long but need advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2009
long but need advice please
Fri, 07-24-2009 - 12:21pm

I left a blog in here before about choosing between your family and your boyfriend. I don't think i explained it good enough because at the time i was upset, mad, and had other feelings going along with it. i am going to try to explain it a little better now and hopefully i can get some advice. here it goes . . .

So I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business. Everyone talks about everyone and makes up lies and rumors. I though this would all stop when you left High School but on how i was wrong. I met this guy last year and he is amazing. I Met him in July, started dating August 30, and moved in by the end of September (yes this may seem fast but it felt right in my heart). He knew the problems i had in my past financially so he paid all the bills. We had a efficiency apartment but it was just enough for us because of working different work hours. I knew he had a rough past as well. we also were 13 years apart in age but, it did not bother us. Everything was great we were happy and we had so many fun times it was unreal. He was my best friend but i had a bonus he was my boyfriend too! my family loved him at the time. Well then his brother and his mom moved down to our small town and didn't have a place to stay so they stayed with us for a couple months. well his mom got an apartment and his brother wanted to stay with us so he got a job and we moved up in our apartment building to a 2 bedroom apartment. My mother hated the apartment building and never really came around too much. We went through so much together in such a short time between him loosing his job, finding another one, our car breaking down, court issues, and I was pregnant but i missed carried. we had been through so much in such a short time but after we lost the baby It hit me really hard and didn't help that i am bipolar too. I didn't feel the need to get up every morning, do my hair, put make up on, or even just really care about myself or others. they say it is not your fault but it don't stop the thoughts in your head thinking what if i did something wrong, maybe it was my fault, then i think it just wasn't the right time, it was God's way. either way it hurt and it still hurts to this day. So because i wasn't doing the things i use to be doing my family started to interfere and start blaming everything on my boyfriend which wasn't fair because it had nothing to do with him of how i was feeling it wasn't his fault. Then because of living in this small town people started saying stuff that wasn't true about him and instead of my mother believing me she believed everyone else. Yes, we did fight what couple don't and yes i would talk to my mom but i guess she heard more of the bad things then the good things which i cant blame on any body but myself. I should of been telling her both. so things kept building up and finally 3-4 weeks ago i left out of impulse i was upset we had a argument and i was wrong for leaving. I went to my moms asked if i could stay the night and then the next morning i went down to talk to him. i was there for about 3-4 hours. my mom knew where i was. So she came to the apartment building with her, my friend, her mom, and my other cousin. He was cool didn't say much because he actual did hang out with us and saw how happy i was with him. So my mother, my friend, and her mom proceed to kind of give me a intervention (that i didn't need) and i told them that we were going to take a week apart and go from there. well that was not good enough no i had to go up get my cat and my stuff and go home. then they made me choose between my family or my boyfriend. How you can make your daughter choose is beyond me and i will never do that to my child. but i did end up choosing them when i went back up and told them what their making me do he was upset and mad he went down stairs and told them that they were wrong in what they were doing and just sticking up for me. My family treats me like a little kid still and I'm so tired of it but yet i let them. I do love him and after all of this i know i am diff. In Love with him. He is my lover and my best friend, he means so much to me, he treats me good, he cleans & cooks, he is my other half, he is there emotionally and physically, he is my everything, and i hate being with out him right now. he completes me i know sounds corny but its the truth. now because of my actions he lost his job because he couldn't get there, they might be losing the apartment, & after all of that we just found out that i am pregnant again. yes he knows. I don't know what to do to show him that I'm still in love with him and i made a HUGE mistake. idk if i should just let him go? or if i should keep trying? be his friend? or what to do? Right now I'm living at home and were just friends right now but i would like more in the long run. He has no family here other then his brother who lives with him and hes a ass, his mom is out of town but she lives like 1-2 hours away as it is anyway. even if we cant work this out he said he will still be part of the baby's life.

i don't know what to do anymore? what would you do if you were in my situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 10:35am

You asked for opinions...so here it goes.

Personally it seems that you have a lot of things YOU yourself need to work on before you can maintain a relationship at this point. Your mom seems that she is doing what's best for you at this point, however you may not see it that way...but eventually you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 12:19pm

Soooooo...it sounds like you have multiple relationships to deal with in this situation. I'm going to try and keep this simple. I think you should first and foremost concentrate on yourself and make sure you are treating yourself well...fixing what needs to be fixed and living your best life.

THEN take it slowly with this guy and your family. I don't really understand why your family is not supportive of him but I think that if they saw you taking care of yourself, they would be less inclined to blame him for any of your problems. Can you date him and not live with him? And at the same time spend equal amounts of time with your family and let them see you improving your life? Maybe then both parties would be able to live in harmony and you would also benefit by making sure you are taking care of yourself too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 4:09pm


Welcome back. I think the major lesson that needs to be learned here is that once we enter adulthood and begin serious relationships that it may not be