Love or Crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Love or Crazy?
5
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 12:00am
I dated someone for a few years before breaking it off. We recently reconciled and the relationship seems to be going well. During our time apart,this person seems to have made major changes to his living space to accomodate me, even though we were broken up during that time: installed the type of floors I offhandedly mentioned I like, painted the walls colors I suggested, etc. I'm flattered, but part of me wonders why in the world someone would go to these lengths. And if it's a sign of love or something to be concerned about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:45am

Personally, I woould proceed with caution.

The only truly bad realtionship I've ever been in was with a guy I dated and never took seriously only to have him pop back into my life five years later saying he had become a better man for me and asking would I give him another chance. I did and he turned out to be emotionally abusive, a narcist, and seriously emotionally troubled.

That's not to say that this guy is anything to the extreme that my ex was, but be careful. It isn't exactly a sign of emotional stability and well-being when someone revolves their life around you. Generally, speaking that type of person wants you to be just as dependent on them as they are on you and that is NOT a healthy thing.

If he has willingly molded himself into what he thinks is your ideal man, that smells like trouble to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 6:23pm
Thanks for your reply. I broke up with him primarily because I was moving and didn't want a LDR. Of course there were other issues, too. Basically, we left it at not now, but maybe later. He claims he stayed faithful during that time (even though I didn't expect that--wasn't sure we'd date again) and thinks I'm the girl he wants to marry (he's in his forties). Anyway, the changes to the house sort of concerned me for some reason, but maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 7:41am

I think you should trust your instincts. If alarm bells went off when you realized he'd redecorated just for you, there IS a reason for that. It may not be because he is the needy, co-dependant type, but there most definitely is a reason and you should give some thought to that before plunging forward with the relationship.

When I got back together with my ex that's exactly what happened. I ignored the alarm bells because I thought I was "making a big deal out of nothing". Your instincts telling you to hang on a minute is NOT NOTHING.

I even talked to the x about my doubts and he told me I just wasn't ready for the kind of real love he had to offer and that if I'd be more open to him I would be. Because it had been a couple of years since I had been in a serious rlationship I'd been thinking things like what he said, maybe I wasn't ready. So I went along with it, I ALLOWED him to convince me to ignore my instincts and my own good judgement.

I know maybe it's been a while since you've been serious about someone too. I know he's probably saying the things many women dream of. "I've changed for you. I've become better becasue of you because I knew I'd have to to be worthy of you." I know it sounds really good because I fell for all of it myself. I know how impossibly romantic it seems that after a years have passed he's been thinking of you and come to find you.

I also know that what motivates a person to do these things, say these things is, more often then not, desparation and fear, not love. It's an inability to move on and let go and be happy. It's an emptyness that the person thinks another can fill when the emptyness is really their lack of self-esteem. Don't be fooled by how together and confident a person might seem. Let your instincts and their actions guide you. (Narcisism actually stems from extremely low self-esteem.)

A secure person does not pine away for a lost love or morph-themselves to be what that person wants. They just don't.

Like I said, listen to those internal alarm bells, your instincts, that's NOT nothing. That's something. It's something you should listen to and something you ignore at your peril. We are after all animals with instincts that help us survive and protect us from potential threats if we listen to them. Trust yourself, don't dismiss that little voice telling you something is wrong. If it's telling you that, it's because your subconscious knows something your conscious mind doesn't yet. If my life experience has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to people my subconscious knows a LOT better then my conscious does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 4:07pm
These are all possible reasons... but I think it could also be that he picked up good ideas from you when you were together and when it came time to decorate his house he started doing those things you like by form of 'osmosis'.. if you will. Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:40pm

I totally agree with you.