Lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Lost
3
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:08pm

At the beginning of this month, I met a guy online that lived in the area. We got along great, talking non-stop and then one day he showed up at my work. I was excited becuase he was cute, and he seemed like he was into me so we went out to dinner. We started hanging out, and by the third date, we kissed. He inititated it, and seemed into me 100%. He just ended a relationship a month earlier, and hadn't had much time to recover but he swore that he was fine and that he didn't want to pass it up. So we started dating, and before I knew it, we were seriously involved. In three weeks it felt like four months had passed. He insisted that i stay at his house, and we spent almost every night together. Then out of no where, he freaked out, and broke up with me. He said he wasn't ready for a realationship, and it hit me hard because he had up to that point, been the one that seemed totally into it. He had left me messages, notes, emails, comments everywhere saying how much he loved me. Then later, he said it freaked him out that we were saying "I love you" allready. He's two years younger than me, which makes me feel like that has something to do with it. Needless to say, we got back together but things didn't get to be the same way that they were and after another week he broke it off again. What confused me, is that after the first breakup, he said that he loved me and we made a great couple and he regretted breaking up with me. He said things would be taken slow, and we'd make it. He seemed really into me, and wrote things about how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Then two days later, he wouldn't say I love you. I was still the same way as i always was, because i thought he felt the same way. And then a week after the first breakup, he says again that he needs space and he can't take it. I'm extremly hurt and confused. He says that he thinks we'd be good in the future but the timing is off, which i kind of feel too. I keep getting the vibe though that he has lost all intrest in me romantically, and he wants to be best friends still and hang out but that's it. He tells me that he thinks we could be something in the future, but it hurts more to hear him say that and think that he may not feel that way. I am hurting immensely, because I thought we were going to be together for a long time. He's the first guy i've met so far that I felt really confident about being with, and then bam, he breaks up with me after telling me for weeks that I'm perfect and he loves us together.

What do I do? How do I react? Is he just stringing me along? How do I get over this.?

help, please..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: softunder_glow
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:45pm

I understand your confusion and hurt, but you need to take a step back here and look at the big picture. Emotionally healthy people don't jump into things so quickly like that...they realize that it takes time to get to know someone well enough to know whether you're compatible. So anytime you get someone coming on that strong, you need to think, woah, red flag.

Also, people who are in the middle of pain and confusion (like he was from his breakup) are NOT good judges of their own capabilities. It's very easy to think that you are ok when you're in the middle of grieving a relationship, and not realize until later that you are NOT ok.

Your best bet is to let him know that it's too difficult for you to be friends right now, but that if and when he ever gets to the point where he feels he is truly ready to begin a potential relationship with you, he should call you. But in the meantime, you need to move on as though that's never going to happen.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
In reply to: softunder_glow
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 2:18pm

Dear Soft,

Here is a fact about men that I think we all already know, but it's worth saying: Most men, or at least many men, lie about the real reason they are breaking up with you (at least partially). This is especially true when they give you the same old lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship", "we're moving too fast", or "I need space right now". I think he told you all three didn't he? I'm not for sure if he is lying (how could I really know), but it seems that way to me. My 3 guesses are:

1) He's found someone else and doesn't want to tell you. He says he wants to remain friends and "possibly get back together in the future", but this is only after he explores his new found "other option". (That's a painful one) This is probably the most likely of the 3 possiblilties since he gave you so many of those lame lines. Rule of thumb: The more lame breakup lines, the more likely he's found somebody else. He gave you a lot... :(

2) He's decided he's not as attracted to you as he once was. This isn't necessarily in a physical way either. Sometimes guys will spend so much time with you, so quickly, that he sees things in you he thinks he isn't going to like. Again, this is why taking things slow is such a good idea, because you can both get to know each other's true self in a more thorough way. If you go too fast many times you show each other so many bits and fragments of parts of yourself to each other that you don't get to know each other completely. Plus, another rule of thumb: The first 3 or 4 months (up to 6 months) neither of you has completely let their guard down, and is trying to put up their best self to the other, so you aren't even getting to know their true self. Not that guys are complete fakes the first several months, just that they want you to see the best stuff, and you want to believe it. Plus, I think women do plenty of this "fronting" as well. It's the story of the turtle and the hare. Slow and steady wins the boyfriend/husband!

Here's an example (albeit not a great one): If you find out that your bf doesn't like dogs at all (and doesn't like to talk about why), yet you love dogs and have 3 of them, how can you end up together? Either you have to sell off your dogs, or he has to magically start liking them, right? Well, meanwhile you are thinking the relationship is doomed, but little did you know that maybe he was attacked by a dog when he was a kid and now he's scared of them. You could work with him on it, and introduce him to some very friendly dogs, and hopefully over time he'll get over it, but who knows? That stuff takes time. Plus, he needs time away from you to sort out his feelings for you vs. his fear of dogs. I know it's a bad comparision, but I'm trying to make a point. Fast relationships can become difficult in a hurry. Plus, it's easy to jump to conclusions about your bf, to make snap judgements/assumptions, let alone learn to truly trust or love somebody that fast. It's difficult to force yourself to slow down for the sake of the relationship, but it's usually (not always, but often) a good idea to not go so fast. ***Side note: I've never understood how people can fall in love and say I love you so quick... just a personal thought/question***

3.) Lastly, as Sheri said, he might just be emotionally unstable. I think this is the least likely of the 3, but definately don't count it out. The reason I don't think it's too likely is because you didn't mention seeing any signs of it until now. Usually people like that can hide it for a little while, but it starts creeping through one way or another, and you would've picked up on it by now I think.

Anyway, IMHO I think in his mind there is no chance for you two right now, but in the future possibly. But you need to ask yourself if you want a future with a guy like that. Plus, the worst thing for you to do right now would be to wait around for him to get over his "issues"/other girl/emotional irregularity. (not that you would, just to make sure) The bottom line for you is to move on, move up, move out of the shadow of the relaionship, so you can heal and find Mr. Right one day. IMHO, this guy is not good enough for you, or at the very least not ready for where you want to go. Again, I'd move on without a glance over your shoulder.

Good Luck,
-MFG

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: softunder_glow
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 3:35pm

Just to clarify, I did NOT say he was "emotionally unstable". I said that no emotionally HEALTHY person jumps into a relationship that fast and realistically expects it to work.

Emotionally unhealthy and emotionally unSTABLE are NOT the same thing.

Sheri