Is It Worth It? Please Help.
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 11:28am |
I am 27 years old and have been dating a guy for a little over a year. (We live together.) I am very frustrated and don't know what to do!
My biggest issue with him in this relationship is that he is not very dependable, and never comes home when he says he's going to come home. I have a huge pet peeve for people who say that they're going to do something, and don't do it without at least calling to let me know plans have changed. In my opinion, it's common courtesy. He enjoys going out with the boys and having beers, etc.....just as I enjoy going out with my girl friends and having drinks. The only difference is, he will tell me that he is going to be home at 10:00, and without a phone call or anything, will come walking through the door around 1 or 2 AM in the morning ON A WEEKDAY! It does not matter when it is, he NEVER follows through on coming home at a certain time. He tells me one thing and does another. He is very hesitant to give me a time that he'll be home, as he knows himself that he will never make it home by that time. I just do not understand what is so hard about it. I am so furious EVERY time that he does this. Yet, time and time again, it happens over and over. The last time that it happened (which was a week ago), I told him that I did not feel that we should live together any longer if he did not have enough respect for me to do what he said he was going to do and that he should be looking for a place to be living in by November. (the house we live in I owned, before he was even in the picture). I get so upset upset by this time and time again, that I can feel my blood boil it makes me so mad. I sometimes feel I could lose control of the anger this produces. I do not ever have feelings like this! I do not know what to do, because I know that I can not continue to feel this way for the rest of my life, and can only imagine how upset I would be if we had kids together and their dad never came home when he said he would.
I tried to "show him how it feels" awhile back when I met up with a friend on a Friday night. I told him I'd be home at 8 and went home at 11. Boy, was that a mistake! All it did was give him something to throw at me when I address his never coming home when he says he will. He tells me I need to live by my own rules and that I'm being a hypocrite. It has happened one time!!!! And that was intentional. No matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to make him understand.
Maybe a separate issue....but along the same lines of him calling me a hypocrite and that I have expectations of himself, but don't follow any rules myself:
I have a good friend whose husband just left for Iraq. She lives a couple hours away. I went to visit her last weekend, and expected to just have a night out on the town just the 2 of us. Before I left, my boyfriend and I did the kisses and the I love yous and have fun.....blah blah blah. On my way to my friend's house, I called my boyfriend's brother who plays in a band and thought that might be something we could go see for entertainment for the evening. He was not playing, but was going to one venue that had a band there, and I mentioned that "maybe" we'd see him, not knowing the plans for the evening. He called my boyfriend just to chat and mentioned that maybe I'd be seeing him. When I arrived, my friend said that she had made plans to meet up with some other friends too. (including guys and girls). We met up with these friends and I went to say hello to his brother for all of 5 minutes in the one place and then we went home. I called my boyfriend on the way home, but did not get ahold of him. The next day, he was sooo mad at me for not calling him and telling him what was going on, and that I needed to follow my own rules. In my opinion it was hardly the same gripe! I never made any promises that I was going to CALL or BE HOME AT A CERTAIN TIME or anything. NOTHING!!
Trying to make this short.......the next day, I had had plans to go to a wedding for one of my friensd with him. He told me he was going to skip the wedding to tailgate with a friend he hadn't seen for awhile and that I should skip it too and meet up with him, as it was in the same town I was in. I decided to do so. It was very clear he was pissed and had a serious chip on his shoulder the entire day. When we both got in our cars to leave, he told me "call me and let me know what you are doing, and I'll do the same." When I asked him what he thought he was going to do, he said he was going to go over to his brother's house and probably out that evening. That was the last I talked to him. He never answered any of the 10 phone calls or so that I made and ended up driving all the way home without letting me know. The next day he brushed it off by saying he was, "doing his own thing.", which clearly meant that he was mad that I did not include him on the trip to visit my friend in the first place. The way the night unrolled was really out of my control, as far as I'm concerened.
