Laid It On Line.. NOW WHAT???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Laid It On Line.. NOW WHAT???
21
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 6:48pm

This weekend, I finally told him how I felt. For the past 2 years we've "been" together on and off. Here's the problem. He's a widower, and last week was the 5 year anniversary of his wife's death.

This weekend we had a long talk. I told him how I felt. Told him that if he wasn't ready to date I understood, or if he wasn't ready to date ME -- I needed to know. I am 32 and told him that I can't wait around for another 2 years for him to be ready. Even if I waited -- how would I know that it was Me that he'd want to be with.

I am 1,00000 percent head over heels for this man. He confides in me, and when we are together we have a fantastic time. When I talked to him this weekend -- I basically laid it on the line. Told him that I want to be with him, and want to actually "date".

Now I am nervous to see where and if this will go anywhere. He truly is a genuine person -- and when I asked him where he was at, he said he wanted to date and spend more time with one another -- but how long do I wait to see if that happens?

I just get so upset because I am not new to this.. it's not like this is the first person I've falled for -- but he's the first person I ever pictured myself with long term. He has every quality I've ever wanted -- and more -- and I have this amazing feeling that we really are meant to be... I know that sounds sappy -- but I have truly never felt like this before...

Any advice??? I still can't believe I actually had the courage to finally bring all this up to him. In the past, I've been afarid to push him into a committment that he was not ready for..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 7:44pm

Hey there, if I can offer anything at all I can offer comfort in numbers! I did the same thing this weekend with a guy I've been seeing 'on and off' but never have been in an official real relationship with. I too, like you, am tired of waiting for him to make a commitment.. I think you definitely did the right thing approaching him on it. I mean when you think about it, communication is key and if you can talk about anything, the status of the relationship is no exception. I really hope he doesn't drag you along too long - only you can decide how long you want to wait. The good thing is he
said he wanted to date you and see how things go - so see how that goes. If he starts being affectionate with you and stuff, I would say he is happy with how things are going. If he remains aloof then I would say he's not sure.

good luck! but don't ever feel taht you can't open up to a guy... it's soooo important to be able to be open if you ask me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:23am

I don't mean to be harsh but in my 100% honest opinion oyu are wasting your time and clinging to the thinnest of hopes. You've been with this guy off and on for 2 years and he doesn't now how he feels? That's a complete crock it's something guys say and women fall for over and over and over becasue we're brainwashed into thinking we can "scare off" a man who loves us.

It's a load of crap. You can't scare off a man who legitimately loves you, period, end of story, do not pass go do not collect $200. It can't be done. If you can "scare him off" it's just not meant to be.

He doesn't love you and he's not going to magically wake up one day and return you're feelings. However some OTHER guy WILL if you stop wasting your time with this guy, who I'm sure likes you and the comfortable status quo you've afforded him the last two years, but is more likely to be struck by lightening then to suddenly realize he is madly in love with you.

Sorry, to put it so bluntly, but I'd give you better odds of winning one of those lottery scratch of cards then of me being wrong. I've seen stories like yours play out dozens of times I have yet to hear a happy ending.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 8:09am
Is it really always that black or white? I just don't think so but maybe I'm a fool too. If you've never had a guy 'madly' in love with you, (which I have not) it can be hard to ever imagine a guy being that sure about something, that's my view.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 8:37am

I do think it's pretty much that obvious when it's real. And I don't think anyone who doubts me is a fool. I'm pretty sure most people would call me the fool. A very romantic fool, which I actually find pretty funny becasue I'm not at all romantic in the way most people view the word.

And until I experienced it for myself I was just as skeptical as you are. But speaking from experience it is not only possible, but I 100% believe it is something we should all wait for. I think there'd be a lot less divorce.

My fiance is completely and totally, 100% as madly in love with me as I am with him. He's not a big romantic. He doesn't gush about it. But it's obvious in everything he says and does and just in the way he looks at me. I have had many friends tell me they wish their SO looked at them the wya he looks at me. And he's never felt like this about anyone before. Neither of us has. He wasn't ready and honestly looking back I don't think I was either. At least not until we met each other.

Then suddenly two people who didn't like rushing into things found themselves making a commitment to be exclusive after only a month and moving in together after only 3 and 1/2 months and talking about marriage the next month and getting a joint checking account after a total of 7 months. We both just knew absolutely positively beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is it, this will work, this will last a lifetime.

I'd been in love two other times. I'd even been engaged once before but I had never experienced the feeling of absolute certainity I have about committing my life to this man and he feels the exact same way. I can tell in his words, in his actions, just looking in his eyes.

