Its over but is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Its over but is it?
26
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 11:52am

Dear Board

I was in a relationship for 5yrs with my first love, during that time our relationship has problems like most couples but then we decided to end it. In feb this year he decided to come round my house 4am drunk telling me he loves me, naturally my parents were very upset at the time he came round as we all had to wake up for work so i reacted in away most people would, i got upset and shouted and told him that i didnt want to know. Two weeks after that happened i realised that i missed him and tried to get things back on track and he told me that he didnt want a relationship with me. he said he didnt love me anymore but he still cared and we could be friends. During this time he was very horrible to me, avoiding my calls, only calling when he wanted to and because i cared about him i allowed him to do it.

On one occasion when i called him a girl answered the phone and when i asked who it was he told me it ws his girlfriend, even though a week ago he told me he didnt want a relationship with anyone. The next day he told me she wasnt his girlfriend and that he just said that, so once again i put my cards on the table and told him how i felt and we could be friends but he has to treat me with a little respect. he said that he didnt know if he could treat me any different so i decided to leave it alone. I sent him a letter telling him how i felt and that if he changes his mind that im there for him. When i called the next day to see if he received the letter his phone picked up and i heard him speaking to another girl. i confronted him about it and he said it was just a girl who was round at his mates house so i believed him. On the 1st april i called him at home and a girl answered, he said that it was his girlfriend and when i started to question him she grabbed the phone and insulted me. The next day he rung to say sorry and that she had no right to do it and that she wasnt his girlfriend and that it wasnt serious. I told him that she must be cos she told me to stay away from her man and he said at the time she was his girlfriend.

I told him to tell me the truth and he stuck to the story that it isnt serious and that he hasnt even slept with her. The monday i found myself begging him to take me back and he said that i wasnt worth all this s**t, so from that i decided to cut all contact. i left a message on his answermachine the next day saying 'that i deserve better and that after five yrs together that it is out of order the way he has treated me and no matter how much i love him, i love myself more and will not be allowed to be treated like this, if he is happy with his new girlfriend that i wish him all the luck in the world'. Since then i havent contacted him at all, its been 10days and i havent heard anything from him.

Even though im getting on with things i still feel that it isnt over cos it seems like he didnt even know what is going on in his own life. friends tell me that if he wants to know he'll contact me and he might come back cos you dont fall out of love overnight and i cant believe that after 2wks of no contact he found someone else. DO you think i should continue on the path of no contact and see what happens or contact him and see if he wants to give it another go?

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 5:02pm

Dear Sherrill

Thank you for kind words of encouragement, im gonna let go and let fate decide what will happen with me and ex, i will keep hope alive though but i do have to move on. I decided to chuck away any memories of me and him as that is the past and if he does return then it will be a new beginning, fresh starts all round. Ive actually taken the day off work to relax myself, since all this has happened ive just chucked myself into my job but i think i deserve a break for once. Ive got a few songs thats ive been listening to that has made me think alot, on in particular is called small change, her bloke left her and then decided to come back but she realised she is better off without him so she says his less than small change to her, it makes me feel alittle better but ill have to see if i can get that song you are talking about.

I gonna enjoy this weekend, a friend of mine has organised a night out on monday especially for me and also we have organised a trip to bournemouth which is in dublin or something (im from UK by the way) so that should be good. im jst gonna get on with things now and whatever happens will happen. Thank you for being there for me, i feel that now you are a friend even thoough i dont know. Anytime you need advice please feel free to get in touch, im good at giving advice but not taking my own but im gonna start doing that, ive developed a friendship with someone close, ME.

Take care

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:18am
Queen-Bee
I am very proud of the decision that you made. I have always heard that before you are able to love another, you have to learn to love yourself. I know that i have been through some trying times in my life, but here lately I have started worrying about myself a little more than normal and it seems to make things easier. I figured out that while i might not have anyone around, I have myself and if I like who i am than i will find happiness. Makes alot of sense, doesn't it? It just takes some time for some people to understand that, aka ME!
It has been great dicussing things with you! You seem like you are an awesome person even though i don't know you! I could definately form a friendship with someone like you. By the way i am from North Carolina, USA. I am one of those "southern girls".
Anyway stick to your guns and move on. Fate has everything right where he wants it. And remember one quote for me, "Whenever one door of happiness close, another ALWAYS opens. But sometimes we stare at the closed door to long and never see the greatness that has been opened before us!"
Good Luck queen-bee!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 2:11pm

