Is it really cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Is it really cheating?
6
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 2:54pm
What is cheating to you? I know I have asked this but it is a question that nags and nags at me. I was thinking last night about this, before cheating was something I thought was done when “ones attentions strays from the relationship onto another��� but then I asked how is that defined and how do you know your definition of it isn’t that differently of your mate? Ok, for instance your guy has women friend and you have male friends. You do not cross the line of being with your male friend as much as you boyfriend. But on the other hand your boyfriend spends as much time with his female friends as he does you. Example, calls them every morning to wake them up and if he doesn’t call they call him. Your male friend you have called him sometimes to give a wake up call but not everyday. Now wouldn’t that consider he was cheating?



































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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:51am

Hello, Thats a very important topic to me. I know that nobodys is perfect but their are limits and thats when love and RESPECT come into play. Me and my bf believe we should not have friends of the opposite sex maybe only as acquaintances but nothing more. it's dangerous, and theres never much of a good outcome of that. me and my own bf fell for eachother bc we became very close friends so what does that tell you. You have to be careful and always keep your eyes and ears open. I have known many people in my life most of the time when the guys were really close to the girls it was bc they had feelings for them. i believe guys do not need girls as their friends guys are not like us emotionally to that point, girls can be friends with guys and be completely platonic. but dont get me wrong im not saying its always the guy its sometimes the girls that have the feelings. Youre obviously feeling somewhat uncomfortable towards it so you need to talk and compromise something. You dont have to be as strict as me and my bf but there is a limit to friendships of the opposite sex once youre in a serious relationship. Let him know that youre feeling uncomfortable and that theres a limit. YOU are supposed to be his bestfriend, the one he turns to and talks to about everything. His priorities should be set on you, and other than women in his family he shouldnt be close to any other women like that at all. So yes i think it is an easy way to cheat and their is way more of a possibility. flirting is another not so good thing to do. Anyways i wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
CR

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 7:58am

I wouldn't call my SO talking to a female friend everyday cheating but it would make me uncomfortabel and I wouldn't hesitate to let him know it did.

To me cheating is having a relationship with a person other then your partner that either has or very likely could lead to a romantic relationship with that other person. It doesn't neccessarily have to be physical. If you've ever hard of the legal concept of "alienation of affection", that's what I think cheating is.

Your partner should be the first person you wnat to talk to, be with, share good news with, share bad news with etc. That doesn't mean that sometimes you aren't going to tell a friend first because maybe the good news is a bout a hobby they share you don't with your SO. It doesn't mean that you have to be glued at the hip to your SO. It just means that that person should be your #1 most of the time.

If you or your partner have allowed or are in the process of allowing someone else to take over that position you are cheating them. You may not be "cheating on them" yet, but you are cheating them out of being #1 to you, and that in mind is the position they deserve.

I'm not a big fan of the "We couldn't help it, we just fell in love." Excuse for having an affair. If their is a problem in the relationship it should be worked on or the relationship should be ended. If you find yourself being attracted to a coworker or friend you should have the self-control to avoid that person BEFORE you get even close to the "falling in love stage." Of course, I also think love at first sight is a bunch of BS along with "we had such a great immediate connection" or "it was fate". In my mind most of these things are nothing more then excuses to follow through on physical desires without thinking or being logical and responsible. Not that I didn't use them on MANY occassions myself before realizing the person I was hurting the most by behaving that way was me.

On a physical level I think anything more then a hug or a friendly kiss on the check is cheating.

Speaking as a woman who struggled a lot to really trust my SO regarding a particular female friend, I can say that my insecurity and lack of trust and discomfort didn't mean he was cheating, but it was something we both had to work through.

It's perfectly natural for a woman to be territorial and to feel uncomfortable with another female encrouching on what she considers to be her territory. Especially if her intuition tells her the female in question is attempting to claim the territory for herself. Men are COMPLETELY oblivious to this sort fo thing or at least they pretend to be, which one it is really doens't matter. What does matter is how he responds when the person who should be #1 in his life tells her how uncomfortable it makes her.

My SO did the right thing and was accomodating and understanding and willing to do the things I needed form him so I could leanr to become more comfortable and compromise.

Sometimes you have to just come right out and say it, "She makes me feel threatened. I think I should be your #1 priority most of the time now. I know she may have trouble and "need" your advice, but that's my shoulder to cry on now and she need to find her own." That's just the way it is. When you meet someone special other opposite sex friends are still allowed and even important but the SO should be the priority MOST of the time. If your SO's behavior towards other female friends is making you feel unimportant or unloved you aren't being cheated on but you are being cheated and if you don't want to continue to be you best speak up and start explaining how you feel no matter how awkward, how un-enlightened, or how jealous it might make you look.

