Love can be the hardest thing...
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| Sat, 07-16-2005 - 3:12am |
Four months ago I met the man that is the one for me. He is smart, funny, warm, and sensitive. We are in love. Very much in love. His past is full of disappointment - women who took advantage of him, women who exploited his affection, and a father who constantly tells him he's no good. By his own admission he has very little self-esteem left and he is having great difficulty coping right now.
He has sought therapy - on his own accord - which I am very proud of him for doing. What it has done is shown him that he has to first love himself before he can adequately care for anyone else. He loves me. He wants to be with me. Right now, we are apart. He needs time to sort through things - to get a handle on who he is and who he wants to be. He needs to focus on himself and his needs for a change. After all, I've been telling him that it's ok to have needs...and it's ok to want things. I know that in my heart he will be back...that he meant what he said when he told me he loved me. He wants to spare me the pain down the road and address these issues now...today. He needs to do this journey alone - no matter what his feelings for me are. He's doing this for himself. He's doing this for us. I believe him. You might think this was a clever game poised to just dump me...and maybe I'll find out that in fact is the case...but I choose to believe.
Still, I find it difficult to have faith. I'm wavering. It's only been a day - but I needed to see him and I did. I needed him to know that things were not unhappy with us. In the words of my neighbor...I pushed. I didn't ask him to change his mind. I didn't demand anything of him - except that he listen and I wanted to set things right.
Let him come to me...that's what he said. I assured him that I would respect his wishes...that 30 minutes was all I wanted and all I asked for. I got my 30 minutes and now I am faced with the greatest leap of faith of my life. I truly feel that I have a purpose...that there was a reason for me to meet him. I feel so strongly. I don't want to allow myself to shut down...to revert to old habits. I am 28 years old..soon to be 29. I was married to a verbally abusive man for 5 years. Half way through our marriage I stopped feeling. Unhealthy...I know...BELIEVE me I know. I have talked with counselors and have worked through a lot of my issues. Still, when things become emotionally charged (whether at work or at home) I find myself relying on this technique.
I don't want to shut down because we are apart. I hate not knowing when or if he'll really come back to me. I find comfort in knowing that he's going in the right direction by talking to a therapist regularly. I just hate that this is a journey for him alone. I wish he would let me in. But I know...I know in my heart...that this is his journey and I have one of my own.
I've never taken this leap of faith before. I have never felt closer to a person in such a short time as I do with him. He's not the first man I dated since my divorce over a year ago. All the others were...*shrug* Just not who I needed. He found me. He found me at a time when I was ready. I think he wasn't ready and found me on a whim (I met him online...though we live in the same small town and he works down the street from where I live). I think he wanted to meet me - I really do - but I also think that he honestly believed I wouldn't be interested in him. That I was interested in him...and how we both felt that click so instantly (no it wasn't physical until 6 weeks of dating - about 6 or 7 dates and long conversations online and on the phone and in person)...it was too much. He realized that he wanted to do things right. That this time he didn't want any screw ups. He didn't want to mess up. He often says I deserve better to which I reply that I deserve him...and he deserves me.
So, love is hard. It's hard to let go and leave things in the hands of God...I trust that no matter what happens that I will have his friendship. He feels certain that if given enough time he will certainly be able to give it a go. He doesn't want me to run out and find someone else - I know he worries about that. God help me...I don't want anyone else.
I appreciate the opportunity to get the words out and know that I need to allow him the space he needs. Just please pray for me...that I have the patience and the strength to allow him the space he needs. It's just so hard...knowing that I am here for him to lean on and yet he feels he has to do this himself.
Call me crazy...tell me to forget it...tell me I'm an idiot...it's ok. I very well may be foolish for believing...but I would rather be optimistic than face the alternative. I'll focus on my own life for the time being and hope that in time he will find his way back to me.
Thank you for listening...
~Saff

Your post reads that you "love this man and are willing to give him time to sort his feelings, thoughts and fears". You recognize that this man needs to be alone to confront his fears and concerns and to decide what to do. You'll be his support during this time. However, you don't say anything about your needs....who will be your support during this time? Who will fulfill your needs? Given that you were in an abusive relationship for 5 years, did you seek therapy as well? If you lived in a an busive situation for 5 years you could be "looking for the same pattern in this man"..even if you say that he's different. Healing oneself from abuse may take a long time, perhaps years, to be healthy for oneslef and for future relationships.
I wonder why you got involved with this man if he has so many issues? Yes, people will have a past, but why get more involved with this man, who has a traumatic past and who can't give you waht you need? If you went to therapy I'm sure you were talked about "looking for healthy men" in your next relationships instead of men with issues to try and "save them". Think about it.
Nobody has the right to call you crazy or an idiot, only you can, as you're the one making your own desicions.
I appreciate your comments. I am not looking to "save him" or "fix him" or "change him." I have never looked at him as this crowning achievement if and when he decided to make changes for himself. When we started dating we really didn't get involved into our pasts. I told him I was divorced and that the relationship was not healthy. He told me that he had some difficult relationships where he felt his needs were neglected. We didn't get into specifics by any shape of the imagination until we'd been together as a couple for two or three months.
