Knowing he's the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Knowing he's the one?
4
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 5:34pm

I met this guy at field training. We got a long really well, we looked out for each other (and I thought he was really cute), but obviously it's military training... not exactly romantic or a good place to be able to hang out (while not ironing or shining shoes or something). Anyway, afterwards we stayed in touch and he came to visit me about 8 months after we had met. We decided we wanted to do the long distance thing because we've liked each other since field training. We talk all the time, he's amazingly sweet, we feel like we've known each other forever, and we're very compatible on so many things. The only problem is there is not really any time in the near future here where we might be living closer that a plane ticket away.

How much can you really know from phone conversations and sporadic short visits to each other? Is deciding if he's "the one" possible if you've never actually lived near enough to each other to have a "normal" relationship and regular dates? I really kind of hope that you can safely know someone well enough through phone conversations, emails, and short visits enough to make a decision like that, but I'd like some advice on how to "know" when there is so much distance between us. Thank you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 6:42pm

Hello,

I believe it is possible to know in the general sense if you are compatible with someone just from small amounts of interaction, telephone calls, etc. However, because of the lack of physical contact (even just being near the person), there is bound to be a slightly higher emotional aspect and that makes it very hard to see clearly. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in the end if the chemistry is ok it will all come down to little habits of the other person's -- the old thing about leaving the toilet seat up, throwing his socks on the floor when he goes to bed (rather than into the hamper), not clearing his plate or cup away after a snack, and other sloppy habits that to him don't mean much but to you might annoy the heck out of you!

I speak somewhat from experience with a long-distance relationship turned into one in which we share the same house. Mind you, my fella isn't a military boy so maybe you won't have all of those issues!

Either way, best of luck with everything. Just go with the flow of things, don't make any 'final' decisions (there's no need to yet) and enjoy where the relationship takes you. That's all you can do with long-distance ones, but they can be just as rewarding as any other. Just make sure to listen to your inner voice, whichever way it tells you to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:44pm
yes i totally agree... sometimes these things work out, sometimes they don't. but if you have feelings of experimenting with the rest of the world that is fine. and it also doesnt mean you two are over forever. you can even look at this as a good time for you guys to do the living you both need to do and keep in contact with each other and learn more what you can about each other long distance. you are being smart about it though... you are clearly not exactly leaning towards sticking with it for the long run no matter what, at least it seems. a lot of people get hurt that way, in long distance or even short distance relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 2:11pm

<< How much can you really know from phone conversations and sporadic short visits to each other? >>

You can only know as much as the other person wants you know.

<< Is deciding if he's "the one" possible if you've never actually lived near enough to each other to have a "normal" relationship and regular dates? >>

First question is, how long have you been in your LDR? Reason I ask is because, if it's only been a short time, a few months, it's really too soon to be thinking of whether or not he's "the one." You really wouldn't have enough knowledge of him, at this point, to know.

<< I really kind of hope that you can safely know someone well enough through phone conversations, emails, and short visits enough to make a decision like that, but I'd like some advice on how to "know" when there is so much distance between us. >>

You may not like this answer, but ... honestly, I don't think you can know someone well enough to KNOW ... just thru phone, email, short visits. Truly knowing someone requires interaction in their lives.

Think of it this way ... when in a LDR, when all you get is short visits ... whereby both people are putting their best foot forward, and each time, it's like being on mini-vacation. It's not day-to-day interaction. You don't really get to see the good, the bad and everythign in between. You dont really get to see the other person's habits, quirks, how they handle having a "bad day" ... all that stuff.

LDRs are difficult enough. I do think they can succeed ... when there's a foundation in place. Meaning, a couple starts out in a regular relationship, normal dating and interaction ... and one or the other has to move ... well, that can work ... with diligent effort ... because there's already a foundation in place of knowing each.

However, when starting from a position of distance, it's my opinion that, well ... that's like starting a relationship from a deficit position. And, is one or the other going to be willing to move ... to be with the other ... when you really don't KNOW who you're moving to be with? That's taking a pretty big gamble. I suppose if you kept up the sporadic visits for a year or so ... and had the oppt'y to see more and more of their life, their habits, quirks, traits, flaws, etc ... that it could work ... but, it will require a LOT of patience and effort.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:24pm
is he the one for what? is he your soulmate, your other half? i think that's expecting too much of a long distance relationship. he seems to be the one for now, but will he become 'the one'? who knows? love is based on mutual respect and trust, time spent together and shared experiences, and mostly is a leap of faith. sometimes you go for it, sometimes you chicken out. it's about taking chances and taking a stand... best wishes.