Love him, but not in love with him
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Love him, but not in love with him
| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:41am |
Hi board, need some advice... this guy I've been dating is really good to me, he loves me so much. But I've never been that excited about it. I've always just been so-so about the whole thing. He tries really hard, and I've tried to be all about it and affectionate, but I just get annoyed about his ways sometimes. I don't feel a spark or very much chemistry, but I know he really cares about me and I care about him as a person. I've broken his heart once before last year because I wasn't feeling it (I thought I just wasn't over an ex) So here we are again, and I've tried to break it off gently, that there is just something missing. He cried and I hate hurting him. Then we were talking just casually, and we were getting along and even laughing. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. He knows and said there is nothing else he can do (I told him he's great and done nothing wrong) and to do what I need to do. I just don't know?? I think there should be something more there, a special feeling, some spark, something? I hate to lose a great guy and I don't know why I'm not crazy about him but i'm not. I haven't cried about this, I didn't miss him when he went away for the weekend. I actually got annoyed because he gave me flowers saying how much he would miss me???? I sound ungrateful and horrible, but I just don't feel it, I guess. Am I not trying hard enough? I was totally into the last two guys before this one ,but we broke up. Should I keep at it and hope it gets better?
Thanks, Grace
Thanks, Grace

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You know that whole band-aid metaphor? The slower you peel it off, the more it hurts?
Well, that's what you're to this guy. You're peeling the band-aid off and hurting him everyday that passes, over and over again, when you should just end it.
Just cuz he's a good guy does not, I repeat, DOES NOT mean he's the right guy for you. You WILL find another great guy, who excites you more than this one. Lacking passion/chemistry/feelings for this guy is not a good thing. I could say, you can grow passion, and chemistry, isn't always needed, however, feeling lukewarm, I doubt that'll go away, especially since it hasn't yet.
BTW, I started off just like that with my dbf. But over time, I've grown passion for him, I now feel like we click, although there's no strong chemistry there. But we just merge well. Point is, things chnaged for me. They haven't for you.
Do him, and yourself a favor. Let him go. Do not be a friend, do not stay in his life. Just let him go. Remember the saying, "if you love something, let it go". Let him go. He deserves someone who'll love him as much as he loves them.
Hugs. I know it's hard. But the more you try to save him the pain, the more it's going to hurt later........when you leave him. Because you will. Eventually you'll be so unhappy, you'll leave him. You'll have gotten tired of faking it all. And you'll leave. And he'll be so blind-sided that he'll hurt more than he is now. So, let him go.
You WILL find another good guy. Just cuz he's a good guy, doesn't means he's the right guy for you.
~pineapple_girl
your going to end up passing by what might be better for you and him by pretending to care about him, you cant date someone you only feel friendship for, if you dont want anything sexual with him then your just going to end up causing him resentment towards you because you "lied" about how you felt for too long, sometimes a month is too long when someones heart is involved. i believe you should never settle just to have somebody by your side.
you have to go through what you go through to get to where you are.
I've been in your situation before, and you just know in your heart that the relationship isn't what a "relationship" is supposed to be. you need that "za za zoo" (Sex and the City, they talk about that factor often)what is a relationship without passion? basically a friendship.
I cannot stress how much you need to do whats right for you. He will get over it, men always do, woman always do. We find a way to cope and eventually we'll be alright again. Even if it takes two years to get over the heartbreak.
My ex would cry and make me feel so incredibly guiltly when i'd try to break up with him back in the day, and now i realize it was just another way he was trying to control me. You can't make yourself fall in love with someone and you can't change the way you feel. Good luck, keep your head up! and let us know how it goes!
Thanks, I agree too with pineapple girl, excellent advice. I guess I've known that I shouldn't drag it out, but I thought the feelings would come. And I thought it did after we went on a trip together, we had a great time. Then a week later, I felt that we stopped clicking again. I guess I've had him on this roller coaster, because I want to feel strongly, and thought I was for a bit, and then I'm just not. It's so hard to hurt him :(
And when he cries and doesn't understand, I feel so bad that I can't just suck it up and be with him. It's like I could settle, and be happy, but not ever crazy inlove happy. Can that really come or grow after awhile? I see couples just oozing and can't get enough of each other, and then there is me, and it's just blah????
Well this sucks, I guess I need to cut it off and not try again. It just seems like everything is so right, and it should work, and I'm not letting it????? Doesn't make sense why I feel strong about some guys and not this one....
thanks again, Grace
Wow, you are so right! Thank you for sharing that you've been there. I need that reminder that I can't force the feelings. And it is lacking the passion for sure. It's just so hard to break his heart, because I know how that feels and he deserves something great. I just don't think I can be that for him... blah,
Thanks again, I'll just have to do it, and let him go. Will see how it goes :/
How about something like this.....
I care about you a lot. And I want, not only you to be happy, but I also want for me to be happy. I enjoy spending time with you, however, I am realizing that I am not in love with you. I could keep faking it, or keep trying, but that will only postpone the inevitable.
I know you love me so much, and I don't want to hurt you, however, I'd rather hurt you now, and go our separate ways, than to go on living a lie, to myself, and hurt you years nad years later, when potentially, we could be married, have a family, a home, etc. I could potentially destroy everything in your life....later. So I'm doing it now.
I dont know if you cna understand that, but if you can't, understand this. I have to end our r'ship, for myself. I have to do what is right for me. And what is right for me, is to let you go, and find someone who'll love you, as much as you've loved me.
That's what I'd say. It's more about you, why you are letting go, and what could happen if you dont' do it now, In case he says, "give it time". or whatevers. If he asks what he can do, say nothing. This is not about you and what you aren't doing for me, it's about me, and how I feel about us.
Good luck. NEver easy, but in the end, he may not get it, so all you can tell him is that this decision, is being made for yourself. And just say to him, if you love me, you'll let me go. easy as that. (yeah right).
hugs.
~pineapple_girl
Grace
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Be strong. Be firm. And most of all, know that this is the right thing to do, for the BOTH of you.
~pineapple_girl
Been there, just done that...
I was in your EXACT position a few months ago. I was missing that feeling (za za zoom/passion/whatever you want to call it) in my relationship. I told him pretty much what pineapplegirl suggests. I was asked why I didn't have that feeling for him. My honest answer was that simply I didn't know why not. We both deserved to be happy and I just didn't see my feelings ever changing for him. He deserves a girl who is absolutely head over heels for him and I knew that girl wasn't me.
It may be hard for him because guys tend to be "fixers" and there is nothing to fix. Either you've got "it" in the relationship or you don't.
Best of luck to you. I know this sucks, but it will be better for both of you on the other side. As a postscript to my story - I am now dating someone who I feel passionately about and I wouldn't trade it for the world!
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