Looking at Other Women?
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| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:53pm |
Hey everyone! I've gotten really great feedback on so many things here, so I wanted to hear some thoughts on this.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. A little background- he's about 5 years older than I am. He is a very down to earth guy- yet many of my friends and my sisters are not sure why I am with him- soley because of how he looks. I admit, it is incredibly shallow, and I have told them that. They think he is a good looking guy (I think he's gorgeous), but think that I can get a "hotter" guy.
Anyway, whenever we are out, he is always looking at other girls. It doesn't really bother me- but the last time it happened, I was steaming and not to mention a little hurt.
We were on vacation and he was trying on a jacket in a store. I was standing right in front of him, zipping it up and seeing what parts needed to be altered at the store. We were joking around and talking as I was doing this. As I was standing right in front of him, this girl walked behind me and he literally could not take his eyes off of her. I tried to ignore it, but as I was speaking to him- he was totally ignoring me and was following this girl around the store with his eyes.
I know some people may say, get some confidence and ignore it. I really don't think I have any confidence issues. It really bothered me because this girl was wearing loads of makeup, and if her shirt came down a half an inch her whole chest would be exposed.
While we were walking around when we were away, he'd see a pretty girl and he would literally stare at her- a few times he turned his whole body around to look at a girl walking by. I noticed so many women looking at me like "how are you letting him do this." I felt horrible.
I have told him so many times in the past, that I'd really appreciate it if he refrains from doing this in front of me. I just think it's disrespectful to do when you have your girlfriend with you. If I see a gorgeous guy I won't look twice because the last thing I want to do is make him feel like I did.
Whenever I bring it up (and I brought it up after we got home from vacation) he got furious with me and said I have no reason to get mad. He said I have no right to be mad at him for that. I never told him I was mad, I just said it made me feel kind of bad.
Any suggestions? Thank you everyone!

Not to be rude, but since you've stated that you're with your Bf for the looks, maybe you need to look deeper in this kind of relationship. I don't know you or the relationship so I only go by what the info you posted. You seem not to be taking into consideration important pilars in a relationship such as respect, love and honesty. You seem to be looking at the package and that's it. It doesn't matter if this guy has values or respects you. You appear to see only his "good looks" and maybe the fact that you can get a hotter man instead.
Is it possible that you don't know this man at all? Since you've mentioned that you don't like it when he stares at other women and that he doesn't think it's a big deal and rather gets furious and tells you that you have no right to be mad at him for this reason, could it be possible that you're now seeing beyond "the shallow you" and wonder why can he do that if you've told him it is disrespectful? Perhaps it's time to see beyond the cover.
If you read a little bit closer, you can see that my friends and my sisters say I can get a guy who's better looking. I said I think he's gorgeous and a down to earth guy. At no point in my posting did I ever say I am with him because of his looks. I said it was shallow that they said that.
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In addition, I never ever said that I am with him because of his whole package! If I wasn't taking love, honesty, and respect into consideration I would never have posted this and would have never brought this up to him. It does matter that he has values and respects me, that is why I am asking for advice because I want to fix this problem.
And I'm not sure what seeing "beyond the shallow you" means. I am not in any way shallow, nor do I think I made that clear in my post.
"I have told him so many times in the past, that I'd really appreciate it if he refrains from doing this in front of me...He said I have no right to be mad at him for that."
I am sorry but it's been three years of this right? He knows how you feel. He knows and he does it anyway. He then gets angry and defensive because he knows he is continuing to something that hurts you. It's been three years of this, he IS NOT going to stop. If he was ever going to stop, it would have been the very first time you asked him to not do it so obviously oogling in front of you. You are right, it is incredibly disrespectful. Why then are you staying with a guy who does this to you? Why are you trying to change this guy, instead of finding a man who doesn't? If you want a guy who respects you enough to keep his oogling glances under control, this is NOT the guy for you. If you just can't bare to leave him because you "love him", then your only option is to quit nagging him about it and accept the reality of who he is--a disrespectful howling wolf with his eyes popped out of his head at the pretty lady walking by. It's like buying a dog and expecting it to purr. Asking it to purr. And then getting mad that you have a dog that barks instead of purrs. Get what I'm saying?
Yes, I do get what you're saying. It makes complete sense.
He hasn't been doing this all 3 years. This really started about a year ago. The first time this happened (atleast when I noticed), we were out to dinner with my family and he kept looking over at another table at this girl. My mother was furious after we left, saying that I should be the only girl he's looking at and he should consider himself lucky to have me as a girlfriend. So yea, my mother was pissed lol.
I told him how it made me feel, and he said he didn't even realize he was doing it. On our 2 yr anniversary we went to a broadway show and we were walking sort of behind this girl and I thought he kept looking at her. I politely asked him hey can you keep your eyes off of her, and he got furious and said "what girl?" "i wasn't looking at any girl, i dont even know who you are talking about."
Either I completely nitpick, or he's just a really good liar.
You're right, I definately need to make up my mind about this. Thank you :)
He did this in front of your mother???!!!! Oh man, he's really got a lot of nerve, I'll say that. All I can say about this is that I would never tolerate this from a guy. Looking is one thing, we all look discretely. Ogling, salivating, and getting whiplash is another thing entirely. It's completely disrespectful. I would dump a guy pretty fast if he did this to me because that behavior says he doesn't care about my feelings, which means he doesn't care about me, which indicates he's just in it until someone "better" comes along. And getting mad about your objection to it? What a tool.
This also reminds me of the last time a guy like your BF ogled me. His poor GF looked so miserable and unhappy, and he looked like a sleaze to me. Don't you think you could do better than him? Can you imagine spending the next 20 years with him? No? Then why spend one day more?