Knight in Shining Armor...or is he?
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Knight in Shining Armor...or is he?
| Sun, 02-05-2006 - 3:44am |
Every girl is looking for the ideal man, one that makes her feel like the most important girl in the world. I've found him, but how can i keep the guy i've never actually had? Confused? Here's the jist. We became good friends about 18 months ago. To begin, he is 6 years my elder, not a big deal except i'm 18 and he's 24. I was always a modest mouse in every situation, and never had a real relationship. Everything changed when I met him. Suddenly I didn't care so much about how I looked, I was just me around him, and he liked me for it! The first unintentional movie night we had was amazing. I was actually in the arms of a guy, and didn't have a care in the world, I finally understood it. Not to give you the wrong idea, I'm still a virgin after 18 months, but the emotional rollercoaster is exhausting! My knight is truely remarkable in many ways, but the flaw of men remains. He waited to sleep with someone until he was 23 and "in love," AKA his ex-girl of only 5 months. I know my best friend well enough to know he must have really liked her...and i mean "wipped". In all fairness i've met her on many occasions and she's, well, horrendous in the guy department. It distresses me to know he cared so much for this undeserving girl and never shows this toward me, his "partner in crime." In our time together, and i mean still as "friends," the physical part has blossomed tremendously, but yet to reach ultimate intimacy, and get ready...it's because he stops. So many times he's given me the "i'm not ready for a relationship." "I'm trying to be successful with a job before anything serious." "I care for you so much I don't want to hurt you and never see you again." I have to say i'm touched, but enough is enough! in this time there have been no other girls and I of course have no other guys. A few nights ago I couldn't help myself and looked him square in the face and said what i've known all along, i love you. At first he joked around and hugged me nonstop, I didn't expect anything more, im not that naive. I also haven't mentioned that none of our mutual friends or his friends know of "us," a secret that makes me feel like a whore (although no sex). I just get soo terribly sad when I'm hanging out at his place (and never anywhere else because he refuses) and see pictures of his family, and watch as he tries to hide instant messages from me while I try to make conversations and I become deeply aware that i'm not really apart of his life...i'm just a "dirty little secret." I've always been overtly mature for my age and it bothers me extremely when he occasionally says "your young, go out and have fun," "hey kid," or other such jests. In the end, I can't help but be infatuated with a man every woman would dream of being with: the kind, sensitive, wonderful with children, beautiful artist who makes me feel like an angel and a whore within the same moment. I can't let go, but I'm tired of being a sap. I deserve a great guy, this amazing guy, one that no other amounts too. How does a girl always considered "one of the guys" actually get her love and not just be another friend?

"the kind, sensitive, wonderful with children, beautiful artist who makes me feel like an angel and a whore within the same moment"
Do you not see the complete contradiction? Kind and sensative, makes you feel like a whore. Those two don't mesh.
For a year and a half this has been going on? He's still in love with his XGF. You know this.
You must not yet have been with a guy who has really treated like you the most important girl in the world if you think this guy makes you feel this way after all of the things you have described. That's okay if you haven't found a guy to treat you that way yet. Most 18 year olds haven't. But what I mean is that you might temporarily get caught up in feeling like the most important girl in the world when you are alone with this guy. However, if he really felt that way about you, then he wouldn't be keeping you a secret from everybody, and he wouldn't keep making excuses about why he can't get involved in a relationship. If he really had that type of love for you that made him want to treat you like the most important girl in the world, then he would want you to be his girlfriend, and he would want the whole world to know it. He is trying to tell you that he doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved, and if I were you, I would listen to him.
You ask, "How does a girl always considered 'one of the guys' actually get her love?", I am in a relationship that started off as a good friendship first, and before that I had a few friendships with guys where one person wanted to be more than friends, but the feelings weren't mutual. In my experience, there is nothing you can do to MAKE the other person like you. You can only be yourself, and either the person loves you in that way or they don't. I have never seen it work for anybody when they tried to push a friend that they liked as more than a friend into liking them back. Even if there was some sort of secret formula of things you could do to make somebody fall in love with you, if they fell in love with you only after you did those things, if the person can't love you for just being yourself until you do those things, then does the person really love you for YOU?
This guy is not the only guy out there who is kind, sensitive, good with children, and a beautiful artist. You are lucky in that you still have many years of your life ahead of you to meet and fall in love with more of these types of men. And many of them would love you back as much as you love them. It's possible that some day this guy might come to appreciate and love you like that, but it's pretty unlikely if it hasn't happened yet. If you find that he is bringing a lot of pain and heartache into your life, then you should ask yourself if this friendship is really worth hanging on to.
You get it by respecting yourself and not allowing disrespectful treatment towards you. I would never tolerate being a secret. I suggest telling the guy you are not willing to hide your relationship anymore, and either you are openly a couple or you're leaving.
You can't control what another person does, and he may tell you he refuses to be open about his relationship with you. But then you know you'll never be more, and you can leave him, being free to find someone who will date you openly and shout it to the world.
In this case you really can't be more than friends. At 26, and coming fresh off of a 3.5 yr RL, I'm still waiting for that right man. It seems to me that he's trying to rebound...but hasn't fully gotten over his ex. Rebounds don't work. Men tend to try and block ex's out of their system...they push it aside...keep themselves busy to keep their minds off of it...and then one day it will hit them hard. Seems like he's trying to fill that hole, and it's not fitting right at all. At 24 men are still trying to find themselves...what they want in life...and where they want to go. Men need to feel secure in there own life before they can start to have a commitment, or anything long term...men are raised to be providers, and when they can't do that...it makes it hard to keep it. You may want to find someone that's closer to your age and without the baggage.
He's got A LOT of unresolved issues with his ex that he alone can only work through, you should sit down with him...be honest, tell him what you are seeing and if he wants to continue with things. Keep in mind that if you have a RL that's either long term or very intense, it takes a long while to fully get over someone. People need time and space apart before they can really talk to each other again. If this guy is keeping his ex in the picture, number one it's not fair to you, and two he'll never really get over her until he cuts all contact and finally moves on. Personally I hope and pray that I get over my ex soon...and as much as I love and miss him...that part of me wants to be friends...someday soon I hope I'll find someone that completes me.
Good Luck :)