Loosing that feeling...are we done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
Loosing that feeling...are we done?
2
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:35pm

Hello everyone,

I am in a place where I'm not sure what I want anymore.I am in my second marriage, going on 5 years. The first year of our marriage was good, with a few hiccops, but the last 3.5 have been extremely stressful. My H was unemployed for 3.5 years, partially not his fault, but mostly was, especially after the 1st year of unemployment. And then his elderly parents moved in and....oh, what a nightmare. Once we couldn't take care of them anymore ourselves, and they moved into assisted living, I thought things would improve, but it didn't. We just went through a nasty custody battle over his 14 yr old daughter, which was the most aweful, painful thing I've ever been through.

Finally, we moved out of state so my H could start over, get his career back on track. I uprooted myself, gave up a really good job, and moved somewhere that I knew no one. We've been here for 6 months....it took H 4 months to start working. And now he has a traveling job...only home on the weekends.

SO, while our financial issues are finally settling down, since he's working again and I'm not the sole bread winner anymore, all that has happened has taken a very tough toll on me...and my H. H turned to alcohol during these hard times and is now an alcholic. Every night he is home, he drinks until he passes out. He's not abusive or anything, just a drunk. And lately, when he gets angry with me for whatever reason, when he's sober...most of the time I don't understand why he's mad at me...he threatens me with divorce and is pretty mean to mean verbally. I fight back to a certain degree, but I mostly stand there in shock at the things he says to me. Of course, after he settles down, he appologizes, but you know, appologies don't mean anything if the act is repeated.

Basically, we are in a calm right now. Him being gone has help, given me some needed space. But I find that I miss him, yet I don't look forward to him being home. Knowing that he's just going to drink the whole time is depressing to me. And I am very lonely these days.

After I've stood by him this whole time, for him to talk to me the way he does, to threaten me with divorce has really hurt me...to the point where I'm starting not to care. I'm searching for companionship elsewhere, not an affair or anything, but looking around, so to speak. When I went through my divorce with my first H, I knew I was done when I started looking around me....I was tired of the stress, the never ending stress...and I'm at that point once again. ANd I don't think H will give up drinking...he doesn't think it's a problem, even though I tell him that it is.

As I write, I'm not angry with my H, we had a good chat earlier this evening. But I don't know how long this calm will last. And an old friend from high school got in touch with me today..an old male friend, not a boyfriend, but he really liked me 15 years ago. It was obvious that he was very excited to talk with me...and you know, I was happy to talk to him too. It was nice to chat with someone who was very respectful, intelligent, SOBER, and who cares about me. My intial reaction to this friend has made me feel giddy, like a teen, something I haven't felt with H for quite a long time. SO I guess my question is, is there just too much water under the bridge for us to ever go back to being a happy couple? If he won't stop drinking, a big chink of our problems will never stop. When does one throw in the towel?

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 3:30am

Quick answer for you. One throws in the towel when the partner does not acknowledge your unhappiness and will not help rectify the problems.

Do you have any kids living with you? I'm concerned about the role modelling the two of you are providing. Not only his behaviour, but they would also see you accepting it.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 8:32am

Hi,

I know what you mean...it really bothers me that my son witnesses some of this. I try to keep him away from it, but it's near impossible. My son is 13 now. And I'm not one to take this sort of verbal manipulating, but the longer I stay, I'm becoming one of those women. I keep hoping he will snap out of it. But I know that alcoholics will pick their drink over everything. Really, I guess I know the answer...accept him for who he's become and quit whining or leave him.

It' just so hard to give up..I feel like I'm in morning for the man I married. It's very sad.