Hi Sherrill

how are you doing? today has been a pretty bad day for me, like an idiot i tried to get in contact with him. I rung his phone, he picked it up, and didnt say anything and neither did i so he hung up, at first i thought it was because i withheld my number so i rung again without witholding my number and he didnt even pick it up, just let it go to answermachine. i then rung his work place and they told me he has gone away for the weekend (when i did ring his phone the dialing tone was different so i guess hes gone away to a different country)

I rung his house phone and his mum was really off with me, i dont know why. So i sent a text message to his phone saying that any pictures or letters that he has of mine i want back because if hes prepared to give up 5yrs of us being together then he doesnt need to have any memories of me, since then he hasnt replied and i sent that 7hours ago. Now it seems like he really doesnt want nothing to do with me and he has moved on. I was really upset, i keep thinking that i made a stupid mistake sending that message but what else can i do, now his actions have really shown me that he wants nothing more to do with me so all i can do is move on to, after 5yrs how could he just cut me off like that? sorry if i keep going on but i dont know who else to turn to. my friend said what i done was for the best but it hurt that he didnt have the decenty to reply back, now i have no hope that we'll ever get back together after that.

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 4:22am
Lucy -
STOP contacting him. You've turned into an obsessively desperate woman and now even his mother knows that. You don't prove to someone you don't need them by continuing to call them just to let them know how much you don't need them. You're making lame excuses to contact him - and calling every available number to boot - and you're losing face because of it. Harsh? Yes, but it's the truth. Stop calling before you lose all self respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 6:13am

Dear Woeisme

thanks for the tough love, its just what i needed to hear your right, i am making myself look desperate but now my actions are gonna speak louder than words. i was really proud of myself for not contacting him for 17days but then i listened to my mates, now im gonna follow my own intution and continue on the path that i started out on as it is the best. On a more positive note i went out last night with girlfriends and had a really good time, met loads of blokes, just had a dance and nothing else. now im gonna concertrate on my studies and future plans by myself, i know ive said this time and time again but im gonna stick to it cos as a wise woman has told me 'it was the end of one phrase in my life to allow a new one'

thanks once again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 8:14am
Queen-bee
Okay let me in on something. How was your relationship when you guys were together? Were you all about each other and it seemed that no onw or nothing mattered? Why did you guys break up? And was it a bad break up?
Sometimes the actions of people are what form from the circumstances of the relationship! But let me assure you of something. When that phone call came and it was blocked...he knew that it was you! Guys aren't stupid. They know! But since you didn't say anything, than neither did he. You never know, he could be out of town on business or anything. But don't let this get you to your breaking point. Okay? Things always happen for a reason. But like my mother (she always gives me a ton of advise) says stand still and let Fate and God work, because the things that us as humans do to "fix" the situation, actually only makes things worse than what they were.
Have faith! Be patient and everything will work out. But remember you have to start letting go! You have to distance yourself from the situaton and let him miss you! You calling him the other day just showed him that you are still waiting. You need to make him worry the way that you are worried about him. Guys know how to play there cards, so why don't you beat him at his own game? Keep yourself busy. Whenever you have the chance to go out, GO don't hestiate GO! In the end you will feel better about the situation and you too!
Remember have FAITH! God knows what he is doing! TRUST ME!
I am here any time!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:29am

Dear Sherrill

In answer to your questions, when we were together its like no one else mattered, we did everything together. i can safely say we were best friends but due to his friends being jealous it caused alot of problems. We would arrrange to do things and then they would call him up and say they got something going on and when he told them that he was with me, they would make remarks like ive got him p***y wipped and under the thumb which wasnt true cos he was the one who always wanted to spend time with me. we argued about it and would fight and what did it was new years couple years back, we arranged to go out and cos one of his mates wasnt doing anything he let me down big time to have him come over. In the end the friend didnt turn up and he called me asking if he could come to the party i was at but i said no as i was hurt.