It's all there, it all finally fell into place. No guess work, no anaylzing required. No hemming and hawing. In spite of the occassional disagreement or dealing with some baggage in the beginning we both never lost faith in us.

It is truly one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced, the only thing that came close was holding my niece when she was only 25 minutes old.

There is someone that special out there for everyone, you just have to be patient enough to find it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:26pm
that's very beautiful and I'm very happy for you but I'm still not convinced everyone will find that kind of relationship. I'm not discounting how you describe yours, but it sounds almost idealistic and if we all hold out for that level of romance we may be setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. Just my opinion
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:42pm

You're absolutely right. Not everyone WILL find the kind of relationship I have but that ISN'T becasue they CAN'T. It's becasue they CHOOSE not to.

I suppose I am a bit idealistic, but I'm also a realist. I always hope for the best and prepare for the worst; because, let's be realistic, SOMETIMES the worst happens.

Where love is concerned, I figured if I held out for the best what's the worst thing that can happen. I go through a serious of good exclusive relationships but never find a man I want to commit the rest of my life to. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I have a great life and I'm completely self-sufficient. But I never find what I believe is "true love."

Could be worse, I could stay in a relationship that I don't find fulfilling and that I often question, in which I don't receive the emotional support or understanding I desire, but I marry the guy anyway because I don't want to be too idealistic and end up an old maid for my troule. After maybe 2, 3, 4 years in I begin to feel resentful towards my spouse because he doesn't "get me", I feel unloved and neglected because he doesn't show me affection the way I might like, I spend most of the time we're together nagging him about helping me with household chores, and at night I lay awake wondering if there is something more out there and if I settled too soon.

We try some counselling but it deosn't work because I don't see anything wrong with the way I am and he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is and I begin to realize maybe we're both right. Maybe we ARE both fine the way we are, maybe we just weren't right for each other.

So we get divorced and I'm still right back at square one looking for that "ideal" mate that I might never find, only now years have gone by and I'm divorced and I have all that resentment bottled up for the years I "wasted" with the wrong guy.

Maybe I'm crazy but I just don't think waiting for "true love" and knowing deep down that you'll be happy with someone for the rest of your life is being idealistic. I think it's crazy and unrealistic to think you can be truly happy settling because you're afraid to end up alone. There are MUCH worse things to be then alone. For example, not even giving yourself a chance to ever know what it feels like to be truly loved and adored by someone you love and adore.

Letting people snatch away your dreams and idealism for their brand of "reality" where dreams might come true but not for "normal" people not for "most people". That, to me, would be horrible.

If you give up before you even begin to try then, yes, you're absolutely right, the kind of love I am describing is an "unrealistic expectation", but ONLY if you CHOOSE to give up on it.

When I was younger, heck even today, I'd tell my Mom my dreams, and God love her, wanting to save me from disappointment she'd explain to me how I might be being "unrealistic" and how I might want to take things down a notch because "most people" never achieve their dreams. Well, all I can say to that is that's because "most people" give up on themselves and their dreams ENTIRELY too easily. That's because "most people" don't try hard enough.

I can honestly say that many dreams I've had that I truly believed in and tried for and didn't give up on have come true and the dreams I have that haven't come true yet will if I keep trying for them, there's no doubt in my mind that they will. All the others have why wouldn't they.

The few people who don't give up do achieve their dreams. Maybe not always in the way they original thought they would, maybe sometimes dreams need to be adjusted a bit. Maybe the man who losses his legs and dreams of having them back may have to be "realistic" and dream of what he can accomplish with prosthetic legs or design a "smart" prosthetic leg that works of the nerve endings that are left. (FYI- prosthetic liek that are underdevelopment and greta strides are being made). But to us idealistic types thats all just symentics anyway.

There's a great quote by Muhammad Ali: "Impossible is a big word thrown around by small men who refuse to recognize their power in their own destiny. Impossible is not a threat; it's a challenge. Impossible is a dare, Impossible is potential. Impossible is not a fact. Impossible is nothing."

Not that you were saying finding the love I've found is impossible, but believing that you can't or that it isn't for everyone, that's a good step towards making it impossible, at least for yourself. Anything is possible for anyone as long as they believe it's possible for themselves. The only way to make something impossible is to tell yourself it is.

Look at all the things "most people" thought were "impossible" or "unrealistic": a man on the moon, television, the world being round, winning the Tour De France 7 times after overcoming cancer. Heck, love is EASY compared to those things, love happens all around us every single day.

