It's NOT meant to be...venting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
It's NOT meant to be...venting...
12
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 3:43pm

Beware! Longest Post you’ll ever read! Not all that interesting. Proceed at your own risk.

Hello Everyone!

I met someone roughly two months ago at a foreign language immersion event in a very casual fashion and in a very romantic spot. At first encounter my jaw dropped in response to his physical appearance, so I immediately gave myself a pep talk: play aloof, and keep your composure. I have never met anyone so strappingly handsome in person before. The instant he walked through the door, the program organizer jetted over to him and began to bombard him with questions: "hi-welcome, what's your name? how did you hear about the event? are you from around here? come join us!" Before he was able to make his way over to the group's sitting area, I learned that he just came back from an extensive and inspiring vacation 3 days earlier (dead giveaway of his ethnic background -- mine), and that he just moved to town to start a residency program at a local hospital (voted overall best hospital in the nation). I had showed up just moments before and a full hour late. I just took a seat next to the group's table to take a moment to relax, eavesdropping. Meanwhile the program organizer tried to drag him over to sit with the rest of the group, he decided to take a seat at my table. He introduced himself and from that moment on our conversation commenced. During the first 15-20 minutes, the program organizer addressed us every five minutes, or so, to convince us to join the group. We both refused in unison, and finally she turned and stopped in the middle of her sentence and instead blurted out "oh, wow, nevermind, you two have definitely found a common language..." About an hour later, he said he was hungry and if I could recommend any place he could grab a bite to eat. I already had a place in mind, so I told he would be welcome to join me. We walked out, I gave him directions on the street, he took my number down under the pretext of getting lost in a strange city, and we decided to meet up within the next half an hour. He showed up and we ended up talking for five hours straight that night. I kept wondering why he is lingering around. Our conversation was easy. He even complimented me on numerous things. I learned a great deal about his background and his hobbies. He told me exactly where he worked and even where he lives. I've met strange men before and have talked to them at length before (never for five hours)and never accompanied by an acute awareness of how physically attractive they were. I had made a choice that evening as you recall not to flirt (usually there is hint of flirtation). Perhaps I should have. Our conversation did not have any sexual undertones. I concluded that he was the man of my dreams, yet completely out of my league. I finally met a guy who is erudite, well-adjusted, cordial and kind-hearted, and who possessed the one quality I've been searching, but one that seemed entirely unlikely for the type of person I was looking for -- a sense of humility. There he was gorgeous, a former NCCAA caliber athlete for a prime university, who graduated with top honors from one of the best med schools in the nation. I just kept thinking what does he find so enticing about little ol' me, telling me that I look very well put-together, that I have a strong grip on reality and a really good head on my shoulders - I was utterly smitten for the first time in my life. Finally it was time to call it an evening, I gave him a quick good-bye hug and wanted to rush out, but he launched into expressing hi gratitude for a most amazing time, ephasizing that he doesn't recall having spent such quality time with anyone. As I was walking off, I told myself, he is just being overly courteous. I decided that I will always look fondly upon that night, but I won't dare to entertain thoughts of any future interaction with him.
Two days later, he called me up, I was pleasantly surprised. The first words out of his mouth were I wanted to thank you again for a most remarkable evening. He also wanted to check up on the stats of my league game, which I was playing the evening of the phone call, and to apologize that he couldn't make it. The other time, he expressed an interest in playing a pick up game in this sport and I told him about a wonderful facility located just a few blocks from his residence. He must have thought I invited him. I would play a game of pick-up there, sure, if I didn't have a league game the same evening. Though, it was nice of him to remember. I was pretty tired, driving home in the rain, and my phone was ringing non-stop. So my responses were very brief and dry. I told him that he doesn't have to thank me for