From that point he allowed his friends to disrespect me on various occassions and never backed me up when they did it. One evening he came to my house drunk and thats what pushed me over the edge, maybe i reacted wrong in his eyes but it was 4am in the morning so how else should i have acted, happy i dont think so, this happened in feb this year and since that hes been saying that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. i noticed at one point when i told him i didnt want him either he got upset, what does he expect from me? Anyway after sending that text i realised that now ive got to move on, at first i regretted sending it as it might have given him a ego boost thinking she still wants me but i didnt put any indication of emotion/romantic feeling, it was pretty cool. As its the bank holiday this weekend ive arranged to go to several parties with friends and family and i got a bbq as well, ive started doing my studies again and ive started buying things to redecorate which i plan to do in June. I feel alot happier today than ive felt in ages, your advice has made me feel alot stronger and if he is to come back then he needs to see this side of me cos thats who he fell in love with. Thanks for all the advice and i will keep you posted, take care

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 5:00pm

Hi sherrill

How you doing, long time no hear i hope you have been okay. Anyway im feeling like my old self again, im alot happier now as i have made a decision. I have decided that what happened between me and my ex is in the past and so is our relationship and im not gonna take him back no matter what cause i realised that i never reall wanted him back, i thought i did because he was with someone else but he caused me so much hurt when we were together, me going back with him wouldnt be any different as i would be going back to the same problems. Ive learned a lesson in all this and it has made me stronger. On a more positive note a old friend of mine which i was seeing on a casual basis got in touch with me after a month of us not speaking (he fell out with me over something stupid). Anyway he tried calling/texting me several times in one night cos he wanted to see me but i held out for three days before i saw him (usually i run when he calls). when i did see him its like he was a totally different person.

When i usually go to his, we never used to speak, just straight into bed but this time he made effort, was talking to me, made me feel wanted and needed, he even gave me a nice massage which i needed after all the stress ive been through, he even cuddled me in the night and he doesnt do that. Seems like when he told me that he didnt want to see me again, cos i didnt chase behind after him (i didnt contact him at all) he realised that he missed me and wanted to see me. Im just keeping it cool with him, no pressure, let him do the running and see where it goes this time round (ive been seeing him for 18months but it was never serious, hes scared of commitment/relationships). i guess i was chasing behind after my ex cos of what happened with this bloke, the fear of being alone but now i dont even want something serious, just alittle company from time to time. Thanks for all the advice you have offered me and the support and i hope one day i can return the favour. Take care

Lucy..xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:39pm
Good Afternoon!
Sorry that it took so long for the response, but work has been unreal.
I am very proud of you for seeing the situation for the way that it truly is. That is where i am now. I longed for the touch and comfort of my ex for a long time now and hoping and praying that things would work out. His ex is still a part of his life and she knows what buttons to puch to keep him coming back. But for the first time in a long long time, i don't see him as this person that walks on water any longer. He is just a simple confused human being that has more issues than a magizine. Where i still miss his laugh, our talks, his smile, his touch, etc...I don't miss the constant fear of failure that i had.
And we must be twins....I had a very close friend that i lived and breathed for a long time. At one time we were going to get married. We figured that if our relationship was that great than marriage would be better. But my friend became really interested in him so i sat them up. Needless to say she got rather jealous of our relationship and caused problems. Then a month into there realtionship she lies to him and tells him that she is on birth control but the real story was that she just wanted a baby. I was forbid to see the child, but about 1 month ago, my friend calls and tells me how much he misses me and needs me. Ever since then we have been hanging out with his baby and she is adorable. It is good to have him back and i didn't notice how much i had missed him being there for me. I am glad that he is around, especially during this time in my life. I need him now more than i ever have before. It is great to have him back in my life!
Anyway write me whenever you want. If you want my email address that would be great! I like our conversations and well it is good to talk to someone who is going through the same thing even though the situation itself may suck!
Talk to you soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:00pm
hI:
I was reading all these posts and relationships are difficult, very difficult. I just think that you have to have faith in God and believe that he has a plan for you. I suffered a lot when my b/f andI borke up for like 8 months. Even now things aren't perfect but sometimes like will hang you upside down and then settle again. When my ex and I broke up I did the same thing, find excuses to call and say it's over! I laugh about it now. I'm S-U-R-E some people will say I was pathetic but you know what he came back and I forgave him for everything. He did some cold things when we were apart but TRUE LOVE N-E-V-E-R dies sometimes it just takes time to fall into place ; )