Let it go??
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| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:22am |
Hi all!
Just wanted to get some advice! I'm experiencing a situation where I think that I have feelings for someone who's out of my reach. This guy is amazing! We're collegues; however, I'm in a subordinate postion in relation to him. He's actually been training me. He and I have really hit it off. We have a great rapport and have a lot in common. We don't really flirt...we just talk like we're good friends. He treated me to lunch and dinner. No official date, though. He always compliments me on my appearance. Anyone ever experience the "eyes"? Well, it's a look that you get and you just know that the look means something. It's not lustful, but kind of smoldering I guess. Are lustful and smoldering the same thing? :-) We always have great conversations about stuff not related to work: music, movies, books....I always enjoy talking to him.
Anyway, I say that he's out of reach b/c of the fact that we work together. His office is in another building; however, we work for the same agency and he comes to my office maybe twice a week to train me. Other than that, I may see him once a week. He's in a managerial position, but he isn't my supervisor. He kind of supervises the work that my department does...kind of...Anyway, I just don't know if it would be wise to even think of dating him. It could create conflict. Of course, I'm mature and I know how to be discreet. If I were to date him, I certainly wouldn't share that with my co-workers. It's kind of hard b/c I do like him and I don't really know how he feels. All I can go on are signs, and I know that they can be wrong. I will NEVER approach him in that way b/c I wouldn't want to make a fool of myself if he isn't interested. Also, I wouldn't want to jeopardize my job or his. I work for state gov't and while it is not stated that collegues CANNOT date, it is not advised if it could negatively affect the work environment. I don't think it would in my case.
Any opinions out there would be appreciated.
Edited 7/28/2005 9:27 am ET ET by mali2579
Edited 7/28/2005 9:29 am ET ET by mali2579

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You've pretty much answered your own question.
You're in doubt and in my book, "doubt means don't."
Mixing business and romance can get kinda sticky, esp. if things don't work out. Even if he were to pursue you, I'd still proceed with caution. Office politics and the rumor mill tend to go hand-in-hand. For that reason, I don't date men from the office because I want to keep things strictly professional. Also, who wants to deal with the downside of love in the workplace? (e.g., the discomfort of still having to see him, possibly seeing him flirt with other women, etc.)
Just my two pesos...
Heymum
Edited 7/28/2005 12:28 pm ET ET by heymum
Thank you for your input.
I think you're right. It probably isn't wise to even go there. Keeping things professional is the best way to go so as not to risk things getting out of hand. Anyway, he hasn't "made a move" and I doubt he will. So, I'm sure I don't have anything to worry about as I've already said that I won't make a move.
Thank you!
I think the day you pursue him, or otherwise date him (if he wants, etc), is when he no longer is training you. If he has to constantly, on an ongoing basis train you, I'd back off. I have had work r'ships. Some work out, some don't. It depends on the maturity of both parties, and how they could handle a possible BAD breakup.
But, if it's looked at "not a good thign to date" versus it being against the rules, I'd seriously consider not.
I know for myself, I have dated in the workplace, heck, I married a co-worker, but our agreement was that ONE of us leave, although we didn't work with each other. it was just our rule. Had we been working together, and went thru our nasty divorce, it would NOT have been a pretty site at work. AT ALL.
Ask yourself. If he cheated on you with a co-worker, that you had to work directly with, could you handle that? That's what I tell my friends. If you can't handle that, don't have a r'ship. If you can be mature about it, and move on, then go for it.
Lastly, if you do date the guy, make sure it's not an "office romance". My friend dated a guy she worked with. It was emails, IM's, sneaking around. It was all about the office. Barely outside the office. MAYBE during the weekend, but not always, cuz as he said, "we see each other all day at work".
good luck. the decision is up to you. I've btdt, so I wouldn't do it again, but obviously I have.
~pineapple_girl
Thank you for your input.
One thing that would be in my favor IF I decided to do it (if he approaches me, b/c I won't be approaching him), is that he does not work in this office. I don't see him daily. As far as the training, it is not ongoing. I'm new here, so he's been training me over the past two months. At some point, it will end. I think that I could handle a possible break-up b/c I wouldn't have to see him that often. Of course, I would take things very slowly and not even enter into a relationship with him without getting to know him. Friendship always comes first for me.
In regards to office policy, it was stated that any relationship that could keep one from performing his/her duties effectively should be avoided. In other words, if you can't work b/c you're busy emailing and calling each other, then it won't work. I think that I'm more mature than that.
I think that the biggest issue w/ me is people in the office finding out. Some of the people here are busybodies and they've ALREADY said that they notice that he and I talk a lot and seem to have a good rapport. I know how to be discreet and I don't discuss my personal life to the people here.
I guess it just boils down to maturity. Am I mature enough to handle this kind of thing? I think I am. I'm sure that he is. He's older than I am (I'm 26). If I had to guess, I'd say he's probably in his mid to late 30's.
Again, if he never approaches me, then I have nothing to worry about. I'll just move on and be the girl with a crush on her collegue. I'll NEVER, under any circumstances, let him know how I feel WITHOUT HIM MAKING THE FIRST MOVE.
Thanks again for the advice,
Mali