long term bf, having serious doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
long term bf, having serious doubts
15
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:11pm

I'm 23 and have been a in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for about 7 years now (and sharing an apartment together for 2).

We are basically high school sweethearts, in every sense of the word. When we met, I was 16 and he was 18 - and we were both each other's first love. We have never taken a break from each other and neither of us has ever been with anyone else.

We generally have a very safe and comfortable relationship. We enjoy each other's company and we both feel very secure in our life together (we are also doing good money wise, and have plans for a house, etc). There is no doubt in my mind that I love him and consider him my best friend, however as our relationship heads towards an even more serious commitment (the house, marriage), I'm finding I have a lot of serious doubts about our relationship.

For example, I have trouble communicating my feelings to him. We no longer make love, and sex is very infrequent. And although we do enjoy doing things together and we cuddle a lot, there seems to be little romance in our relationship (pretty much none - and it has been this way for years). In fact, a year ago he expressed to me a fear that we were just really good friends who loved each other -- but were perhaps not meant to be together as a couple. Well that has always been a big fear of mine, but we ended up making up, and I brushed it under the carpet (probably out of fear of being alone for the first in my adult life).

However, those same fears keep nagging at me. I am wondering if this relationship was really meant to be, and I am also wondering what it would be like to be with other people. I have never cheated on my boyfriend (and don't intend to), but there is also a friend of mine who I have been developing romantic feelings for lately. So now I am wondering what it all means.

On the one hand, I'm not completely satisfied and happy with my relationship... and I am having major doubts. On the other... I don't want to just throw away 7 years without giving things a chance to improve. But it just seems like we haven't been "truly close" for years -- and even though we've talked about it before, it doesn't seem to ever improve.

I really don't want to take this relationship to the next level of commitment with all of these doubts on my head. I just don't think that would be fair to either of us. Is it possible that are just really good friends/companions who are attached to each other - but not in love anymore?

- lost and confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:05pm

Let us know how things go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:50pm
Well I plan on telling him today that I want to set aside a time to talk about "us." I will let you all know how it goes... Because honestly, I can feel a similar "talk" coming from him, looming on the horizon. I think we both need for this talk to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 1:00am
I can sympathize with your feelings...I married my high school sweetheart and we were divorced 4 years later for reasons like what you are saying. As I read your msg, I felt as though I was reading my journal. Sounds like you've already made up your mind. Just know that you're not alone. So many others have had similar situations and they've all survived. I needed to find myself (which later I discovered that I'll always be discovering myself), the trick is finding the person that is heading in the same direction as you, someone that has similar interests and most importantly enjoying the path to self discovery.
I know it's scary, I know you're confused, but try to look at that chapter of your life closing on a positive note. You shared great times with your boyfriend, have memories that you can always cherish and go find yourself. Go enjoy your 20's and fall in love all over again. You never know...who's to say that you and your boyfriend won't reunite in a few years? At least then, you would be more confident with your feelings because you would know yourself better. Or, perhaps he'll remain a sweet memory to you, one that makes you smile just at the thought of it? Live for yourself and who knows where your path will take you, but the discovery is the best part! Good luck on your journey.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 12:59pm

justsurrender,
I have just one thing to add that might sum it all up: The longer you hold on, the more you lose.

Why do people hold on? In one word: Fear. Fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of having to "make it alone," fear of perhaps never finding someone better ... it all stems to fear.

So, sure ... after this many years, you are both feeling comfortable. And, you're both at a time in your lives, being young adults, that it's only natural to want to know what else is out there. I would be concerned if you weren't having doubts! Being each other's first everything ... first doesn't mean last, nor should it. How much experience, in relationships and in life, will you not be experiencing if you don't release the fear and open yourself up to everything else that's out there in store for you?

It will be very hard, to let go. But, you owe it to yourself to find out. Perhaps you'll both go your own ways and rediscover each other in due time ... perhaps not ... but, you'll never know if you can't let go and find out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:03pm
Hi and you've just stated one of my favorite quotes "Hanging on for fear of letting go". I've even written it in my journal a long time ago, so to see it again brings back the memories and how far I've come. I hope the OP takes heed, cuz there's so much in this one statement. Take care and thank you.

 

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