Just friends? Mixed signals
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| Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:34am |
I hope someone can tell me what's going on here! I'm in my mid 40's and recently divorced. I moved out of the house 10 months ago and into a rental place. Since that time the manager of the place, who is also divorced, very attractive, single...and a musician...has been hanging out with me either at my house or inviting me to his place. He Calls me at work quite often (daily,sometimes several times). Quite often I find him at my house when I get home from work as he is the manager of the place...and has a key to get in. And he dosn't leave until I kick him out at night.
Over the many months together we have shared alot, we know each other inside out, have talked for hours into the night,...and have had sexual intimacies, gone shopping together etc, etc, when I ask about what is up with our relationship as he has never been really intimate with me in the way bf/gf are because he dosn't kiss me, or show any real affection, we just play around alot, tickling, wrestling around etc. he just says I am his best friend in the world. When I've brought up the fact that some of the stuff we do are like what couples do...he just says..Why do you want a relationship??? He tells me he's not looking for a girlfriend & and asks me what is wrong with what we have???? He tells me he's had some bad relationships in the past and dosn't want another.
People that know us, assume we are bf/gf only because we are always together ,and he almost insists that I go to every one of his gigs... yet I know when people ask him, he says were just friends, he's told people behind my back that "she wants more from me than I want to give".
A few months ago I finally told him that since I don't have sex with "my friends" and that I only allowed it because I thought there was more to us because of his "mixed signals" I now avoid his sexual advances/comments. I also asked him how he would feel if I met "someone special" he simply told me he wouldn't like it but he would understand, and that the "someone special" would have to understand our friendship.
A lot of the time I feel that he is just hanging with me to have me cook for him, drink my beer...etc Like he's using me. But occassional he does special things for me, like cook me a nice dinner, complete with candles....he cleans my house, we go on drives together...etc. I'm more emotionally into him than I want to admit and he knows it. If he met someone, it would break my heart and he also knows this.
Is he playing me? Is this how some men treat women? Do I need to force him out of my life? Do I shut up? I haven't dated in over 25 years and am very ignorant to this whole thing but all the mixed signals are mixing me up horribly!!

Sounds like you are letting him have his cake and he's eating it too. Personally for me it would be a problem if the manager of the place would be waiting inside my place like that. This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. You've gotten yourself wrapped up in him, having feelings for him and all, and if another female came into the picture, that would REALLY mess you up.
So here's my advice, remove yourself from the picture. Stop answering his phone calls, and try to move some place else if at all possible, someplace where only you have the key. I sympathize with your situation because you havent had much experience, and that's ok. Because you have been involved with him already, and now going back on having sex with him, it's time to move on.
If this guy REALLY wanted to be your BF, he would have done so already, but he's playing you. He wants something that's no strings attached, but you have already attached yourself to him. Bottom line, be the independant woman that you are, and moving away from this guy. Make sure that when you start something with someone, go into it knowing the other person wants to be BF/GF and be on the same lines as you want to be.
Edited 5/11/2006 9:57 am ET by sweatpea79
Yes your right about everything. I've tried ignoring his phone calls, but he just ends up coming over and leaning on the door bell until I let him in. To me...this says he really wants to see me so I give in and we end up having some pretty deep conversations about my feelings....but I still end up feeling very empty inside. or just stupid.
He's told me most everything about his past...how sexually promiscuious he used to be with all the women he would met at band gigs, women are always approaching him giving him their number, but at the end of the night, we always go home together and he shows me the notes & throws them away... he's told me I have been the only one since we met...and of course this makes me feel like he does care... or I'm just stupid.
My lease is comming up soon and although I've told him I am moving he tries to get me to stay. He's said that if I do move I need to make sure he has a key to the place, which unless something more developes, I can't give into him.
He's a master player! I've even told him this, but he denies he's playing me. He just says he dosn't know what he wants. But like you said I am very inexperienced, although I left my husband of 24 yrs because he was playing around on me..... what does it take for a girl to learn? Someone told me these are the new dating games....get used to it. Is this really true?
He's NOT playing you. He's being totally straightforward about what he wants (and doesn't want). It's up to you to ACCEPT that he's being straight with you, and ACCEPT what he's offering...or not. Him caring about you or wanting to spend time with you does NOT mean he wants more!!! If you want more than what you have, then you're barking up the wrong tree and you need to end it (and you totally have the means to stop him from bothering you if you wanted to, since his job would be at risk if you were to file complaints against him with the landlord and/or go to the police with harrassment charges).
Sheri
He is just playing you. He knows it but will not admit it. He has free reign at your place now because he has a key. He gets all the makings of a girlfriend without having the responsibility of one. He sees no reason to change because he has done this long enough with no problem.
When he leans on your door...well does he know what time you get off of work? Is his place next to yours? Come home at a different time, or come home with another guy or girlfriend to protect you. This dude is a psycho!
This guy isn't stupid and he knows exactly what he is doing, he's just playing dumb because he knows you are vulernable and is getting all that he wants...sex. You are weak and he knows it, and he's playing off of that. You need to say no to this guy! If he ever forces his way in after you have locked/closed the door, then that's the time to call the police!
If I were you I hope that you move as far away as you can, make sure that if this guy follows you and doesn't stop, to get a restraining order on him. Is this guy supposed or allowed per your contact to be in your home regardless if he has a key or not? Does he have a boss that you can complain to? Can you have your house monitored to see if he's coming in there during the times your are at work? Do you have the option of moving all of your stuff to a friends house and staying there?
When you do move, don't tell him where you are going, if there's a time period in which he's not around get your stuff packed up and shipped to your new place. Then once you are settled in to your new place, end your lease, drop off your keys, and make as many semi-legit excuses as possible to ignore him/blow him off. But don't do this until everything has been switched over including your phone numbers and addresses.
When moving, make sure you can find as many men/women as possible that you know will protect you. ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU IN THIS PROCESS!!!!! Make stuff up like I'm moving in with a GF or my new BF, change ALL of your numbers, make them UNLISTED!!! Even if you have to change your # @ work then DO SO! Tell your boss you are being harrassed, or if you have caller ID don't pick up the phone. This guy CAN go to jail if he's harassing you.
Make sure you have yourself prepared ahead of time once you walk away from this guy and contact off ALL contact. This guy is using you, and granted you may like the attention cause your ex screwed you over. But understand that men will pray on women for a good time. If this guy was married before, slept around with all kinds of other women and was basically a "man whore", what makes you think that this guy cares or will change...men DONT change!
Girl, I wish you luck, and just make sure that you utilize your support system and all the male and female friends you can get!