anything, and that I took all of his words of gratitude for common courtesy, and cut the conversation short. The following day, I felt badly for hanging up on him so abruptly and I called to apologize as well as under the pretext that there is another regularly scheduled rec. game at the same location every week. He had a nice chat for about 40 minutes. The last thing he said to me was I will check my schedule. At that point, i didn't want to tell him that I wasn't inviting him to play with me, I wasn't even going to play that day. The following day he called (I missed the call) to tell me that he checked his schedule and unfortunately he can't make b/c he had made prior plans with friends that afternoon. He apologized for not being able to make it, and said that he would call me either the next day or the day after, and that he loves talking to me, and that he would love to go out with me, and hopefully we can set something up sooner than later (rather neutral in my opinion). The weekend passed and the phone call never cam through. Since he didn't strike as someone who would disappear without a word, I waited roughly a week and called him to make sure he was okay. My voicemail was humorous, yet biting...heheh...definitely showcasing my personality and catered toward a certain type of an individual. For your reading pleasure (NOT really!): "...You left a whole lotta voicemail msg, and didn't follow-up. I gathered it was good cause for concern. Short of jumping to conclusions , I’ve considered three options thus far: a) you had a change of heart; b) you’ve had a personal or family emergency; c) you’re delivering three sets of quintuplets and you’re the only physician on hand. Pardon my sense of humor. I look forward to finding out which one of my option fits best. If I don’t hear from you , I hope everything is fine after all, please take good care of yourself.” He called me up later than day ( I missed the call again) and left me a profusely apologetic message, no less than six apologetic inserts)..he so sorry, he was supposed to call me at such and such time (didn’t’ remind him of that in my msg) and he can’t wait to talk to me, he had a week from hell, and he’ll call me at such and such time. I decided to phone him. We talked briefly about silly stuff. He was officially starting his 1st work week the following day ( 3 days of regular hours, four days on call – lovely!). I wished him good luck and pretty much got off the phone at that point. About two weeks later, I decided to call to see how he’s managing his time, and how the residency is treating him so far. Had to leave him a voicemail. He called me back to tell me that he was actually on vacation in sunny FL, catching up on all that good stuff, like food and sleep, told me when he’s coming back. Cause I missed the call again, I thought I’ll call him up to acknowledge the fact that I heard his message, told him briefly what I’ve been up to. He called me up a few days later to thank me for keeping up with him, to command me on my fondness for linguistics, how much he enjoys my voicemails, said he only had a few minutes to talk. I accepted the compliments graciously and we hung up. It has been a month, I haven’t heard from him. I know he has no time to date, but he has time to make phone calls. I know that I failed to flirt throughout our exchange. As I see it, he sets millions of hearts of flutter daily, although nothing in his disposition illustrates an ounce of conceit. He’s been nothing but nice and apologetic. Did I peak his interest, no, not really. He doesn’t need me as a friend. Frankly, for the first time in my life I find myself on the other side of the coin. I finally comprehend why men and women can’t be friends if they are attracted to one another. This is unrequited love. I’m thoroughly sad b/c I cannot imagine meeting anyone so perfect again, anyone who embodies the combination of qualities I’ve been looking for to a tee. I feel like the Power Above had played a cruel joke on me. Why did I have to meet him…I was willing to settle for a bit less b/c I had always thought that the person I imagine as my best companion doesn’t exist. I don’t ever think it’s a good policy to blame myself. Should I have flirted? Would someone like him had responded in the way I would prefer? Or is this the case of out of site out of mind…Why did he ever call me up in the first place? Why would anyone call just to thank one for keeping up with him? The second he uttered these words, I understood it as a specific cue – please don’t call me again, please don’t keep up with me anymore. Who would agree with me? That’s what you get when you’re dealing with someone who is too polite for his own good. I’ve been having stalkish tendencies b/c as little as I know him, I know where he works, plays and lives. I wish I didn’t’have this kind of info. in my possession.

