Laid It On Line.. NOW WHAT???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Laid It On Line.. NOW WHAT???
21
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 6:48pm

This weekend, I finally told him how I felt. For the past 2 years we've "been" together on and off. Here's the problem. He's a widower, and last week was the 5 year anniversary of his wife's death.

This weekend we had a long talk. I told him how I felt. Told him that if he wasn't ready to date I understood, or if he wasn't ready to date ME -- I needed to know. I am 32 and told him that I can't wait around for another 2 years for him to be ready. Even if I waited -- how would I know that it was Me that he'd want to be with.

I am 1,00000 percent head over heels for this man. He confides in me, and when we are together we have a fantastic time. When I talked to him this weekend -- I basically laid it on the line. Told him that I want to be with him, and want to actually "date".

Now I am nervous to see where and if this will go anywhere. He truly is a genuine person -- and when I asked him where he was at, he said he wanted to date and spend more time with one another -- but how long do I wait to see if that happens?

I just get so upset because I am not new to this.. it's not like this is the first person I've falled for -- but he's the first person I ever pictured myself with long term. He has every quality I've ever wanted -- and more -- and I have this amazing feeling that we really are meant to be... I know that sounds sappy -- but I have truly never felt like this before...

Any advice??? I still can't believe I actually had the courage to finally bring all this up to him. In the past, I've been afarid to push him into a committment that he was not ready for..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 6:35pm

Good God woman! Will you be my master?! And just to be clear, I don't mean that in an S&M kind of way. :-)

Your posts are awesome! I know that one self fulfilling prophecy I've held onto out of fear is "I know that I'm loveable and a good catch. I just don't think anyone else sees it." I'm working hard on getting over those kinds of defeating thoughts because I am aware that they are just that, defeating. How could I ever hope to find the things I want the most if I don't really believe they exist?

I totally appreciate you attitude of seeking out what you want and working for it. I am fed up with the cliche advice of "if you're looking for love, you'll never find it" Am I really supposed to believe that everyone who has fallen in love was just slapped right up side the head when they least expected it? I understand the difference between a healthy attitude of "I'm living my life as happily as I can yet am ready to meet someone with whom to join forces with" and the unhealthy "My real life won't begin until I find HIM". I don't want to be that girl wearing Desperation like a cheap perfume yet I also can't sit back and wait for things to "just happen." Am I wrong in taking your thoughts to mean you feel the same way? I hope not because it's far more refershing to hear that than to have my girlfriend who's happily married to her HS sweetheart "remind" me that I need to be truly happy alone before I can expect to find love. This from a girl who doesn't know the meaning of lonliness. Who has never taken the garbage out to the curb because she has a partner to do those things for her. Well, sister, if things get done for me, they are usually done BY me, so I can I catch a break from the canned advice for a minute?!

Boy, the keyboard started to burn on that little tangent!! can you tell I feel strongly on some things? Anyway, you rock and so does your insight! Thanks for sharing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:18pm

I'm sorry. I have to post this. Everytime I see you post about true love, I feel like I'm getting slapped in the face. Like my r'ship isn't good enough for anyone, because it's not like yours. I also sit here and feel like I'm wasting my life away.

I had "true love" as you describe it. You may say it's not true love because we're apart now, but true love doesn't always last forever. Sometimes they are taken due to death, sometimes we just needed more time to grow.

But all in all. Everytime I read your posts, I love that they are positive, because women need that, instead of total cynicism. And yet, I sit here feeling like I should just dump my bf and start over...because obviously, what I have isn't true love. Because what you have is.

And then I start to feel really bitchy and say, I wonder where she'll be in five years. I guess, only time will TRULY tell if they are meant to be. When she celebrates her 50th anniversary, then dammit, I will smack myself and say, wow, she was right, it was true love. And hten I think of the movie The Princess Bride. And that's what your posts remind me of. Somewhat cheesy, but could be true.

