Long but HELP/please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Long but HELP/please
3
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 8:29pm

I have a situation that I know a lot of people have had one time or another. I am newly single after many years after marrying my high school sweetheart. That is beside the point. Before and after my seperation...I had a friend who was just a friend at first for quite awhile. I knew when we met that we would be friends and have some kind of meaning in my life...I was right. He helped me a lot and was there for me.

Obviously...I opened up to him a little and him to me...one thing lead to another and we became intimate. The thing is that this guy claims to have had his heart broken a long time ago and said he has a hard time attaching and trusting...judging from his childhood...I don't blame him. He had it rough...but as I indicated to him...that he is grown and has total control of how he wants to live...blaming situations or others gives them or it power and nothing can or should dictate who you are and want to be. He acknowledged and I told him, "I see straight through you (& I can) and the bad boy BS, he's hiding behind that image". He conceeded and said your probably right.
He sat me down one day and asked me where I thought "we" were going and what expectations I had. I told him I didn't. I don't know what I was thinking because I am not "that" kind of a girl. I am still young and get a lot of playboy type guys hit on me and say obnoxious things and cat call, etc. It does nothing but make me mad. Somehow, I formed a strong bond with this one who claims to be one but doesn't act like one (he's not an extravert, not obnoxious like that) and has never treated me with anything but respect...that I can see. He said that we could stop anytime I wasn't comfortable and that he would be there always if I wanted to be friends. He asked if I wanted it to go somewhere and if I was in love. I would have been open to it going somewhere...maybe but out of fear and getting over a past bad relationship...of course I said no. He said he would be scared of me if I was and I essentially said after that day that I couldn't do that anymore. I said that I had a lot to work out and was going to counceling after he insisted that I go to help me or said he would drag me to one himself. He said he knew I couln't and backed off.
Ok...background over. Now it's been a year since that time and we are still friends. Granted we didn't keep in contact a whole lot at first, just a comment or a "how are you" every week and a half or two. He knows that I care about him and want him to live his life and be happy...he knows I care and I do...I know he does. He e-mails to check on me if he doesn't hear from me for more than a week becuase he knows I get quiet when something is wrong. He tells me usually via email everytime he gets or accomplishes something he knows I would be happy or proud of him for. Last time I saw him...we don't actually see each other very often....was actually about 3 months ago. At that time I went over close to him because he was showing me something and I got that dead stare feeling and looked over to see him raising his eyebrows...why, I don't know?? Guys...maybe you do?? Anyway...he gave me a small gift that he said he got for me on a trip he went on and I left..gave him a hug, (he hugged me but hesitated at first..maybe that is just the feeling I got?) at which time he said, "it's been a long time since I've seen you". I said I know and he said "call if I can help with anything else"...he was helping me with some class thing I was working on(the reason for my visit).
Here is the part that puzzles me so much. My friends say...and I don't much care what they say...I choose who I want to be friends with and would never turn away a person I care about who has never done anything but be nice and do things to help me dispite his claiming to be a playboy, I know the guy underneath the so called playboy. He's not getting me...haha...anymore, and has never attempted to since I said I couldn't go there. People tell me that we can't be friends because of our past...but we are. We have a bond somehow. That being said...he recently checked on me because he hadn't heard from me for a week...I was busy and had an issue in my life. Anyway...I told him what was up and said I was fine but when I checked on him because I hadn't heard from his the other day...I just asked a simple question though and he's an extremely busy person...I got nothing until I e-mailed again and he acted as though everything was fine. I'm so very confused as to the push pull thing we have going...pull me to make sure I'm ok and tell me what accomplishments he makes but if I go too far...he pulls back?? Why do men do this....why is he doing this??? Very confused!!!! Any thoughts?? Maybe he thinks I could fall and wouldn't want to hurt me??...when the truth is I care about him, and he knows it...if he wants to play all his life, so be it. I really just want to see him happy and keep hearing he is accomplishing his goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:27am

He's trying to keep you at a distance because he likes you as a friend, but not as a girlfriend and he wants you to know that without him actually having to say it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:51am

Yes, I'm sure your right about that. We kind of established that we could be friends. Still confuses me though when he helps me with things or checks on how I'm doing, can he maintain frienship or is he just checking on me because he thinks I'm nice. He knows I know we'll never go there, I wouldn't want to anyway...he scares me that way. But a friend I want to see do well, yep. Like I said...I'm new to this kind of thing...I was married sooo young and don't know that game if you will. Is that what some men do to say...leave me be but let me make sure you're ok here and there?

Thanks
katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:37am

Oh yes, both men and women do this.

Relationships all go through an evolution unique to them. You might have a friend for a day, or a particular season, or due to some sort of thing in common, but not all people we meet are meant to stay in our lives forever.

Think back... you might have had a fabulously best friend in high school... swore you'd always be bestest of friends... but then, over time... you lost touch, or things changed, or whatever... it's the same with men. It's especially true with someone you've been intimate with.

He's checking on you because he wants to know how you're doing. I understand that. There are some people I don't see much anymore, but I'll give them a ring now and then or send an email to say, "how're you doing?" I don't ever really make plans to see them and sometimes I don't want to... I just want to know someone is doing ok and an email now and then is all it takes.

It's ok, honey. He was really good for you at a time when you needed it. He was there for a "reason". Now you're doing well, and things have evolved. It's nothing personal - it's just the evolution of friendships sometimes.

Try not to place too much importance on just him. Cultivate friends and acquaintances and people in your life and each evolution of a friendship or relationship will make a whole lot of sense.

It's not a game, it's just the way things go. :)