Little Lies Lead to Big Lies??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2005
Little Lies Lead to Big Lies??
13
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 11:20pm

Hi! I seem to be having a problem w/my fiancee. I'm wondering if I'm over-reacting or if I have a reason to be concerned. We've been dating for 4 months now & got engaged after about 1 1/2 months. I think I know him pretty well considering, but I've been catching him in little lies lately. Nothing that really matters, just petty stuff. He was on a message board once & lied about what he replied to a question. When we first started dating he had just moved into his grandparents house for a couple of months. He said they had added on a mother-in-law plan w/a kitchenette & thats where he was staying. Turns out he was just staying in the guest bedroom. I guess he lied cuz we had just started going out & didn't want me to think he was a loser. Since then he has moved in w/me. I knew he had a couple of guitars & was wondering why he hadn't brought them over. He finally brought them over one night & I asked why he hadn't brought them sooner. He told me that he had loaned them to a friend & just gotten them back. Well, the next day I was looking through some papers & found out that he had just gotten them back out of pawn. I confronted him & he said he was ashamed that he had had to pawn them & didn't want me thinking he was a loser. Said I didn't care if he had pawned them or not. That didn't matter in the least, but that lying is a huge problem & I wont be in a relationship where I'm lied to. I'm not a very trusting person & CANT STAND being lied to. If I'm lied to about something petty & minor, it makes me think that there are big things being lied about too.

So here is the most recent problem....I was feeling down yesterday & when I came back from the grocery store there was a poem for me on the dresser. He said that he wrote it for me a couple of weeks ago, but was kind of embarassed to give it to me cuz it was kind of sappy. He does write poetry, so I thought it was very sweet of him. But today I started thinking about it & it wasn't really his style of poetry. So I did a search on the internet & found the website it came from. Of course I was LIVID. I know its a little lie, but it got me doubting everything he has ever said to me. Maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe he just moved in with me to have someone to mooch off of. Maybe he doesn't have any intentions of marrying me. I know I'm being overly dramatic, he does a very good job of showing me that he loves me & he is constantly saying how he cant wait to get married & wants to get married now. But then the pessimistic side of me is wondering if hes just feeding me a line of crap.

So anyway, I called him at work (its ok for him to have personal calls at work) & mentioned that I had found "his" poem on the internet. He said "Oh yeah, it was on such & such website" & said that every so often he posts poetry on different poetry websites. So hes telling me all about this website & others that he has posted on. I asked him if he was sure he wrote this poem..he said yes. I asked him if he was sure he wrote this poem for me...he said yes. I asked him if he was sure he wrote it 3 weeks ago...he said yes. I still have him on the phone & I'm looking at this website a little more & find a FAQ section & it implicitly states that all poetry on this website was written by the author who owns the website & that people cannot submit their own poetry. So I read this to him & ask him if I'm reading this wrong. He says no. So I say, so you didn't write this. He says no. I say, so you lied to me & he says "well, you caught me". Of course we went on to his yet another conversation about how important honesty is. Blah blah blah. He says he lied about it cuz he wanted to write something romantic for me & couldn't come up w/anything. So he said this was his poem so it would seem more special.

We had a VERY long conversation & he says that he has always had a problem lying to avoid confrontation. That he has gotten a lot better about it & wouldn't lie to me again. He was actually crying (unless hes just really good about making crying noises on the phone!!) & saying that whatever I chose to do I would be justified in doing becaused he f*cked up. But, the thing that really gets me is that I said "do you swear on everything that you believe in that you're telling me the truth about this poem" & he said yes. How can I ever trust him? Does he deserve my trust? I know these are little lies, but I think where there are little lies there are bigger lies. What should I do? Is there any future? Help!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:12pm
Funny, seems like we're in the same boat!! I've got big insecurity issues & I'm always waiting for the bottom to drop out, even though things are going great. So his lieing & my trust / insecurity issues aren't a good combo :) But he has been EXTREMELY good about my insecurity problem. He is constantly reassuring me & calming my fears. Although the lies dont help things a bit!! So, if hes willing to put up w/my issues, I need to help him work through this. He knows he needs to go to counseling to dig deep & fix all of this, but he is worried he has more problems than he realizes. I dont expect things to change overnight & I know he has recognized he has a problem & has been working at it for a while now. So it looks like counseling should be the next step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:18pm

Good luck. I asked my therapist (T) if dbf should go to individual counseling. T's reply was that since I am the catalyst to him working on himself, indiv. therapy would be useless. So instead, we are working on dbf's issues while in couples therapy. And well, so far, we haven't dug deep, but I"m sure it scares him to a point. Heck, it scared ME to dig deep and see if I truly AM all screwed up.

Good luck. I hope he's willing when you are able to afford it or find a reasonable therapist.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 7:47am

Pineapple Girl brought up a really good point it's all about what you can tolerate in a relationship.

I learned I had no real problem with the little white lies as long as I felt confident he didn't lie about the important stuff and I've never caught him lying about anything big, so I just blow off the little stuff.

I think counselling would be a big help to him. It sounds like he needs to relearn how to handle a lot of the pressures life is going to through his way. Like you said he has developed soem unhealthy coping mechanisms and needs to learn new ones and that not all people are just slightly different versions of his mother and aunt and uncle.

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