I envy you in the fact that YOU KNOW. But i've been there, and well, true love doesn't always last. it's nothing to regret, nor to ever deny, but it doesn't mean it'll always last.

so be happy in love, but remember, love is relative. Feelings are relative. What true love is to you, isn't to everyone else. And we're not settling. And we're happy. So, try to be empathetic to those that worked hard on their r'ships, and are perfectly happy with what we have. Especially if it's nothing like what you describe "love" should be like.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 7:22pm

I'm confused. How can you be "in control" and yet "put everything in faith's hands"?

I honestly believe, in order to experience true love, you have to let go of ALL control. You have to risk everything, have faith, and let go. Only then can you experience all of true love. The MOMENT you try to control anything, is the moment true love turns into something else.

I am not saying you have no choices. Everyone has choices. But if you choose to control, then that's not loving.

So............how can you control, yet put it in faith's hand?

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 12:33am

"so be happy in love, but remember, love is relative. Feelings are relative. What true love is to you, isn't to everyone else. And we're not settling. And we're happy. So, try to be empathetic to those that worked hard on their r'ships, and are perfectly happy with what we have. Especially if it's nothing like what you describe "love" should be like."

But, Pineapple girl, you said yourself that YOU aren't happy in your current relationship, that you are in fact settling, and that you will probably end up walking. So WTF are you talking about??

Nick has awesome insight and her posts are awesome. The OP who created this thread needs to hear everything that nick is telling her. This guys does NOT love her. Yet she continues to take whatever crumbs he throws her way, while not getting much in return. She needs to go find a man that does love her.

I'm like Nick: I would rather spend the rest of my life with the "love of my life" rather than someone that I settled for. Whether it lasts or not is not the point, at least I will have experienced true love in my lifetime. Living a life without true love in it is a tragedy, to say the least. And even if we don't find it, we all owe it to ourselves to seek it out.

Nick, keep posting as you always have. Your posts inspire others. You rock!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Sun, 07-10-2005 - 10:02pm

"you said yourself that YOU aren't happy in your current relationship, that you are in fact settling, and that you will probably end up walking. So WTF are you talking about??"

You're right. I never said I was talking about myself. I am talking about other women, maybe not even women on this board. Who have, in fact, worked hard at their r'ships, so it now works smoothly. Who didn't have it easy for one reason or another. AS for myself, I may walk, I may not. Right now, who knows. And those other women, are happy. They know they did the work, and they know their SO's will always be willing to work on things. But according to what was described as "true love", it's surely not that. So should we discount their love? Their r'ships? Should we tell them to just end it, or divorce, cuz who are they kidding, it's not true love?

Also, let me ask you this. If you had true love, lost it, would you then wait for it again? knowing how you had it once, and how wonderful it was, and even though it killed you to end things (or he ended it, or whatever reasons you're no longer together), would you wait for it again? Or would you take something that was second best, but never the same?

and with that thought, if you choose to wait for true love again, what if you never found it again, that no man could match what you had with your first true love? would you constantly compare all r'ships? Would you wait it out for that "easiness" of a r'ship? or would you one day, say, this guy is wonderful, i'm happy with him, and I know it's not exactly what I'd consider true love, but damned near close enough?

Somtimes, r'ships are work for some ppl (not talking about the OP), just ppl in general. Sometimes, to THEM, it's well worth it. It's still love. Who are you to tell them it's not "true love" cuz it doesn't match your idea of what true love is? And THAT is WTF I am talking about.

Everyone has different notions of true love. I've had true love, or what *I* think of true love. And lost it. It was wonderful, it almost killed me to lose him, but the r'ship I have with dbf, is 100x more real, and what ppl would call healthier. It's not perfect, just like my r'ship with my x true love wasn't perfect. But they are vastly different. Good and bad in different ways.

HOpe that made sense and answered your question. Oh well. BTW, I'm not asking Nick to stop posting. But she's done a lot of self-actualazation that MANY other women have not. And giving out advice of "waiting for true love" and describing what SHE feels is true love, sometimes, is bad advice. Why? Because, many women wait for the fairytale, and want the fairytale, but isn't that what it is sometimes? a fairytale. I guess that is what I"m trying to say. When you describe what true love is for yourself, and telling women to wait for "true love" or "the one" or whatevers, you're setting MANY women up for disappointment, cuz some women have VERY HIGH standards. I know I did.I expected a man to match everythign in my list, and trust me, I look at my list now, and it was very unreal. Many of it born from my own insecurities about myself. So, no man could ever match my list. Two men came damned close. Two were what I'd consider true love.

