Lack of respect? When to draw the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Lack of respect? When to draw the line?
4
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 6:39pm

I am in a sad predicament right now. I have been dating someone seriously for the last two years. We hit it off from the beginning and moved in together very quickly after we met. I truly thought that he could be ‘the one’ and I think he thought the same, as well. We soared through our first year and a half with no real issues; no yelling, no fighting (only disagreements from time to time), and were truly in love. We still are. However, there have been about 4 instances since this last February where I was introduced to an aspect of him that concerns and even frightens me. I don’t even recognize him when he is in this state.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 11:52am

Hi Brookita,

I got a very unsettling, familiar feeling when reading your post. He has stepped over the line already, and you can only expect more of this if you stay.

All of it: from the tirades (I'd call them blow ups), to the disrespect for my personal belongings, to the disrespectful sexual incidences even when you told him how much you don't appreciate it - it honestly reminds me of my ex-husband.

There were some red flags while we were dating, but they were far and few between that I just looked at them as isolated incidences. We dated for 2.5 years before we got married. Actually the first 2 years of marriage were easy I thought. Overall he was a bit childish and selfish I knew this, but I still thought it was relatively good.

It got bad. He too had a father that has been physically abusive to him (although with the stories he told sometimes he needed some punishment).

Ex was emotionally abusive more than anything. It just progressed got worse, I couldn't ever reason with him, he'd blame me for f*****g up the marriage, I went to counseling alone (he refused to go).

Eventually I just couldn't take it any more. I made the decision to leave after sitting on the fence for about 9 months. I'd say that's when the "lights were turned on." I finally realized the type of relationship I was in. There was very little improvement, so I could only assume that it would continue like this.

My advice to you: you've only invested 2 years into this relationship. You now see what his true colors are like. That early period, that was really to just get you in his world, to lure you if you will. Do not wish that he could be like he was when you first met. The person he is showing you right now is who he really is. Imagine a lifetime with this person and with it only getting worse - because it will. I would end it if I were you, but I know you aren't there yet. I hope you get there soon.

A great book to help you sort this out is: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Do you want to monitor if he is changing?
Do you want to know if he's really sorry?

Read the book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 9:40am

Hi Sienna,


Thank you for your reply and your words of advice. I will consider them as I mull over all of this. I am still deeply

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:22pm
skigirl_29 at yahoo dot com is my anonymous email. Feel free to write.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2010
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 3:59pm
Because his dad was an abuser means that there is a good chance he is or will be one also. Sorry for the bad new :( but the good things is you can control you. You just need to re-find your confidence! Try to be positive and take care of yourself. I have an article on my site that might help you. If is about getting the guy you want to like you but I think the basic concepts would help you. Let me know if you need anymore help :)
Ruth Bailey www.gethimtolikeyou.com www.personalquestcoaching.com