I apologize once again for such a convoluted post. don't hate cause I'm beautiful (Laughing through tears)

R.

Brat Princess

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 10:42pm

I have tried responding to you for about 10 mins so I have lost a lot of what I was going to say. But, first I was going to ask were you in STL because I know I met a guy like that who was in his residency and he was good for conversation. Some guys are. But, I also wanted to mention to you never think a guy is out of your league. As far as him well he has missed the boat maybe he had a woman and could not keep or course study etc.. But, if I were you he is not showing enough interest I would move on. Also, just because you clicked on so many levels does not mean it is meant to be but it could be a soul mate and that is what you are meant to be. Be open to it or my favorite poem "Reason, Season, Lifetime" and it is a reason you met him now to help for that lifetime relationship coming next year or the year after or when ever in school or after.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 1:29am

I'm just wondering if you did any investigative work to see if this guy is telling the truth about things such as working at the hospital. I'm not saying he isn't legitimate. But I know I've seen several men play this game on-line, and I'm sure if a guy is handsome and a good liar, he can play this game in person. The guy will purposefully tell women he meets things to make him sound like every woman's dream man. He's always either doctor and/or going to medical school. He's a model. He's a top athlete. He loves children and does lots of volunteer work to help. He's supported himself since he was young, etc. etc. Then, he goes out of his way to be super sweet and very complimentary to you. And it's really just a game to him to see what happens when he makes himself sound like every woman's dream man. I know men do this because my brother once did and told me about it. Then, a guy did it to my best friend. And she fell for it until she asked him to send her a picture of himself, and he sent a picture that had very clearly just been cut out of a magazine. Then a few days later somebody came on-line claiming to be the guy's brother, and saying that the guy had died in a car crash, but that right before he had died, he had gone to other cars even though he had a broken leg, and he had pulled two or three people out of their burning cars and saved their lives. At that point, it became obvious that the guy was lying. Then, I had a guy try to play the same game on me on-line, but having seeing what my friend went through and having heard from my brother how the game is played, I caught on to what the guy was doing pretty quickly.

I know that the cases I'm talking about were over the internet, and you met this guy in real life, but who's to say a hot guy couldn't do the same thing in real life? When you start saying how he's a doctor and a top athlete, it sounds a little bit suspicious. Plus, who takes a vacation just two weeks after starting a new job?

Even if he is telling the truth about everything, I have heard stories from women who were married to doctors and lawyers who were very abusive to them, but they say that nobody would have ever believed them because these men came off seeming incredibly sweet and charming to anybody who wasn't very close to them and didn't know them very well.

Plus, I was recently reading an article about somebody that did a study where they found that in whirlwind romances were people are engaged after nine months of knowing each other and married in a year and a half usually end in divorce because the people don't really know each other yet and are disappointed in what they find out after the marriage. And I'm sure these are couples who have spent a lot more time with each other then you have spent with this guy.

I guess my whole point is that you keep talking about this guy as though you know he's your dream man that would have made you happier than any other person you'll ever meet if only you could have had him. But how can you possibly know whether he would have been dream your man when you don't even really KNOW him?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:20am

Thank you so much for you advice. You deserve a medal for reading through my post.

I am not about to mention my stats (would have included them in my ivillage profile) As long as your name doesn't start with J.( it doesn’t as far as your post shows) we're not talking about the same guy (are we?) In which case, you, or a distant friend of yours (mine) had the utmost pleasure of meeting this amazing individual…Have we acquaintance(s) in common (think big city--small town)?

One should not start out thinking that someone is out of one's league, but we often allow ourselves to think that some people really are not good enough for us, even if this person hasn't done anything alarmingly dysfunctional. I merely try not to do is throw the reigns to someone else to make that decision for me. For the most part, I kept up with him out of courtesy because he was so painfully polite, and so meticulous about returning my phone calls with all sort of promises. I wish he hadn’t committed himself to so much all too soon. I was all too aware of the fact that he would be a constant time crunch hazard. I wasn’t prepared to deal with his lifestyle or don’t have a particular desire to be with a doctor especially one whose specialty virtually guarantees “hours on call” for the rest of his working years.

As a relentlessly as I try to move in the right circles, I NEVER meet anyone who genuinely peaks my interest. I am primarily having a difficult time purging this encounter because I had felt undeservedly taunted. Accidentally, as much as I prefer to be in the driving seat, despite frequent descouragement from all sorts of sources, I also know how to keep the right pace...

Thanks again...I look forward to playing Six Degrees of Separation with you.

P.S. I type my post up in Word first to minimize any chances of losing my text prematurely.




