In Love- or is it??
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In Love- or is it??
| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 1:52pm |
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I love him dearly. We've been in a LDR for about 1 1/2 yrs (i moved away after graduating from college). Only recently have I been asking about the marriage thing and he seems to accept and want it too. At the same time however, i just met someone. My boyfriend is nothing what I thought i'd end up with. He has a different religion(which isn't a problem, we've discussed it), backgrounds aren't alike at all, its definately opposites attracting. The guy I just met, seems to be my "perfect" guy. (or what i thought were the right qualities for a guy to have). So now, do I get to know this new guy because he has the qualities I want(ed), or do I continue in my loving relationship even though we are so different (which has yet to be a huge problem). I am 23, and my boyfriend is 28(but still in college) and i want to get married soon and he doesn't. the new guy however, would like to get married as soon as he finds " the one". the new guy has no idea i'm interested. But should I go for it? or forgo him? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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The thing with the whole if you love someone deal, in your particular situation, is that he doesn't want to be let go. You do.
I knwo it feels fuzzy and confusing to you, but from this end it seems ABUNDANTLY clear YOU want to go and explore other possibilities, you just don't want to hurt him to do it.
And oh boy can I relate to that. When I was about 24 (roughly ten years ago) I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. I developed an attraction to a guy in a class I had, we studied together my fiance knew about it. He didn't know about the attraction. I shock that off only to find I developed an atraction to our friend and ROOMMATE. Well, the first time I figured seven year itch, cold feet, not good but not a big deal. The second time I know I was just kidding myself.
Yeah, I loved him and the idea of breaking up with him and hurting him just hurt my heart like you wouldn't believe. But I also had to admit I didn't really want to marry him I just dind't want to break his heart. The thing was those were the options. Marry a man I don't want to marry one that I wasn't READY to marry or be true to myself and what was right for me and shatter his heart and very possibly loose all my friends in the process.
It sucked, it sucked so much I cried myself to sleep several nights. It took over a year to put all the guilt of it behind me. But I broke up with him. We even stayed friends for a couple of years afterward, which was nice as most of my friends were his friends as well.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy or that it's not going to suck or that self-reflection and being brutally honest with yourself isn't one of the toughest things you'll ever do, but do you really want to marry this guy or do you just not want to break his heart? Do you really want to marry THIS man or are you just excited about the idea of being married and part of a "real" couple and starting a "new life" together and maybe a family?
It's pretty obvious I think, at least to us, you don't really think THIS guy is your ideal, don't you think you deserve a shot at finding that? Don't you think he deserves to marry someone who thinks he is their ideal?
I waited 34 years to find a good match and he waited 32 years to find his. You have never seen two people more excited and blissfully happy to be marrying each other then we were two weeks ago. We couldn't wipe the grins from our faces. That's how a marriage should start!!! Not full of doubts and fears and what ifs and not with your head stuck in the sand ignoring the issues that exist. Oh and just as a side note: he wasn't at all what I thought my "ideal" would be. I didn't find him until I had given up all my preconcieved notions of what was "ideal" and just gave every nice resonably attractive guy that asked me out a chance.
Here are some things I have learned from my own experience. Hopefully they will help...
- Throughout your life you will continue to meet people you find emotionally or physically attractive. It doesn't mean they are the right ones for you.
-If you & your boyfriend are happy and you love him deeply, as you say, there is an immense amount that can be said for the fact that you two have good relationship skills and have built a solid foundation. This shouldn't be thrown away lightly.
My opinion is that by getting closer to this other person, you are only playing with fire. If you two become closer you will be risking your relationship with your boyfriend. The only way really know if this other person is someone you'd want to marry is if you had a clean break with your bf and reinvested the same time and effort into this new person as you have with your current bf. That is a HUGE risk. Unless there are issues with your relationship that make you feel unhappy, you should steer clear of this new interest
If I was in your situation, here's what I'd do...
I would tell b/f he's free to date in London. In the meantime, I would definitely flirt with the new guy. Sure, I could loose both guys in the end. So what? But hey, gotta try both of them. Perhaps I can have my cake and eat it too. Life is too short. 23 is still young to get married. I'll have fun while I still can.
Enjoy your youth! BTW, myab215's first advice was judicious. You're only 23, don't be too serious.
Silly 30-something :)
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