Aside, from these issues, I love him dearly. We have a great relationship if we are only able to avoid this reoccuring issue!
Anyway, hope you all can offer me some insight or advice on whether I should stick with this relationship, or pick up and count my losses.
Thank you for your time in reading this novel!!
~Misty

I agree that it is not good. It shows a huge lack of respect.
Yes, he conveniently leaves his cellphone in the car. So, when I say why didn't you answer your phone??? He says, I didn't have it with me! I left it in the car. It's obvious to me that he does so purposely when he doesn't want to be reached.
Sounds like my ex-BF! He used to work these crazy hours. Some nights he'd finish work at 6. Some nights he'd finish work at midnight. He couldn't predict from day to day, and he was terrible about calling to let me know he'd be working late. So annoying! So many nights I would wait to eat dinner, only to have him come home after I was already asleep... Then I would feel this need to call and find out, and I hated being this person who was always calling and nagging him, but I needed to know! I managed to train him to the extent that he'd usually let me know if he was "working late" or "not working late." But it was still unpredictable... sometimes he didn't think he'd be working late, but then something would come up as he was heading out the door and he'd get stuck. Of course he wouldn't call and tell me that. So I'd be there sitting at home, dying of hunger, waiting for him like an idiot. I know exactly what you mean about getting so angry sometimes. It was just ridiculous.
The funny thing is, this wasn't the issue that broke us up. It was my temper! I would lose it and yell at him when I got angry. He considered yelling a loss of control. He came right out and told me, he did not see me as the mother of his children because he didn't want yelling in his home.
So, we broke up obviously. I met someone else. My BF now works regular hours. If we make plans and he's running late, he will call to let me know. I don't have to ask. He expects the same courtesy from me, which I am more than happy to do. What I've realized is, I am a different person with him. We've been together over a year, and I just don't lose my temper with him the way I used to. He doesn't push my buttons. The things that are important to me are important to him too.
If dependability is important to you (and it sounds like it is), then it helps so much to find someone who shares that value. It's really no different from trying to make it work when you have different moral values, different attitudes toward money, etc. You can "agree to disagree," but everything is so much easier when you do agree. If you could see yourself breaking up with your BF and starting fresh with someone else, I think you would be happier in the long run. That's been my experience, anyway...
Hope this helps!
Thank you for your input. I'm happy that you told me of your experience. Aside from these communication problems, I do think that we will have future money disagreements. I love him very much, and just don't know if breaking up is the right thing for now.
I do know what you mean about certain people bringing out a person that you don't even know. I have been in relationships too, where I have never even been beyond the emotion - mad. This undoubtedly goes far beyond that when he comes home. I do need dependability in my life. We'll see where it goes.
Thanks again for sharing.
Misty
Misty,
I totally know what you are saying about being mad when he comes home late and doesn't call. I have been living with my BF for 2 years and we have been together for 10 (I am 27). Well, i have "trained" him :) to at least call and let me know he will be late, but he doesn't do it all the time and usually calls to say he will be late at the time he was supposed to be home!
I know from being around his family that it is their way as well- noone in the family is really "time" oriented and i find it to be a cultural thing as well. They are from Turkey and I really saw that people there are all like that! It's just amazing. It is difficult for me because i worry and because it pisses me off and i don't understand why it's so hard. But i do realize that when he thinks about it and is not busy with something else, he calls. If he is, then he usually doesn't pay any mind to it. Just not a second nature to him. Is there a way out of this? I honestly don't think so. The only things that i found helpful is for me to just do whatever it was i planned and not wait for him.
Dear Misty,
Your live-in bf's irresponsibility and undependable trait is a MANIFESTATION of his immaturity. Don't you recognize yourself sounding like a "nagging mother" of a teenager? That's how I felt being a new bride...like I was raising an adolescent boy. You don't want to marry a juvenile, do you?
"Maturity is the ability to control our impulses, to think beyond the moment, and consider how our words and our actions will affect ourselves and others before we act."