Long but really need input please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Long but really need input please!
5
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:00pm

Well this is going to be a long message because, seriously don't ask me why I am tell you this, but I need to tell someone and if I tell my friends here, or my family every one will hate the new BF....

Any help/advice would be so much appreciated...
_____________________________________

So things have been really serious - Pretty much all of August, he stayed with me at place, we have been really close. We went to Argentina to together at the end of the month. Then he got back a week later then me from Argentina... to make a long story short, my X-husband occasionally calls me, and when he does, I put him right into my VM - then I erase the message/ number/ text message from my phone, I guess after two years, I just wish he would go away so I try and erase him from my life.... So Friday Sept. 9 - he calls and I looked at my phone and put him in my VM. My BF didn't say anything... so we go to my friends wedding on Sat. Sept. 10 - and we get home early because the BF was acting all mad by the end of the night.... So we get home and he starts grilling me about the call I got and why I get these mysterious calls on my phone, so I ended up spilling my guts to him about why I didn't want him to know about how my X is always bothering me etc... bottom line is that I am embarrassed that he won't respect me and leave me alone.... So we agreed from that point on, that we were going to be completely honest, we both asked each other if there was anything else we wanted to get off our chests.... We both said no and that was the end of it.... I didn't have any secrets, and he claimed neither did he....

So the rest of the week went really well, we felt closer than ever he stayed with me, we enjoyed each other. So we go to a wedding Saturday - Sept. 17- we had a good time, he has too sets of friends, on set of college buddies and one set of HS buddies. So this is his college buddies, that I have meet a few times and the crowd I met when we went to Minnesota for the wedding in June. Okay so we drank a lot and we end up going back to the hotel and we were hungry so we started walking around Chicago, we stayed in Greektown. We end up getting in a fight because when he drinks too much he gets really testy and sometimes mean... so I walk out of this 24 hour Gyro place and just started walking really fast.... some how I lost him.... and I got scared because he claimed a little earlier that he didn't remember where we were staying.... so I walked up and down the street going in every bar looking for him. I finally walked back to the hotel, ( I had his wallet, his cell phone, and the keys to the room). So I sat outside, and called his friend Tim to see if maybe he had heard from him. I hit the send button but for some reason, all the recent calls came up - I saw his X- girlfriends number come up three times.... (From that day Sat.) so I was like WTF..... So I called her (she lives in Miami)... We start talking and she tells me she has no idea about me, her and BF have been dating for almost two years... And they have never broke up - I ask her when the last time was that she saw him. She said she came in for the weekend of July 3 - 5!!!!!!!!! okay first of all, he went to his HS buddies wedding that weekend, and he was standing up in the wedding and told me that he didn't think I would have fun and that he asked if he could bring me but his friend said no. He also spent the night with me the night before and we were saying good bye and he said he had to go pick his friend that was coming in from Saint Louis up at the airport... YEAH RIGHT!! IT was his GF from Miami!!! He took her to the wedding..... She said they didn't have sex, and she even told me on the phone that she thought he might be gay because he wouldn't do it with her. She said they talk every day and have never broke up...... So at this point I am fuming, not as much about her as I am about the lie about July 3 - 5 - (now it makes sense why I have never met his HS buddies!!!)

I go to the hotel room thinking screw him, I hope he is sleeping on the street.... HE IS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so mad! I packed all of my stuff up and told him I never wanted to see him again, he kept saying wait you don't understand.... I see her as more of a friend, I swear nothing happened, I tried to break up with her in March, before I even met you and she cried and I felt bad for her. So I didn't want to hurt her feelings.... So I just stayed friends with her to keep her happy- I said you stupid idiot - now not only have you hurt her, but you also have hurt me... I mean I opened my house to this guy, I let him in the closest I have ever let any one in since my divorce. And the fact that the weekend before we both agreed that we have told each other everything, etc...... So he gets me to stay that night plus I really had no way of getting home...