Yeah it sounds corny and cheesy and idealistic, but I have yet to meet a truly happy person, a person who sees themselves as successful and feels fulfilled that isn't, at heart, an idealist. It doesn't mean you don't see reality, or the difficulties, or the challenges, it just means you don't let "reality" stop you, it means you keep trying, it means ignoring the people that say you can't have what you want.

In my world, realistic is often just another word for pessimistic. I don't pay much attention to reality according to other people's definition, I worry about reality according to mine.

But that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:05pm

That was truly inspirational. Thank you for that! I say that as I find myself holding out hope that the current relationship I'm in will develop into more although my head knows that it won't. I am divorced and know what it is to be completely unhappy with someone yet have allowed myself to get caught up in a relationship with a guy who is clearly less into me than I am in him. And for what? Don't get me wrong, this guy has some great qualities. Of course he does, otherwise I wouldn't feel for him what I do. However, he is missing one essential quality. He's not in love with me!

Ours is a unique situation that had an expiration date from the start due to him being in my area for school that is ending next month. I knew that he had no intention of staying here but didn't let that stop me from continuing our relationship. So, he's leaving next month and I am faced with the heartache that that will bring for he has been such a dear friend and the person with whom I most enjoy spending time with. But he's not in love with me!

The plus side to this is that I have grown in the time we have shared and I have clearer ideas of what I do and don't want. I will take thoose with me when I am ready to set out again in the big, bad world of dating. I will also save your words to remind me of what I am looking for: someone who does love me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 4:51pm

I appreciate your love of writing! There is just one thing you said that I had to comment on:

"There are MUCH worse things to be then alone. For example, not even giving yourself a chance to ever know what it feels like to be truly loved and adored by someone you love and adore."

yes I realize there are much worse things... but not everyone gets the chance to 'be loved by someone you love'.. we have no control over that. I gave this guy a chance .. at first he wasn't the kind of 'ideal' guy I wanted, but I gave him a chance because I thought he was worth it in other ways and I realized he's amazing and I am totally open to him loving me. but if he isn't open to loving me, I can't have the opportunity you are talking about .. so I don't think everyone will have that opportunity, it happens for some and just not for others. I could keep opening my heart to guys who just don't open back all my life and have no control over it. Thats all i'm saying, and yes maybe it is pessimistic but I've not had too many good experiences what can I say. I'm waiting for the only guy I've really ever connected with to decide if he's willing to give me that chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 5:17pm

You know, I think it's great that you were able to gain something froma relationship that didn't work.

I stayed with a guy that was wonderful but not quite right for me for two years after I knew it probably wouldn't go anywhere. I don't think there's anything worng with having those types of experiences. We learnfrom them and with every one I think we get a little closer to being able to find the one that will work for a lifetime.

I look at this way. Hey, if I hadn't found the right guy until I was 60, the whole liftime commitment is certainly easier. :) That and better 10-15 years with the right guy then 30 with the wrong one.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:06pm

"I'm waiting for the only guy I've really ever connected with to decide if he's willing to give me that chance."

And in the mean time your letting countless guys who might open up to you walk right by becasue you're afraid to take a chance.

Because here I believe your wrong: "but not everyone gets the chance to 'be loved by someone you love'.. we have no control over that" We DO have control of that, by letting go of the people who don't love us back the way we need to be loved, we take control of that.

I can see I probably wont convince you, but maybe some small part of this might get through. You DO have control of your life and your choices. You can choose to be hopefully and to believe in not just love but yourself. But it is your choice.

Make no mistake if you choose to give up, if you choose to hand over control of your life to someone else, you're still responsible. Even not making a choice is making a choice, it's choosing to do nothing. It isn't his fault for not having a big enough heart or not being ready. If you don't find love it's because you CHOOSE to stop looking, because it's out there, but it isn't going to fall in your lap and you're going to have to work for it and have courage and faith for it.

True love is not for the faint of heart. It is for those brave enough to take chances on life and love and go find it. Those who CHOOSE not to believe, who CHOOSE to give up control of their fate, those people wont find it, they can't. You can't find something you don't believe in.

Love hasn't given up on you, it's not that the world is cruel and that you're not special enough to have a great love and be loved like that in return. It's because you've given up. The fact you don't believe doesn't make it any less true.

I'm sorry but I just can't see it any other way and I understand that maybe you can't either, but I sincerely hope that changes for you. I sincerely hope you find a way someday to believe love is meant for you. I remember what it is like to feel like you do, and I know it isn't fun and that it hurts just a little all the time and once in a while a lot. The only thing that fixes it is hope.

Here's hoping you find hope and faith sometime really soon. I know you've got in you, you've just misplaced it under a broken heart. :)

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