In love with my married friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
In love with my married friend
16
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 10:51am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 3:59pm

You stated he is married....that is a rough road you are taking.

If you want a cheat (liar) then go for it. But just remember if the tables are turned at some point you shouldn't be hurt by it. What goes around does come back around.

A relationship that is not built on a solid foundation of trust, honesty, respect will not last and an affair doesn't have any of those things. What makes either one of you sure that one or the other wouldn't cheat on each other at some point? If they do it with you they can do it to you.

I think you are "in love" with an idea you have had in your head for so long that you think it is reality...it isn't. Be prepared for the consequences that come from something like this, because there will be consequences at some point.

I hope there are no children involved with this mess. If there are you both really need to think what this will do to them, not to mention his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 5:11pm

I think you're in love with the fantasy of the road not taken. You don't fully know who he is, you know who he was but the 14 years since have changed him just as they changed you. For one, he's become a lying dishonorable cheater.


There's a saying 'when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy'. If by some miracle he did leave his wife for you, look what you got: a man who doesn't stand by and value his vows, and will cheat on you when the opportunity presents itself.


I think you should have more self respect and dignity than to be a home wrecker.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 5:50pm

It seems you can proceed expecting only one of two things: Becoming a temporary mistress of a cheater destined for heartbreak and wasting as much time as you can afford to give him, or keeping your integrity intact, moving forward, and eventually finding someone who is worth the time you are wasting on this dog.

I am sorry you are in love with him, we can't help our feelings sometimes. All animals are given the ability to succumb to their desires and impulses. But, we humans are given the ability to CHOOSE to do the right thing. And the right thing is almost always the hardest. This is a serious test for you. You can succumb to it awaiting the inevitable demise of this "relationship" or you can bite the bullet, rip off the band-aid, and rise above it due to your own free will.

I really think that you deserve better than this. Your love for him doesn't make him a better man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 10:02am

He has a daughter but not with W.


I think its rather unfair to say that I do not know him or that I am in love with a fantasy. I have been back in contact with him for over 18 months now. We chat, text or talk on the phone on a nearly daily basis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 12:39pm

Gal_myname,


Welcome to the board. I know this must be a difficult situation for you. My question is, what do you hope comes out of this? To me, right now he has the sweetest deal, a wife and a girlfriend! Why should he change anything? What if the roles were reversed, and you found out your husband has violated your vows and is out and about with another girl? If he breaks up with her to be with you, like the PP said there will be no trust between the two of you. Can you handle that?


IMO you deserve better. Don't settle for someone who is part time, who can't promise you anything or who you can't have an actual relationship with. Do you plan to continue down the path you are on with him now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 6:08pm

Im not even sure what that path is right now. I wasnt expecting things to go like this when we started talking again.


It was just friends at first. Then a little talking about the past. A little flirting. We always had boundary issue- sitting too close, or when I just sort pulled his shirt up to check out the new tattoos-things that friends normally dont do. One thing led into the next and eventually we were snuggled up talking(something else we use to do). It wasnt a sex thing that time. The next time we ended up kissing...and the rest, as they say, is history.


It was about four months or so before we crossed that final line.


I cant say that there would be no trust between us. he has always held a very special place in my heart. We have talked about that and he says the same thing.


So I have no idea where this is going to go. I might see/feel differently if it was a purely physical thing. If he was just coming to my house and getting some and then leaving, that would leave little doubt in my mind where things were. But it isnt like that. I could count on one hand the number of times that we have fooled around. I have no idea how many times we have seen each other, hung out, had lunch or drinks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 9:18pm
Don't use the "let's just see what happens" card. Take responsibility for what you're doing and be conscious of your limits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 12:26am
Don't use the "let's just see what happens" card. Take responsibility for what you're doing and be conscious of your limits.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 10:57am
I mean you're acting as though you have no control over "where this goes" and that you have to wait and see. You're a key player and vetoer in the affair decision process, sounds like you've made up your mind and if he's interested you're going to go ahead on his signal. REALLY sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 2:08pm

There is a reason 99% of relationships that start as affairs DO NOT work out in the end. Without Honesty and trust as part of a solid foundation the relationship will crumble...YOU can't have that solid foundation in an affair, he is having an affair with you so that proves he is a liar, meaning untrustworthy....like does attract like.

Cheaters are liars...if they didn't lie they couldn't get away with it. If you actually believe he wouldn't screw around on you as he is doing with you, I have some swamp land to sell. But continue on they way you are going and in a few weeks or months you will be back on the boards wondering why he lied to you and why it didn't work out. And you will have know one to blame but yourself, because YOU chose that path.

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