Just Friends; he's not ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2008
Just Friends; he's not ready
8
Mon, 03-09-2009 - 10:47pm

P and I met on myspace about 5 1/2 months ago. I'm 31, he's 34. I've been divorced, he's never been married. Neither one of us have any kids. He messaged me to say he like my profile, and we started e-mailing from there. It was just strictly friends, and I even dated someone else for a couple of months. We tried to get together 4 times, and each time, something happened and we never made it to the first meet until the 5th try, 2 weeks ago.

Somewhere along the line while e-mailing, I started being more interested in him, but I never said anything, because I couldn't get a reading on him and his feelings. Then we met, and I was blown away~~my interest translated to real life. We've seen each other 3 times in the last 2 weeks, and I'm falling for him quickly. He says that he's interested in me, too, and is very attracted to me, and thinks highly of me...

BUT...

We've talked considerable both before we met and since, and it's been established that he's not ready to date anybody, because he's not in the right place in his life to be able to give enough, and he has some job issues/financial issues he wants to take care of first.

He says: "You are much better looking in person than what your pictures depict, can't pretend that I didn't look you all over both times you were over here, and it's been a long, long time since I've had anyone I had thoughts of intimacy towards, of wanting to wake up with, buy lingerie for, etc. and I definitely have those thoughts. We'll say that up front. To find a single, 30something in this city that doesn't have twenty kids and has a solid head on her shoulders is a good find. Worthy of a Nicholas Cage treasure-hunter movie, even. I do like you. In many of those respects. However, I've been walking a thread for too long, and am in this wierd place where everything I know is fully capable of changing directions in one breath. I've programmed myself to NOT be open to the idea of dating anyone at the moment. That may mean that someone wonderful comes, stays, and passes me by before I get my head right, but I'm not on solid enough footing to bring someone into my life just yet, and being alone is better than watching someone crash and burn with me." I fully respect his position, because I also do not want to crash and burn with anyone.

So, my question is, has anyone out there been in a similar situation? As in, being just friends and hanging out and having fun together (with NO sexual contact at all, just hugs hello and goodbye, and sometimes flirting) while letting him deal with his issues, and then had it work out to be a relationship?

I'm just worried that I'm going to get stuck in that Friend Zone, and never get the chance to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 1:02am
I have not been in your position but maybe the best way to protect your heart and mind is to just keep the door open but limit your contact to an occasion email every so often so you dont get closer and closer and then get hurt if he chooses to date someone else one day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2009
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 1:07am

I have, and I finally got the nerve to tell him how I felt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 9:39am

Hawaiianskies,


Welcome to the board! I have not been in your position, but I feel like if you are going to go ahead with this friendship then you should with no exprectations. He might turn around one day and decide to move forward, he might not and you may be stuck in the Friend Zone. What is it that you want?He has already told you what he wants, are you willing to wait around? Would you be able to handle it if he begins to date someone else while you are friends because he is ready? I feel like these are things that you need to think about before you decide whether you can be friends. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 9:53pm

Just be clear up front about what you want!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 6:48pm

Unless you can honestly say you'd be okay and accept that you'll never be anything more than a friend to him, you can't

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 6:41pm

"So, my question is, has anyone out there been in a similar situation? As in, being just friends and hanging out and having fun together (with NO sexual contact at all, just hugs hello and goodbye, and sometimes flirting) while letting him deal with his issues, and then had it work out to be a relationship?"

In my opinion, if a relationship does appear, it's going to be a "transitional relationship." These rarely last into anything long term. While they can be intense and feel great, the person (you) really is a bridge to a new stage in their life. Once they made it over the bridge they usually don't need the relationship any more. It happens alot.

Plus if he's dealing with his issues, wait until they are done as it will cloud your chemistry if there is any.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 9:47pm

No, I've never had that happen, but a few times, I've been able to let go of my "more than friends" feelings for the guy and end up with a great friendship out of it.


I wouldn't stay friends if you don't think you can really, truly be

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 03-19-2009 - 12:10pm

I agree with the advice the others have given you. Unless you honestly will be okay with being just friends with him, then it's better to move on. Like Kate said, I think

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