Is It Too Soon To Ask About Our Future

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Is It Too Soon To Ask About Our Future
3
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:30pm

Ok, here's the deal. There are 2 issues. 1 guy.
Issue #1: I've been dating this great guy for the past three months. Right from the beginning we really hit it off. We have not made a formal committment to each other, and right not I'm not sure if I want one; but on either our 2nd or 3rd date I mentioned to him that I wasn't into the casual dating scene anymore and that I'm not going to waste my time with anyone with whom I don't see the possibility of a long-term future. He agreed and said he felt the same way. However, lately I've sensed that he's getting very comfortable with the way things are and we aren't really progressing like we were before. Now, tomorrow I plan on talking with him about where he sees our relationship going and what ideas does he have about our future. I'm not asking for a committment, but I just want to make sure we're on the same page because I do see something for the long term here. My question is, in your personal opinion, is three months to soon to have this sort of discussion. Should I hold out and let things play out as we get to know each other better or what?

Issue #2: Since we have not made a formal committment, I'm making no assumptions about him seeing other people and the status of various "friends," and so far this hasn't been a problem. However, today I got a call from a friend today saying that she saw my guy at a concert last night with one of our mutual friends and asked if that seemed strange to me. I simply told her that they're friends. Which is true, they were friends before we met. But I was surprised to find myself feeling a little jealous. Also, when I talked to him later on today, he mentioned he went to the concert, but he didn't mention who he went with. So, my 2nd question is, should I use the discussion I'm going to have with him tomorrow as an opportunity to also discuss with him any female friends and their status. Should I mention last night's event to him as well? Or since we aren't committed would I be overstepping my boundaries?

Plese Help. Normally I don't have a problem on discerning when and when not to be upfront with men, but this situation has me a little perplexed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 8:31pm
I think it is too soon to bring up a discussion about the long-term future, especially since you haven't even spoken about your commitment to one another in the here and now yet. I would just talk to make sure you're in agreement to be in an exclusive relationship for now. Then if things are still going well in a couple of months, I would bring up the possibility of a long term future then. I don't think you need to mention last night's event since you hadn't agreed to be exclusive yet. You might want to tell her you heard he was out with her at the concert and were just wondering if they were going out as friends just to set your mind at ease. But you have to be ready to accept whatever he says and not to harp on it regardless of what he says because he did have a right to be with somebody else and getting upset at him for it will only drive him away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 5:00am

First things first. If you are having sex with him, it's acceptable at anytime to find out if he's being monogomous. Your health is at risk of STDs if he's having sex with others.

If you're in your late 20's (or older), and you want children one day, it's definately not too early to ask if he sees a future together. Your body clock is ticking and the risks of infertility will become much greater shortly. It's not unreasonable to make sure that you're not wasting valuable time with the wrong man. Again, if you are this age, it's not unreasonable to discuss a sort of time frame for your future. Any man with half a brain will understand the need for a woman to consider her fertility.

However, if you are in your late teens or early 20's, slow down and enjoy the ride a little.

Having said all that, *if* he's he's really into you, the conversation shouldn't scare him away. Only Mr Wrong will run in the other direction at the suggestion of commitment.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 5:29pm
I think you should keep the issues separate. Here's why: if you bring up the concert thing and then say "by the way, where is this going?" He's going to assume your asking him where your relationship is going BECAUSE you found out he went to this concert with a woman (??IM assuming, you didnt say if she was female). Hes going to think you are jealous or worse, insecure!! I think you should ask yourself what is most important. If its really eatting you up about him going to this concert bring that up...but then dont mention anything about your relationship. Guys dont understand that we can have 100 topics on our minds at once and have the ability to discuss them all. He will think that its all related. I know from experience. And yes, i do think 3 months is a little too early because this is what they call the honeymoon phase, Id wait a few more months.