The next day we talk and he tells me again how sorry he is but I have to understand why he did it. I guess I understand mostly but I am still really hurt, I feel so betrayed and even if he didn't have sex with her he still has deceived me since May about the whole thing...

What to do... not sure.

Sorry I had to get it out, it makes me very sad.

Thanks for listening :- )

I feel like a total fool - this is exactly what I left and now I am back to having to deal with it again... the lies are what makes me the maddest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:51pm
Wow what a mess! Well he really fuc*ed up! If I were you I wouldn't believe that whole lie about him thinking of her as only a friend. IF she was truly just a friend then why did he take her over you to the wedding. Granted his HS buddies don't know you but if this chick was only a friend then he would have gone alone and not have had to bring her. I mean it's good that he didn't hook up with her then but do you really believe he hasn't hooked up with her at all since he met you? I know that must hurt and I'm sorry but he seems to be playing dirty so I don't believe his innocense. You don't call a friend 3x a day. I mean I do but that's my best friend who is like my sister. So that right there is unacceptable. I would get a copy of his cell bill and find out how often he really does speak to this "friend" of his just to prove him wrong and for peace of mind. If you want nothing to do with somebody like you with your ex husband you cut all ties, no replies to anything. However, he acts like he didn't want to hurt her so he stayed with her PLEASE! He feeds into it b/c he cares for her as well. He said he felt bad b/c she was crying .....I would ask him if he feels bad now that you are crying as well!
You have every right to feel upset and betrayed yet again but be strong and keep your self respect. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 3:14pm

Hi there girlygirl,
He is clearly a confused person. I know that lies are always unacceptable. But there are times when people lie .. so that they dont hurt anyone. Did he have a v long relationship with his EX? My guess is that he is trying to get over her and she is not letting him go.. and meanwhile he has no nerve to tell her that he is with you. He is just trying to breakup with her slowly and in a way that doesnt hurt her much. That can be the only justification. May be they never had any attraction or compatibility but they are attached as friends due to long term and feel good talking to each other( besides she didnt know that you existed).

Iam not sure if you should blindly believe him anymore. Definitely take a break. He needs time to breakup and get over his Ex. Looks like you had a good connection with him. But he has to define his relationships and be more open to you.

Iam not sure what advice to give. I just feel that he was caught in between the two of you. Probably he loves you and has no attraction with his Ex. But he has to make things clear to her( which you have already doen by talking to her). If he has no other major issues.. and if he is extremely nice in every other way.. then you could give him a chance.

Definitely take a short break from him . He needs more time and both of you can think carefully before getting back togather.

~Dreamz~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 5:58pm
You need to dump this guy! Your entire relationship has been overshadowed by lies and deception - that is not a good start. Who flies in all the way from Miami and is just a friend and even if that is true he is not behaving like an adult which (sounds like) you have already dealt with. Don't make the same mistakes again and again - break the tie with him AND while you're at it, change your cell phone # so your ex can't bug you anymore. You can do it! BE STRONG.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 7:39pm

I'll be honest, I didn't read your message. But if you can even compose such a long message about someone you're dating, it's clear that you don't need advice from strangers but instead need to learn to communicate with this person and make your own decisions.

Okay, so I went back and skimmed. The gist is this person cheated on you and is a drunk. Move on. Really, how can you be insecure enough to think this person is somehow good for you? There are lots of fish out there so kick this loser to the curb and find yourself someone who doesn't treat you like crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:38pm
Clearly the answer would be to leave him for good. Don't ever put up with lies from anyone because if you do, the lies most likely will continue throughout the relationship. I don't care how confused he is or what excuses he comes up with as to why he can't get away from her, the bottom line is he should have been honest with you about this from the start. You never know, if he was honest with you from the beginning about her, you guys might have been able to work it out and find a solution to the problem. But I wouldn't even give him a 2nd chance after this because if a person can keep such a big secret from you then that says something about his character and his disrespect for you.