Losing my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
Losing my best friend
1
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:55am
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. (He is my first boyfriend) We broke up for about 9 months, but have been back together for the past 4 months. He is my best friend, and I love him more than anyone. I know he feels the same way. However, that's basically all we are, "best friends". We NEVER have sex. We don't kiss each other, and are not affectionate. I basically live with him, and we sleep next to each other every night. We always say we love one another, everyday. There is just no passion, and it's killing me. I need affection. I've talked to him about this and he just says he always tired (he plays hockey like 5 nights a week, and works a lot). My question is...do i stay with him? I don't think anyone will ever love me as much as he loves me. When we were not together for the 9 months, he was so mad at me. I feel like if I break up with him, I'm going to lose my best friend. But I need more, and I know I can't get it from him. Do I stay with him or risk losing my bestfriend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:14pm

Have you checked out the "clashing libidos" board on this website? I just happened to be glancing through it yesterday, and I saw posts from folks who were unhappy because their spouses rarely or never agreed to have sex. The ones I was reading were saying their spouses had been like this before they were married, either the spouses had never wanted to be physically intimate, or they had agreed to it to please their mate, but once they were married and had a child together, they stopped making any type of an effort. So I am thinking that if your boyfriend was never much into physical intimacy, most likely he will never change. Anyway, it would probably be worthwile for you to read the posts on that board, or to post there and to see what the folks on your board would say about your situation.

Well, you're the only one who can decide what you can and can't live with. But to me, this seems like quite a drastic thing to have to compromise on in a relationship. And this line, "But I need more, and I know I can't get it from him." leads me to believe that you would not be happy in the situation. If I was in your situation, I would try to see if there were ways to solve the problem such as having him see a doctor to see if there's a physical problem. Or if he does seem to really enjoy being intimate with me when he has time for it, seeing if he would be willing to compromise to find time for me in his life. Or if he used to enjoy it, but doesn't anymore, seeing if there's anything that can be done to improve the relationship and return the romance. But if none of those things worked, then I would move on and try to find somebody who could offer me everything I needed in a relationship.

We all have that fear that we won't find the right person, but for the most person, if it's what you really want and you're willing to search for it, most people do find it eventually. Of course, if you're looking to date somebody who looks just like Brad Pitt and has all his money, you're probably never going to find it. But asking for a partner who is willing to be physical with you and not settling for less is not at all an unreasonable request.