Is it wrong to have Standards?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Is it wrong to have Standards?
8
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 12:22pm
I been talking this morning to a few about something that irritates me.
Men and Women that are broke over the age of 25. I can understand
tragic or certain temporary circumstances for not having money. But day
to day hmmmmm, is it that people just make bad choices when it comes to
finacial needs. You drive a car you know it takes gas. You live in a
house you know you have a light bill, rent or morgage. Any way i hope
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 1:04pm

You are absolutely NOT wrong about having standards!! Heck yes we should have standards, more than should, we MUST have standards! The whole point of serious dating is to discern suitable marriage and life partner. You have to have standards for which to measure from.

However, it was awfully presumptious of you to assume that because he was riding a bike that he wouldn't have means to take you out. Maybe he rides a bike to get his exercize in? Maybe he got in an accident and his car was getting repaired? Maybe he lent it to his sister? Maybe it was being used for meals-on-wheels at the moment?

It is smart to have standards, it is foolish to jump to conclusions or to not know the whole story before you decide whether they haven't lived up to those standards.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 4:14pm
Well, I think first impressions are always it. Coming at me on a bike when where we live only unemployed want to be thugs are riding around on a bike. So me jumping to conclusion is also determined by the surroundings. Now say I was in an area where people do ride bikes to get around for other things I wouldn't have been so quick with thinking negatively. I think where this has has a lot to do with the thinking how will he take me versus oh he is on a bike hence broke. I think I'd see people in CA more riding bikes to do things then here in Kansas City, Mo.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:42pm

Dear cl-blastphlliy:

I don't think refusing a man because he is broke indicates a problem. We all pick people who physically appeal to us, emotionally appeal to us, and mentally appeal to us. It is not unusual for people to seek those at the same financial level as well.

beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 11:34pm

That is true... I remember when I had a standard of a man making equal to or more then because of the problems with my ex-husband who had an issue with me making more. I only say remember because I had lower the standard because statistically where I live most men my age do not make what I do. But, say I lived in a big city it would be a big difference because there would be more men to choose from. Plus, at that time it limited my dating to a opposite race and where I lived then it was not common. Where I am now it is common for inter-racial relationships and where I go and do things I have no problem meeting men of my income level or more. I think your standards has a lot to do with location also.


**Side note, I am currently in an inter-racial relationship, where income is not an issue and all my standards were met because changing where I lived changed a lot when it came to dating and my expectation because of the area.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:26am
Careful when you go on first impressions. I know two very well off physicians that would appear outwardly to be dirt poor. One drives an old pickup truck, the other a CJ5 jeep. They've both had bad experiences on women being attracted to their status and wealth, and avoid status symbols. Besides, some of us like to ride bikes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:02am

Yeah I think a lot of that is everywhere. I'm 26, and I've busted my ass to get to where I am now. I really don't know of anyone (friend wise) that is doing better than myself. They complain about being broke, having no money, etc, and frankly it gets old really quick. I do really well for myself without having a degree yet (which I am 1/2 way thru), I pay my own bills, and I'm about 6 months away from moving into my own home.

Honestly I think a lot of these people that are "struggling" should really blame the environment in which they grew up in. It's a shame that you have parents that dont teach their children motavation and shove their foot up their ass to get them somewhere. In turn you have these children complaining, whining about how broke they are, but yet they spend everything they have on $hit they don't need. To a certain extent, some of these people don't know any better, and others do but lack the motavation to do it. They tend to say a lot of things, but it never happens. It makes you wonder sometimes, and makes you wish that certain people just shouldn't EVER reproduce!

Children like this also have a hard time with relationships, whether it be friends or GF/BF. They have a hard time making it on their own, and it's difficult for that other person to be with someone that "struggles" and doesn't make anything of themseleves, and a lot of times relationships break up because people like that are on 2 different levels.

We should never give up on our standards because other people seem to be "lower" than we are. I know that my RL right now isn't going to last, and as much as you tell them things that bother you about the situation they are in, you don't want that mess coming with you if you decide to move in together. As much as you tell them that things need to change, more often than not, it won't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:08am
When I mentioned first impression, it was not how rich or poor they look because I am the same. I drive an older car but it is paid for versus getting a new one every few yrs. I keep it up and it keeps working. First impression meaning how I am approached and the vibe I get from them. Heck, I've met guys that upon first look my friends were like "don't talk to him. Me, I like meeting people and by getting to know them were decent guys but their approach/my first impression of them was something that I could deal with versus someone approaching me in a manner I do not like.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 7:39pm

I think that first impression means a lot, but it depends on a lot of different things as well. Also first impression isn't everything either, I think that each person knows what is right for them in their heart and they go on their own instincts, and there should be no other way to do it.In my case my standards are set a lot higher due to past experiences.

I personally have three rules for myself in the whole dating thing,

1. Never pick anyone up from the bar cause nine times out of ten they are only there because they are a drunk or they are looking for a one night stand, NOT ALWAYS I know a man who was single for years and found the love of his life in a bar, so I am not saying it is impossible I am just saying that in my area it is uncommon to find happiness in a bar.

2.Never date anyone(depending on the situation)who doesn't live on their own in some way, there are certain exceptions of course to this rrule, things happen, people break-up and tradgedies happen but I will not date anyone who has never had their own independence. But as I said there are certain exceptions to this rule.

3. And this is not exactly a rule but more of a preference, I would like to date a man who has kids since I have 2 of my own and since the still-birth of my son I am not sure I can have anymore, I would always feel as if I cheated a man out of having kids if he didn't already have some BECAUSE of the fact that I may not be able to have anymore.

As far as standards,everyone has them, and I do agree with the other posters on it does have a lot to do with location, I just moved into a very family friendly area where there is the whole"leave it to beaver" atmosphere. I would be more willing to date in this area as opposed to dating in the area where I just moved out of, where all there were was ghetto slum too lazy to get a job and yet can sit and complain about how society has wronged them. I do not believe there is any excuse not to have some kind of a job, or at least try going to school to better the situation instead of just complaining about it.

And no matter what anyone says EVERYONE has petty standards as well. I for example,will not get involved with anyone no matter how nice they are if they are dirty, not work dirty but greasy hair, dirty teeth, black under the fingernails kind of dirty. There are a lot of construction workers, roofers,rrail road workers etc. in my area, and that kind of dirty is understandable cause everyone gets dirty at those kinds of jobs, but when you can look at a person and tell that they have not taken a shower in a week, that is just gross.

I guess in a nutshell, everyone has preferences, and everyone knows instinctively if that particular person is right for them. The biker for instance, there was a guy where I use to live that carried more than just himself around on that bike, half of his belongings went with him and it wasn't much. And by looking at that person and the bike itself I would have been turned off by it as well, you can just tell when someone is riding leisurely and if they are riding to get around, well in my area you can anyway.

Betty