didnt live together anymore even though its been 18 months since they split up. In fact his little boy still doesnt understand what is going on so we didn't want to confuse them with adding me to the mix. But the last couple of times they have seen me, they have asked me to sleep the night so this weekend just gone, thats exactly what I did. Then we got up on Sunday, took them out for the day and all sat together in the evening for a roast dinner. We had a great time and have experienced no problems so far. I think it helps that their mummy has got together with someone albeit the guy she had the affair with but now they see mummy and daddy with different people, they seem to accept the situation. His son was always happy to see me and play with me but his daughter was much more wary. I feel she has accepted me now though as this weekend she drew me a picture, asked to sit with me and generally just wanted to be around me. It made me feel so good and I know my boyfriend appreciates the fact we all seem to get on together. I feel that this will strengthen our committment.
The only fly in the ointment is I have to learn to accept that his ex wife will also be around which is something im finding hard to come to terms with but slowly and gradually, im accepting it and it doesn't worry me so much now.

Don't know if this is the sort of response you were hoping for but I hope Ive been of some help.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:18am

I don't understand your question...if it weren't *possible*, then there wouldn't be any stepparents in the world, and there obviously are so...can you clarify what you were trying to get at?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:45am
Quite simply how well does it work, and how difficult is it to mesh together two families. Or as some have posted lately, what about the person without children who gets involved with the person that does? In my opinion I think while your still raising children, it must be very difficult to move into a transition of meshing two families together.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:10pm

I've dated men with children (I do not have any) and have not found it to be an issue in those relationships...we broke up for other reasons (different ones in each case, but none having to do with the kids).

I don't doubt that there are challenges involved with blending families (one only has to lurk on the stepparents board to see that that's the case) but I'm not sure how those challenges affect "commitment"...seems to me those are two separate issues. If you're committed to the relationship, you'll work together to find a solution to the challenges.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:30pm

Sheri,

I have to disagree with you on that one. The challenges can effect the committment. You can see it right here on this board. People are writing in that are faced with this issue, wether he should move and leave his kids behind, wether she should move and take her children farther from their father.

As a parent myself of 4, I think those "challenges" can affect a committment and for so many reasons. Its not always possible for 2 committed people to work through every challenge they face, and children in my opinion can be the most difficult.

Imagine the jealousy between the children, the child feeling threatened by these new children and this man/woman in their lives. Then theres alway the x factor, meaning in the background is always the childs mother/father. Raising children is a serious job, not one to be taken lightly.

Im just of the opinion myself that it would be better for everyone concerned if two people finished raising their children (at least till 17 years of age) before stepping into a committed relationship, living together arrangement or marriage.

Just my opinion!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:46pm

Ok fair enough, you're certainly entitled to your opinion ;-). I think with creativity, compassion and commitment, many if not most challenges of this nature could be resolved, but I totally understand and respect your viewpoint.

I come from a blended family myself...my father died when I was 17 and my mom remarried about 4 years later, when 2 of my siblings were still young. Were things perfect? Of course not, far from it in fact...but even with the problems, I'm glad my mom found someone new to love. They've been married for over 25 years now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:16pm

Sheri,
I think its wonderful that your mother found that love again. I have a neice by marriage that lost her father at a young age, her mother chose not to remarry all those years. She felt it was best to raise her children alone. Unfortunately now that her children are grown, she finds herself quite lonely at times, and now unsure how to start a relationship at this point.

Its not that I dont think these situations can work, I just wonder about it, now being a divorced mother, and having a relationship with a man who also has children. I look at us and my children and wonder if it could really work out. All this time Ive known him for 10 months now, he has always said he'd never marry again. We were talking the other night about our future, be it together or with someone else, and he has now said he could see it, but maybe not for a few years when his sons are both older. He feels at this point, that it would be simplier once they are both through high school or the youngest about finished. His youngest will be 13 this year. I tend to agree with him, because something like this could be a big change for a young teenager to handle and adapt too.

I was curious basically, not planning a wedding or a shacking up !! LOL At least not yet in my life. Im sure no matter what age the children are, this can always be a difficult challenge. We actually live a little over an hour from each other, and have discussed the possibility of me selling my home next June (2007) when my son finishes high school, so that we can live closer to each other. With my son in his junior year I would never think of selling and moving right now. But it is a thought and a talk that my bf and I have had. With our relationship being just 10 months old, is another reason I wouldnt make a move just yet either.

By the way God Bless your Mom and your stepdad!! Its wonderful to see people that have found true happiness !!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:36pm

I'm a big believer in, "if it's meant to be, it'll work out." If this situation doesn't, perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. But that doesn't mean there's not *another* man (or men) out there with whom things *could* work (maybe one who already lives in your DS's school district, just as an example).

I guess I'm just saying, don't give up hope that you can find a committed relationship, even if this one doesn't work out. Does that make any sense?

Sheri

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