Is it really need to wait more months?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2005
Is it really need to wait more months?
4
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 1:56am

I've met a wonderful man who's been separated by common law for two years now. They've been together for 10 years. He said not all mostly of those years has been happy. They have a 9 years old daughter and sometimes it's with him.

It's been nine months now that we're going out to each other and intimate as well but none of his family I have even meet in person only his one best friend and his brother in law know the relationship. Been in and out to his place never I've meet the daughter. Though I know all his schedules,we communicate everyday and date twice a week. Telling me everything but never tell about plans of us together or going out with his child someday or meet his family someday.

He's very gentleman,nice to be with and responsible..that's what I like about him. But I just don't know if I have to wait for him about plans or Is it right for me to ask about myself to him or Is it so early to ask what my situation is to him? I am 35 and he is 40. I'm in the age of wanted to have a family and to be with a guy who's in a serious relationship. He said many times he is serious with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 5:46pm

In your situation I would have asked those questions months ago. To be honest, I'm not sure why you've waited nine months. (my DH and I discussed what we were looking for in a relationship on the weekend we met!)

If you were 18, I'd advise you to not worry too much. But at 35 your fertility is on a downward slide and you don't have time to waste waiting for a man who may or may not have intentions of bringing you properly into his life. Find out what his plans are and then decide if they are what you are looking for.

For the record, I've got a friend who recently married his girlfriend and they're already pregnant. She was also 35, and when they met she stated from the outset that she was looking for a permanent relationship and to have a baby as soon as was reasonably possible. She felt that waiting for a man was just too risky when it came to her dwindling fertility.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:56pm

Thank you. I don't what to do really. It's wonderful that's he's there with me all the time but when all alone strill thinking what's his plans for me. He said he is serious and I'm so afraid to rush him bec. he might think it is too early when he just got legally separated for 2 years now from his living in partner for 10 years who left him with another man. Sort of trauma with him but I got hurt too from my past relattionship and all I think right now is to move own with him and settle down as happy family. I'm very much single and don't know of having a chance of getting pregnant since I'm 35 and got had the experienced of laparocopy cause of endometriocyst.

Now. I accepted the fact that I'm in love with a man who already got a 10 yr old daughter..just in case I won't pregnant and i HOPE I will someday.. get pregnant. He's fourty and a very workaholic and responsible man. Right now, all I feel from him is he need company though he said many times he is serious with me but he's not talking any plans about us someday..and I think you gave me an openmind not to wait but for me to go and have a first move to ask who am I to his life that until now I don't know how will I ask, or what is the right words to say that until now I haven't meet his daughter or any family member but just his best friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:24pm

I think that one thing you need to remember is that being able to communicate easily is the basis for every great relationship.

While the two of you obviously enjoy your times together, I find it concerning that you don't know how to raise the big questions. Hon, if he truly loves you and wants a future together, asking him his plans won't scare him off. The only man who will get scared off is one who DOESN'T want a future together.

I also wouldn't pay too much mind to how long he's been separated. I had only been separated from my ex for 6 weeks when I met my now DH. And we moved in together 4 months later. You know, when a great thing comes along, you make space in your life/timing.

>>but he's not talking any plans about us someday<<
Could I also mention that you aren't talking about these plans with him either? One of you has to make the first move. And the only way to know how he feels is to raise the subject.

When raising the subject, instead of asking him directly what he wants....why don't you start by telling him what you're looking for in a relationship. If you want kids before your fertility ends, tell him that it's something you've been thinking about. If you'd like to meet his family - tell him. (a good way to raise the family thing would be a casual comment by you when looking at his photo albums) His reaction will tell you the answers you need to know.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:12am

iv_aisha2004

Thank you for a great concern. It was a good advise I evar got. I needed it really! :) Thank you!

from someone confuse and doesn't want to mislead this precious relationship I've been through...