He broached the subject because he felt the need to do so. He is clinically depressed. He let me know this early on and explained what happened to trigger a breakdown. Now, I could have run away screaming and simply turned my back. Instead, I chose to understand what being clinically depressed meant so that I could make the decision for myself whether I wanted to continue the relationship. Because he is clinically depressed and taking medication does not mean that he is a broken or bad individual. I know you're not saying that...believe me I know. Because someone has a history and issues does not mean that they are terrible people. He and I clicked as friends. We enjoyed going to sporting events, talking about sports, joking about my political pursuasion - to say I have never laughed so much in my life would be an understatement.
It wasn't until much later when he told me about his father. I often thought that he was being sarcastic when he said things to me like: "I can hear dad now! I thought I taught you better than to fall for a girl who likes the Red Wings!" After all, my father might say something like that to me and really be kidding. I had no idea that it was the truth until we had our first misunderstanding. It was then he told me about his father. If ever there was an abusive relationship - that is one. His family prefers to tear down rather than build up. So, for him to seek therapy on his own to work through those issues so that he can be a better person for himself...for me...or for the next person that enters into his life is a good thing.
If there is one thing we do well...it's communicate. We are open with each other. We have had a lot of fun together. As for whether I'm trying to find the same problems with my BF that I did with my XDH...this man has never abused me emotionally or physically. He tells me what a wonderful person I am - how beautiful I am - how fantastic I am...whenever he gets an opportunity. His issue is that he can't look himself in the mirror every morning.
This is why...I have to give him space to figure out what he needs to figure out. I'm not under the illusion that everything will work out the way I want it to - he wants it to work out and I have no reason to distrust him. He's been honest with me every step of the way. I have a hard time believing that he would lie to me now.
So, who will take care of my needs? I have my own demons to conquer too. My biggest fear is that I'm not special enough, worth enough, or good enough for him to come back to. I've spent a lot of time working through that particular issue in the last year but that goes back farther than my marriage. I moved often as a child and my friends never seemed to care enough about me to keep in touch. It wasn't until my 10 year high school reunion that I realized that there were people who did think about me...cared enough to acknowledge me.
I shouldn't define my self-worth by someone else's standards. One thing I have learned is that I need to define who I am as well. I have to have faith. I have to have faith that if I am patient, as he has asked me to be, then he will come back to me. I have to have faith that I will be strong enough to stay the course. Who will take care of my needs? Who will support me during this break? Who will support me if this doesn't turn out the way either of us want it to turn out? I have a loving family, I have a strong education, I have three wonderful dogs, a good job, and I've found some good friends.
As to whether I have gone to therapy or will go to therapy? I have talked, read, and accepted what has happened to me in the past. I have even forgiven - hard as that was - my ex-husband for the things he has done. The only way to move forward in life is to look for the positive in all things that have happened. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through the wringer for the last 6 years.
So, why do I get involved with someone with emotional baggage? Find me a person that doesn't have a history. Find me a person that does stumble occasionally. I don't search for people to fix things or change things. Every place I have been and every person I have met has been for a reason - I firmly believe that. Sometimes I impact their lives...sometimes they impact mine.
Time will tell if I'm being foolish or if this will truly succeed. I'm not going to delude myself into waiting forever...and I certainly won't sit at on waiting on bated breath. I need to work on me...just as much as he needs to work on him. If time goes by and I don't hear from him...I will have my answer won't I?
~Saff
Saff, I just have to tell you how awesome I think you are. It sounds like you have learned a tremendous amount about yourself, life, valuing others, and how to balance your needs with the needs of the people you love. I'm a firm believer in always learning and growing in life and it's a tricky thing to find a person with the same philosophy someone who understands you wont be the same person in twenty years and wants to grow and learn and change with you.
I think it's great that you have the confidence and faith in yourself and your judgement to take a leap of faith on someone you care for. It takes an enormous amount of courage to do that, but if you can't how can you really love in the first place. Really loving someone and having faith in them and in yorself that you can make it through life together is the biggest leap of faith you can take, other then believing in a higher power.
Having taken it myself I know how hard it is, but like you I believe I have found the person it's safe to put that faith in. Like you, I'm well aware of just how devasting finding I'm wrong could be, but I've decided it's worth the risk.
"Life responds when we risk." -Rodney Smith
Good luck to you, and make sure you keep paying attention to your needs too. :)
Saffire...I am in a very similar situation to yours so I can relate to how painful this is. However, I strongly believe that timing is part of being right for each other. I also firmly believe that someone who is right for you will walk the path to emotional health WITH you, not alone (i.e., he will stay in the relationship while working on his issues). So in my situation, I am choosing to let go. Perhaps we will find our way back to each other, but I'm going to move on in the meantime, and I would urge you to do the same. If you are determined to wait for him, however (and it sounds like you are), I would urge you to set a deadline for yourself (not to be shared with him) for when you will move on. Moving on doesn't mean you are giving up hope that things will work out with this man, but rather recognizing the possibility that God's plan for you isn't what you think it is.
Sheri