Is it wrong to only eva have 1 man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Is it wrong to only eva have 1 man?
3
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:30am

Hi everyone,
I love this bored and am hoping to get some help. I am 22 and have been with the same guy since i was 15, so 7 years in about 1 month.

Dont get me wrong he is handsome, loving , caring and my absolute best friend. He is what every girl is after- romantic, loving, cuddly, always there for you and is after a future with marraige and kids.

Now the issue is at the beginning of our relationship we were so into each other that we dont really have any other friends or life outside of each other. I dont have any girl friends that i catch up with or go out with and i am really starting to miss that.

I recently went away for work and went out partying every night and met this amazing guy. I had quite strong feelings for him and looking back now a few days later I know it was just caught up in the moment, and nothing happened apart from drinking and dancing and we are keeping in touch as friends as he lives overseas.

I love to go out and get attention. I know its bad but lately Ive been dreaming about moving out with girlfriends and just having fun- going out without committments, partying till dawn, flirting and feeling wanted by someone other than him. Does this seem weird?

I know in my heart that I will never ever be able to find anyone who is like him and I love him to bits, but just want to put a hold on time and live life like a crazy party girl that i feel i am inside. I know that if i go on a break with him we will pretty much break up and i dont want that, but i just cant stop day dreaming about this guy i met overseas calling me and me moving over there. I am back there for work next year and will probably catch up with him (as friends- i would never cheat).

He is italian and very much a mums boy and his family i just cant handle. they keep pressuring me to have kids when im like 22 and he doesnt stand up for me, just prefers to say you know what mum is like! just ignore her...

i recently said to him that i dont want to get engaged until we buy a house ( in about a year or so) and dont want to have kids till at least late 20's, as i know he wants to have kids quite early! so im making my stand, and have said i need at least a day a week by myself to go out with freinds etc..

do you think that i am just bored and have feelings for this other guy because of my boredom? i just am very confused.. i want to live life and have experiences but dont want to have other relationships with pain andhurt and suffering when i know what i have is perfect.

any opinions will be so helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 6:50am

Hi! I am a divorced woman, age 45, 4 kids. About 5 months ago, I met this wonderful guy. We had a great time together, had so much in common, and sex was great too. Well after 2 months he informed me that the old girlfriend had reentered his life and he didnt want to hurt me but they were getting back together.

About 1 month later, he called. Told me he missed me, he didnt love her, he wasnt sure what he felt for her and that he needed to see me. So we met for drinks. Drinks lead to sex. I continued to see him under these terms because for one i wanted a chance to fight for the man I wanted, and two because it helped kill the loneliness.

He told me he never cheated before on anyone, but there was something about me that he couldnt stay away. I continued to date other guys, at his uring I might add. Well about a month ago things changed. He stopped uring me to go out, he calls all the time, we spend more time together, and I THINK, she's out of his life and he isnt telling me.

It seemed like once I played the GAME and was less available to him thats when he would chase me. He used to get upset if I let him know I had feelings for him, now he takes it well and has even sent me LOVE YOU text messages. He says it love like a friend but I don beleive him. I know he cares about me, because of all the sweet and nice things he does for me, and he's always there when I need help or someone to talk too.

Here the problem, I think hes afraid of committment. Should I ask him out right if shes still around or should I just let the relationship bloom at a slow pace as it has been now. Hes a typical guy when it comes to talking about feelings, and I dont want to push him away. We may go away together in the middle of November, and I thought maybe thats a good time to ask him the question "WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE???" He told me the first time around when we broke up that I wanted more than he could offer. So this time Im playing the more laid back role. I dont call, but on a rare occassion, I try to let him initiate things, so theres no pressure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 3:49pm

tynker,
I think that, for where you're at in your life (22) and considering how long you've been with your BF (since 15) that what you're going thru is PERFECTLY NORMAL. And, while it's normal, sure ... it's also confusing.

<< do you think that i am just bored and have feelings for this other guy because of my boredom? >>

Are you bored with your BF (ie, he's no longer interesting to you?) or are you discontened with "not knowing" what else is out there?

As for the other guy, forget him ... put him out of your mind. He represents an image of "the grass might be greener" but I do believe that justs your desire or lacking of other experiences talking. He's not an issue ... the issue is that you haven't had other dating or relationship experience. Therefore, he represents that issue ... but, he's NOT really the factor, KWIM?

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Recognize that nothing is perfect, first of all. Secondly, ask yourself "in 5 years, if I'm still with my BF, perhaps now married, will I REGRET not having had other dating experiences, not partying, etc when I was 22 and ABLE to do so."

I DO think it's important to experience these things before making that HUGE committment to one person. Otherwise, you might find yourself still wanting to "seek out" other experiences or options later on because you didn't ALLOW yourself these things when you COULD or SHOULD have.

Think of it this way, you've been with one person, in an exclusive relationship for 7 years ... the decision that you made back then, at 15, was a decision that was made and has grown and continued thruout these years. However, that decision is not the "be all, end all." If you were to take a break from your BF, just to "see what else is out there" ... let's say, for a year or even 6 months, if your committment to your BF is THAT strong, wouldnt' you most likely end up back together once you've BOTH had some time to be independent of each other? (which could do a lot of your personal growth and his). Or, do you think it would be imminent that you WOULD NOT get back together?

Love is a leap of faith. Either your love for each other could handle the break, while you discover some of your own independence, or it won't. But, that's something you have to discuss with him and be willing to "take that leap."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:50am

I think why not go through your phases together. youve both been together for 7 wonderful years why throw that away. can you both party together? go out with friends and have drinks together? remember always stay affectionate and flirt with him after being together for so long its understandable to not get those exciting feelings anymore and there are other attractive people in the world but looks do fade somewhat and love is a sacrifice. especially if youre both so good for eachother. the grass is defenitely not always greener on the other side its all the same CRAP. you find comebody attractive, you get those exciting butterfly feelings in your stomach, you date, youre interested, if you kiss theres sparks, if you have sex probably more sparks then you get in a relationship. now comes the agreements of how you feel your relationship should be. after being together for awhile you dont feel those same exact feelings you felt when you first met and its a cycle except this time hes a completely different person you might not agree on alot of things like your past relationship you both might have ccompletely different views that you find important.

heres a minor example he loves to flirt thinks its innocent, you think flirting can lead to cheating and is not innocent. things like that can cuase problems as well. basically he might not be the wonderful man you once had. remember that not everyone is perfect either. i remember when i ws friends with my bf it was exciting after a while things arent always exactly how they were in the beginning but i dont care bc I LOVE HIM to death. its a sacrifice you have to be willing to make. i do suggest if youre still with your bf to let go of the other guy you have an extreme attraction towards this gy and it could cause trouble no matter how much you say you will never cheat you are not immune to the possibilities especially if youre putting yourself in those situations. try going through your phases together go clubbing together with frinds dance your asses off together, drink together try to have fun together. at the same time have fun seperately with your friends but keep your self control. remember you love him try to work it out. thats my input.. wish you the best in whatever you decide to do...