It's not him, it's me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
It's not him, it's me?
3
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:41pm

Does anyone else worry that they have become too set in their ways and too picky to really let someone else into their life?

I am lucky to have had three serious relationships in my life with three wonderful men. Each treated me amazingly. Many girls would have been happy with any one of them. I cared deeply for each guy but I managed to break up with each for the same simple reason that "it didn't feel exactly right." Sure I can tell myself that I'm going to wait until I'm 102 for "the one" but it's become very obvious that I'm subconsciously sabotoging my dating life by finding fault in guys that are more or less great and having impossible emotional standards for these men (it's like I'm waiting for this earth shattering chemistry you see in movies). All of a sudden more than ever it's hitting me that life is short and if I'm lucky enough to have a smart, sincere, kind man who loves me and makes me smile, I should not take him for granted. Afterall, I am far from perfect myself! I'm going to do everything I can to change my hyper-critical behavior. I fear soon I will be left with no one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:41am

Hi,
What an interesting post. We marry or adopt someone that we love so they can join our family.

Based on that, if there is any substance to it, if you really loved deeply these guys deeply enough to commit, you would forgive their faults the way you might forgive your sisters or brothers. Right? Maybe not. Just a thought.

There are many people that I have met that I admire, respect, enjoy, even love to some extent, that I would not want to date or marry. Maybe that's your experience.

Some women are definitely more picky that others, I haven't been, and it has been a problem so I am becoming more so. A good thing. You may naturally become more accepting as time goes on. I wouldn't want to get married with an "I settled for less" feeling. That would be sad for both people.

Good luck and I congratulate you on your choice of men so far! Good practice for finding the right one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 10:08am
Missyleigh,
I know how you are feeling. I to am in the same boat. I am 45 all my life it has been the same way. When I first meet a man I am attracted to they seem to become totally absourbed in me. The relationship lasts a few months and I am on a high then after that I get these doubts about whether or not to stay. Usually I stay longer because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I was married for 20 years this relationship lasted a lot longer but the same feelings would creep up from time to time and I brushed them off. I loved him dearly but near the end more of a brother/sister sort of love(I'm widowed). Wish I could change and open up and truly find true love that will not make me think about wondering. So you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 8:07am

I think ubersilly makes a good point, myabe you just weren't ready to be that open ad accepting and maybe it was a combination of you not being ready and those guys just not being peopel that made you feel comfortabel enough to open up to.

I was feeling a lot like you shortly before a I meet my husand. About a year before I meet him I ended an emoitionally abusive relationship; and, looking back, it's easy to see I ended up in that relationship becasue my self-esteem was sagging and I was afraid I was being too picky. Beliefs the "Anti-Christ" helped reinforce.

But a year after I ended that fiasco I decided I was just going to find a nice casual FWB and if I eventually found the right guy, great, and if not, fine, I had finally learned how to be happy on my own and just enjoy dating. Low and behold, just as I was settling in agian and really getting to enjoy my dating life, along came Pete and even though both we meet online under the premise of casual sex and companionship we found the love of our life. Within a month we knew we had found soemthing really special and really good for both of us. In four months we had said I love you and moved in together. A month or two after that we had decided to get married and Oct 2nd we did it.

It happened fast and we both had issues we had to deal with and insecurities but we somehow both just knew we had found the right persona dn when we started asking the really tough questions about kids, religion, life philosophies, moving, money, you name it... we just meshed.

Sure it took me 32 years to find him. But I would have waited longer because I KNOW I made a GREAT choice. I KNOW I found someone I can love the rest of my life. I know for me I wasn't going to get married unless I felt 100% confident and he tells me he felt the smae way. It took us a while to find someone we felt that way about and I know it took me a while to get to a place where I was happy enough and confident enough in myself where I could feel that way.

Maybe you're right, maybe it is you that isn't ready; but, that's still a good reason to wait.