Edited 8/16/2005 12:22 am ET ET by dumberu
Brat Princess
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:36am

Hmmm...assuming the worst...I see...no he really is an intern at the residency program of the aforementionedNOT hospital, and he really is as old as he is, and he really does have the siblings he mentioned, and his family is still living where he said they did, and he really did go to med school where he said he did, and played basketball for the university he referenced. He also lives where he said he does. Unfortunately doctors have no privacy rights (I hope most of their civil liberties are still intact), meanwhile, patients are overcompensated courtesy of HIPAA. I doubt that residents realize that their schedules (rotations, grouping, on call hours, vacations monthly and for the duration of the entire residency year are posted online,including their pager numbers, for all to see -- full public access). Sshhh!!!!!

Sooo...this wasn't a fluke. He wasn't trying to impress me. I wasn't trying to impress him. He really is this incredibly well-rounded individual who does everything well and has very little personal time.

You must be disappointed.

Me

P.S. I wish I didn't have all this info at my fingertips, stalking wouldn't be an option -- just kidding about the last part.

Edited 8/16/2005 1:16 pm ET ET by dumberu




Edited 8/16/2005 1:16 pm ET ET by dumberu
Brat Princess
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 10:27am
How come an average lifespan of a typical post is only about two days? Shall we blame this one on our increasingly shrinking attention span? Just thought I'd throw it out there -- for my sake -- game anyone?
Brat Princess
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 7:05pm
Did you actually find out for sure that all this stuff about him is true? Maybe it is true and maybe you are more of a trusting person than some of us out there. I guess there are lots of us out there that don't trust right away for several different reasons. I don't think I remember if you were the last one to call him from your original post but if you weren't the last one to call then I would call one more time because what do you have to lose if you liked him so much? Hell, I would even call just one more time even if he was the last to call, just don't call again after that because then it gets to be too much. Sometimes people don't call because they forget and get busy. Maybe he's not the type to get smitten right away but if he gets to know you and knows that you are interested, he could become smitten with you too. I don't think I can really know someone until about 6 months into dating them and then after a year, that's when I really decide if they are the one for me. People can and do throw surprises your way. I can't say that I've met someone once and clicked with them so well that I thought that they would be perfect for me. I've met a lot of great guys who I thought might have some potential and started relationships with some but never in my life have I met someone so amazing that I was smitten and I'm 29, so that's a lot of years on this planet to never be smitten by someone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 1:54pm

You're my age. My experience has so far been (largely due to socio-economic circumstances) that they are incredibly wonderful men out there, but I don't run into them, I would know where to find them, but I can't make it a full-time job. I try my best, hope for the best, and sometimes faith brings the right associations, but other times you find yourself standing next to someone and you badly want to make a connection but the context doesn't allow it.

I thought I said that he didn't lie to me. He really is who he says he is. I live in a big city, but it's a small town. He may be new to the city, but our social networks overlap probably more than i realize. he just happens to be so busy, they I don't run into him on the street or at functions.

I will date and attempt relationships with people I can respect for whatever reasons, but I feel like i'm just passing my time, waiting for something better to come along, even though I think there is something about a person worth investing, ultimately I won't commit.

Thanks for your reply

Brat Princess
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 2:43pm

I think for the entire time you have known him you have been second guessing his interest in you. You keep saying he is out of your league and you doubt the reason he called was because he was interested in dating you.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 3:41pm

Yours is a very sensible approach to the situation. I did not see an opportunity to bring up the issue of dating. Just because he mentioned once that he would love to go out with me, I wouldn't dare to assume that his interest was of romantic character. Personally, I am careful to say I'd "love to go out" when I mean "hang out," or "get together." I _have been_ second-guessing. I played up the neutral notes of our verbal exchanges.

I do not follow about the "self-doubt" part. He may have felt subtly rejected as a result of my absolute casualness. My pride got in the way of thinking that he had meant nothing more than please STOP bugging me when he phoned me the very last time just to thank me for keeping up with him. I don't want it to be solely my job to maintain contact just because he has an unconventional work schedule. Is this the component of self-doubt to which you were referring? The problem from the start was utter failure for both of us to establish the nature of our interest in one another. I never thought that a shortage of outright flirting would create so much confusion.

Thank so much for the insight.

Brat Princess
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:16pm
You said <
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

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