And now that I know what a healthy r'ship is, I wouldn't consider either one true love. mostly because I've grown as a person. and what I feel is true love now, may not be the same 10 years from now, or 20 or 30. Just like us, our idea of true love changes. and no offense to many women here, but most women in their 20's, have a very unreal idea of what true love is.

and saying "wait for true love" to everyone, seems so generalistic, mostly because what that person may think is true love, may not be what she means is true love.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 1:56am

"I expected a man to match everythign in my list, and trust me, I look at my list now, and it was very unreal. Many of it born from my own insecurities about myself. So, no man could ever match my list. Two men came damned close. Two were what I'd consider true love."

Pineapple girl, when I think of love, I'm not talking about a man to match everything on some woman's list. True love doesn't have to be "love at first site", but it's love just the same. If you fall in love with a man, and genuinely love him, then to me, that's true love. And I believe that there is more than one "the one" to go around for every woman. They just have to go out there and make themselves available to find him.

Then we have settling. Which is not love. When you settle you are not "in love" with this person, you love him like you would a trusted friend. In this situation, that person is basically a friend that you sleep with. You said yourself that you were not happy and would probably walk. That doesn't sound like the kind of love that will make a successful and happy marriage Pineapple. If one partner really loves in a relationship and the other is just settling, you are taking a chance in the long run. This was how you described your current relationship on this forum.

To answer your question: I will wait for love. I am recently divorced from a ten-year marriage, and for the most part, I settled. I did fall in love with him later on down the line. But, did I really love him? Probably not, because I hated who he was as a person.

Those who settle are taking a chance that later on down the line it will turn into love. It may turn into love, and then again, it may not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 11:17am

"Pineapple girl, when I think of love, I'm not talking about a man to match everything on some woman's list. True love doesn't have to be "love at first site", but it's love just the same. If you fall in love with a man, and genuinely love him, then to me, that's true love."

Ah, see. YOUR idea of what true love, is NOT what MY idea of what true love is. Also, saying I may not stay, in all honesty, since you don't know my past, you don't know all the ins and outs behind that. Yeah, I may say I may not stay, but even if I loved a man as you say true love is, I'd still be questioning things. I've had what you consider to be true love many times then. More than I can count, where I TRULY loved the man. And like you, I had and xh that I settled with, and the second marriage, I married for love. And so, for the third time, I want to marry for love AND for companionship AND for compatibility, AND for sex, AND for emotional reasons. So, can you blame me for making sure he's the one i want?

"You said yourself that you were not happy and would probably walk. That doesn't sound like the kind of love that will make a successful and happy marriage Pineapple. If one partner really loves in a relationship and the other is just settling, you are taking a chance in the long run. This was how you described your current relationship on this forum."

Yup, and when did I say that? Because, my feelings and wants change weekly because of my need to question everything right now. How I felt almost 4 weeks ago, is NOT how I feel today. Even my therapist knows that what I feel one week, can change, because I keep over analyzing everything (bad habit I'm trying to kick). Point is. I know you'll say, "it's not love cuz you change your mind" but in reality, you don't know me and my history well enough to make that blanket statement. If my therapist made that statement, I'd walk. Because he knows me and my history. ALL of it. But even he thinks this is a good r'ship for me. in many different ways. And I agree.

" I settled. I did fall in love with him later on down the line. But, did I really love him? Probably not, because I hated who he was as a person. "

I'm curious. How could you fall in love with someone you hated? Now THAT I would say is settling big time. With my first xh, I loved him dearly, but after we divorced, I realized I settled....not because I hated him as a person, but because I knew I needed more emotionally, than he could give me. What I settled for was a man who would have been a great husband, someone I loved, but also, someone who was closed off emotionally. With my second xh, I married him for love. Pure love. Loved eveythign about him. Still didn't work, because although the love was there, it does not and cannot conquer all.

