love of my life- someone else's?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
love of my life- someone else's?
14
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 4:32pm
i'm in love with my high school sweetheart. we broke up (as many usually do) but he recently came back into my life. He told me that he is still in love with me, and wants to be with me, but there's a catch............he's with someone else. i told him that the only way he and i will ever rekindle what we once had is if he gets rid of the girl he's with now. he says that he doesn't want to hurt her and that he needs time to break it off. he says that they're relationship is almost gone, but he doesn't want her to hate him. i really, really love him. He's the love of my life.....but i know that it would be wrong of me to get involved with him knowign that he has a girlfriend. i already konw the answer to my question, but......... what should i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:51pm

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT until he is no longer with his girl friend. If you don't wait, people...ALL the people involved will get hurt. You will always be the other woman. And it's possible that one day you might find your self paraniod because if he cheated WITH you....what might he do TO you. Now I totally do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater, but I know it can linger in the back of your mind sometimes.

If he really is in love with you back, he will move on from his current girl. If he doesnt', theres really nothing you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:52pm

My thoughts.........

Not only WAIT for him to break up with his current gf, but also, make him take some time to be alone and get over her.

My biggest issue with this situation, besides the adultery part, is that right now, ANY WOMAN probably looks better than his gf, and he probably only remembers the good times you had and he probably fantasizes about those, instead of the reality of life.

Question, why did your r'ship end before? What do you think is different now? You can answer these to the board, or to yourself.

But I know this much. I met a great man, who I loved. And we fell in love. And then we broke up. He came back to me every single time he had a bad day or week or wasn't happy with his gf, because he would remember the good times we had, but he'd forget the bad times. He said he never stopped loving me, yet he had no problem living with his gf, and loving her too, and cheating on her (at the time, I didn't realize he had a gf, I thought he was single, so I was willing to try again). Well, in the end, he said, "I love the both of you, why can't I see both of you?" and I said, "you can gladly see the both of us, but I want to talk to her about it and set some ground rules" I said it because I KNEW he would not allow me to see her nor speak to her.

Basically, he lived in a fantasy world, that when he was talking to me, or with me, he was away from the crappy life he was leading, yet, wasn't willing to walk away.

Oh yeah, my xh did this to me too. Just a few months ago. So have other xbfs. And the thing I see that common about these men? they promise you the world, say EVERYTHING right, treat you like a queen, yet in the end, they're cheating on their spouse/gf and we're the fantasy that's sustaining them.

Seeing as how your guy doesn't have the guts to break up with his gf, cuz he doesn't want to hurt her? WHATEVERS, to me, that's a cop-out. I guess he figures, cheating isn't hurting. Promising another woman he wants to be with her, won't hurt her. Finding out that he's got plans to be with another woman, won't hurt her. But telling her he wants to break up cuz he's not happy, WILL hurt her. cop-out.

Hence, my advice. WAIT until he's single. and then do NOT date him for at least 3 months (you can hang out as friends, but nothing more). make him PROVE to you it's more than a fantasy and that he's willing to do the work, to prove to you he's trustworthy, and not just following some escape tactic dream....and you're the leading lady. he's escapeing his current r'ship, by dreaming about you.........NOT in a real sense, but in the sense that everything btwn you two will be perfectly happy. BTW, just remember, if he becomes unhappy with you, I'm sure he'll find another exgf to make him "happy" in dreamland, just like he's doing with you...............maybe.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 1:34pm

Hello and welcome, missverde!!


My advice...is GET AWAY FROM HIM!!

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 5:04pm
Leave it alone. Until you know for a fact not based on what he says that it's over and then you really need to think about it. If he would do this to her behind her back what will he do to you. I love my husband very much but we have had alot of problems and his cheating was one of them. Don't be the other women no man is worth that. Please just think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:50pm
i understand what each and everyone of you were saying. The same things have been going through my mind. I know that if he really loves me, like he claims, then he wouldn't hesitate to leave. But at the same time..............i love him SOOOOO much. He makes me feel bad everytime i say that i don't WANT to be the other woman. I KNOW that it would hurt her if she found out, because it would hurt me. I told myself that i would keep a strictly plutonic relationship with him until he left her, but everyone is telling me i shouldn't even do that. He told me that he doesn't see himself being with her much longer, but that i just need to give him time...... BUT he also said that he FEELS like he wants both of us!! (can you believe this jerk) i really don't know what to do. I haven't been talking to my friends about this, because i know how they would react. And i feel bad that i'm even entertaining the idea. It makes me feel like a slut!!!!!!!! But my feelings run so deep for him. I would give everything up just to be with him once. I know it sounds pathetic, but....................I love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:00am

BIG HUGE GIANT BRIGHT RED RIGHT THERE IN YOUR FACE FLAG! He makes you feel BAD about that??? That is nothing to feel bad about at all. He is an @ss for making you feel this way. IMHO, he is no not worth it and there are much better men out there. Does is current GF realize any of this?? Normally I do no buy "once a cheater always a cheater" but if this guy is guilt tripping you about this .... FIRST, I not entirely convinced you are the only one he's wanting to cheat on her with, so you might want to be careful because of that. SECOND, He sounds like the type who "if he'll do it with you he'll do it to you" WATCH YOUR SELF!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:47pm
this guy is a creep! i think he is just getting a cheap pleasure of having two women be all over him! if he were a prince you htink he is he would not be dragging you into his relationship with this girl, nor would he be so nasty and disrespectful to her as to discuss her with you. He would have ended everyithing and been clean when he came to you.
Dump the loser! otherwise some day he will be talking to someone else about you saying "yeah, i don' love her... never did.. i only love you, and i will get rid of her when i can. Wanna jump into my bed".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 4:39am
Hi! You don't say, how long since High School, how long were you apart? and how long has he been around this time? Who is it you're in love with? Most likely, the 'him' you knew before - have you really had the time to truly know him as he is now? For now, all you have are words and until you have actions to support those words I'd be very careful about taking it any further. Good luck.


MS
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:35am
What you are feeling is not love for him, it is dis-love for yourself. You are going to continue pursuing this realtionship until it destroys you emotionally. He is going to let you. He hasn't made a committment to you or anyone else, no matter what he is telling you. Look at his behavior if you want to see how he really feels. You need to stop seeing this man and work on your low self-esteem, so that you feel you deserve more than this lying POS. Loving someone isn't an excuse for turning your back on what you know in your heart and mind is right. You're not staying with him because you love him, you are staying because you don't have the guts to say goodbye. Being honest with yourself about your motives is a start to resolving this problem. Good luck to you.


Edited 3/22/2005 9:15 am ET ET by delilah2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:27am

Let me ask you something....


If you LOVE him like you THINK you love him, and if you feel that love is worth it all, then why DON'T you be his mistress and screw it all?


No offense to anyone, but MANY "other women" use LOVE as the biggest excuse to be with a married man, or to cheat.


So, what's stopping you from being that mistress? From ruining someone else's life? Who cares? It's LOVE!!!


If you love him, why aren't you willing to do anything and BE anything (slut, #2, mistress, whatevers) to be with him? If you are using LOVE as a reason to even consider this, then why not accept your position (#2 lover, mistress, etc), and just be with him?


Love is not a reason to do any of the above. If you are willing to lower your values in the name of love, then it's not love for yourself, nor for the other person.





my pet!

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