Being in a relationship should make you feel loved and cherished most of the time, if instead you're feeling nervous and threatened most of the time you better do something to change it or end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Sat, 09-10-2005 - 4:27am
hello,
i agree with you on alot of what you said. Ofcorse i didnt mean that in a relationship you cannot have friends of the opposite sex but i do think there is a limit about me and my bf thats just us what we believe our relationship should be and we are doing awesome we have been completely faithful towards eachother and its not bc of not having close friends of the opposite sex its bc of the love and respect we have for eachother, everyone is different. it is about self control especially if you find the other person attractive. the majority of the people i know cheated on their SO with their "friend". im not saying that noone has the potential to cheat in any circumstance. hey the person doesnt have to be your friend it could be a complete stranger. i blame the person cheating however they cheated whether it was a friend of theres, a coworker, or a stranger. you are in control of the situation. you have the power. even if the woman is butt naked in front of the man he has the power to stand up and walk away. unless the woman puts a gun to his head which is higly unlikely.lol. the way we think works out for us, we have many acquaintances i dont have that many friends so i'm always with him and his friends but we trust and respect eachother and tke eachother and our relationship very serious and thats what its all about. but let me tell you alot of the things alot of couples worry about we dont have alot of those worries. so it feels good. but as long as you have that trust and respect towards eachother that should be strong enough to overcome any obstacle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:04pm
if my husband called a girl every morning and all the time I would think he was cheating and if he was not cheating.I would put a stop to him calling her and anyother girl for that matter.but that is just me and how I feel about it I dont call guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 7:36am

Just to clarify in case I imlied soemthing I didn't mean to. I do think opposite sex friendships are fine to have. Both my fiance and I have friends of the opposite sex.

The problem I have with "friends" is just what you are talking about. A perosn not having the self-control to make sure it stays that way. It is the responsibility of both people to make sure that if they do start to have feelings for a peson who is supposed to be "just a friend" to end the friendship.

I primarily feel this way because of how often people who are cheating give the excuse, "It just happened. We didn't mean for it to, but we feel in love." If you love your spoouse you don't put yourself in the posisition of being able to "fall for" soemone else. It's quite simple really if you find yourself being tempted remove the temptation.

It's like clearing out all the cookies and ice cream from the house before you go on a diet. Make it easier on yourself and don't surround yourself with temptation. After all, we are all only human.

I just think that when it comes to friends if the opposite sex we have to be more cautious about crossing the line between being friends and putting or SO second. For example it probably isn't appropriate to go partying at a club or out for drinks with an opposite sex friend. It propbably isn't smart to start talking about problems in the relationship with an opposite sex friend. At least not a friend there is or ever has been any kind of attraction with. That's how things become too tempting and people wind up saying, "It's not our fault. We didn't mean to fall in love."

My response to that kind of excuse is pretty much, "Yeah, like neither of you saw it coming." I've been in a situation like that in the past and I knew that if I didn't remove myself from the situation I would become tempted to cheat so I just removed myself from the situation until I could sort things out and do the right thing by my SO whether that was ending it or working it out. I tried working it out but in the end I ended the relationship.

Opposite sex friends can be a lot of fun I just think we have to be that much more careful in those situations and make it clear to everyone (ourselves, the friend, and our SO) that the SO is the priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 12:36am
oh no dont worry i didnt take anything you said the wrong way and i do agree with you. we have friends but i'm not too close to his friends and hes not to close to mine we believe their is a limit but thats what we believe and to be honest its less worries for us and it feels good. as for our relationship i wouldnt ask for anything more except for us to have the strength to stay the way we are towards eachother forever. our respect and our love for eachother and if it can grow more even better. Our beliefs just work out for us but youre right its all about self control if anyone is ever put in a predicament like that they have the power to control the situation. like i once said their is NO justification towards cheating. and you are very right it doesnt just happen. so if a man cheats you know its bc he chose to. even if the woman is trying to be all over them they can choose to either simply stay or leave. I feel so strongly towards that subject bc too many people cheat. they make it seem like its ok to cheat especially if youve been together for so long, its just sickening. it would be impossible for me to become intimate or to ever trust him again. friends of mine always use to blame the girl their bf's cheated on them with, they would forget that their bf has the power to control the situation, i always made sure to tell them "hey those women did not put a gun to their heads they chose to cheat on you". and the advice seemed to help but they always ended up staying with them. i just dont believe in it if youre not ready for a commited relationship then dont get in one. but you are absolutely right. with your and your SO's mentality you seem great for eachother. and thats truly wonderful.