With my dbf. I do love him. And depending on what he can do (as in fixing his issues) would determine if I would marry him or not. We have our timeline, and he knows if he can't fix himself, it's okay, but that he understands I will have to walk. Maybe to you, that's not true love. It's not "true love" to me either. But like I said, my true love and yours aren't the same. it's all subjective.

btw, true love to me, would be being with a man, just fitting and clicking. taking things slow, on your own pace, no rushing, no pushing. it's not about just knowing, but it's more about compatibility. there would be no issues to figure out, because you're both good healthy adults who've already dealt with that. it's having a deep sense of love, deep sense of intimacy. It's about him being everything I'd ever want in a man. From personality, to not doing any deal breakers on my end, to even looks. To me, true love is finding someone, who just fits you, and who you fit him. There is no working, no trying, no fixing of anything. there is no fear, no insecurity, nothing.

And now you can see why, in my life, i've had it TWICE and feel i'll prolly never find it again mostly because I will be scared, I will fear making a wrong choice, I will question the man I'm with....and if it's easy, even more reason i'll question it. because that's my insecurities.

hope that made sense. like i said, love, true love, the one, it's all subjective. your true love, to me, is just love. i'm not discounting it, it can be a GREAT love, but true love is rare in my book.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 1:48pm

You made me think about something in your post and I just thought I'd mention it.

True love for me also menas I'm in the right place in my life for true love. I don't think I could have found true love until I managed to get over most of my fears and stopped questioning my own judgement. I had to learn to trust myself first, so I could trust someone else and so I could appreciate what I found.

With that in mind I would have to say that I fell in love with Pete and discovered true love with him. The beginning took a lot of work on my part because I was dealing with all the issues you describe, but I was ready to move past those things (I'd already been working on them for years) and I found some one who not only I loved but could offer the support I needed to finally close the door on all that self-doubt.

The relationship itself wasn't hard, it was easy, natural, no pressure. It was me that was having a hard time. Once I got past that things were a piece of cake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 1:28pm

Nick, I'm not real sure I'm posting directly to you ~ but to this thread in general.

~~ Steffy ~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 7:50am

I agree with you, true love doesn't fall in your lap. I had to work really hard on myself to find it and I'm sure Pete did too. What we didn't have to do was work on each other.

We were both ready and willing to deal with the last relationships issues we had together. To me communication isn't work. Being honest and open with a person you love shouldn't be work. Sure sometimes it's not fun, but I don't think we should view that as work, that's just doing the right thing as a mature adult. The work comes in before you get there, before you reach the point where are mature enough and emotional secure enough to handle being open and honest adn vulnerable. And that's all you baby. That's not the relationship you had to work on that's just you. :)

Relationships require putitng in effort to communicate and stay connected, but that should be somethignyou wnat to do not something that you consider to be work. Or at least in my mind that's how it should be.

People as individuals struggle in relationships, but if you're both communicating honestly and openly the relationship itself wont. It's what acts as the solid fondation to get you as an individual through the hard parts, not the other way around. In my opinion that's why even when I struggled a lot personally at the beginning of my realtionship with Pete my faith in us didn't go away. Like you, I still just knew we would make it somehow I just needed to hang on and keep talking and working through and that he would be there when I was done.

We got through those last tough things together and it did bring us closer. It wasn't love at first sight or fate or just happening or "easy" per se, but it wasn't "hard" either. We didn't fight all the time. We didn't act passive agressive towards each other. We didn't fundametally distrust each other or come in packing a lifetime's worth of baggage. We just had a couple of carry ons to sort through and we were both ready to consolidate that down to one small bag.

I don't think true love is meant to be easy, becasue life isn't meant to be easy. I do think if your honest and open with each other and your willing to each take responsibility for yourself and face your own issues in a mature productive way and communicate with each other relationshiops shouldn't be all that hard either.

I'm kind of babbling, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, being honest and open and loving towards your partner shouldn't be "work". I think maybe I'm just getting caught up in the semantics of the discussion. Maybe what other people are calling "work" and things being "hard" just aren't to me.