Is this Love or just friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Is this Love or just friendship?
6
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 5:43am

Im new to this but hoping you can all help me. Its very long im afraid so please stay with me.

Have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Im 31 and he is 37. We started off casually, he wasn't ready for anything serious as had split with his ex wife the year before and then had a brief fling which ended a couple of months before me. I accepted this and just enjoyed what I thought was also going to be a brief fling. Still, it started off pretty intense, we both stated it was exclusive and we were seeing each other about 3 times a week at home and speaking every day on the phone. After a couple of months, he invited me out with him and his friends etc and we started going out for meals etc. We then had a heart to heart and he said he was confused, he really hadnt wanted anything serious when we met but now had feelings for me but was still unsure whether he was ready to progress so to speak. I said I would take a step back and give him time to think things over but he said he didnt want this as he missed me when we were apart. Anyway we spent the whole of Xmas together, I met his mum and dad and their prospective partners and another heart to heart took place. He realised he needed to introduce me to his children as it was time(have since met them several times), he looked upon me as his girlfriend (had never used this word before) and loved my company.

BUT I now feel we are mainly just friends. All the mad passion that we had at the beginning when our relationship was mainly about sex and sexual chat does not occur as often now. We talk about his kids, work, what we've been up to. He is still affectionate, always greets me and says goodbye with a kiss on the lips, always hugs me or touches me when we are watching tv together and of course, we still have crazy sex one or two times a week but im just worried he doesnt fancy me anymore and im just a friend now.

Ive never been in a serious relationship before so im not sure what all this means. My friends say this is what a relationship is all about but im not sure. He has never said he loves me (only ever in jest) and I havent told him either though we do say I love being with you etc, and he has said he doesnt understand how he got so lucky etc etc. He also says he is more happy with his life now and feels he has moved on (which his friends and mum have all said is down to him meeting me).

I guess I just need reassuring that this is normal or if not told that he has lost interest in me and now im just a friend, nothing more. Sometimes I feel like girlfriend / boyfriend, other times i don't.

A very confused girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 7:36am

dillydrip,

Your friends are right! This is all part of a relationship. In time things change, the fire is still there, its just not a constant. Ive noticed the same thing with my guy. More of our conversations that at times were full of lust and excitement, are more centered on our daily life and our kids. Thats not to say the phone conversations still dont include that lusty feeling!! They just are less than before, but the level of attention is still there.

Just relax and enjoy what you two have!! I dont think he lost interest in you if he has included you so deeply in his life. Its a big step for most people when they introduce you to their children, and he took that step!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:55am

Thank you. Im seriously hoping this is the case. I guess because he has never said I love you, that when he isn't as affectionate as normal or we go a night without sex, thats when I start thinking maybe he just sees me as a friend.

I do know the children was a big thing for him. He never introduced them to the woman before me and always said they were his life and he didnt want a string of new partners, from him or his ex, getting to know them if they were then going to be off the scene a couple of months later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:26pm
i think all relationships move to antoher stage, sex is always major when your a new couple, sometimes your more comfortable with that than the talking sometimes talking can be more intimate especially for men, but you probably share more emotionally with him than you did in the beginning and for men that is the next step, sex is a jumping board for most males, it doesnt always have the same meaning as it does for woman. i wouldnt worry enjoy it, dont over analyze that cripples
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:36pm
I am in this same situation that you are in, and enjoy it very much. We had the talk about just being friends because he just ended a 5 year relationship and is not ready for another. I also met his kids, parents and friends. At first i was hoping for more, but after we both expressed our feelings for eachother, it clearly makes more sense. So basically we are really close firends that share everything and help each other out. I date others as he does to. Enjoy what you have, its not too often you come across someone you care for like this. But make sure you tell him how you feel. If you guys are not on the same page then its best to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:18pm
I think you've moved into

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:19pm

What I see...

He's definitely, albeit slowly, accepting you as part of his life.

Unless they're exclusively in it for physical intimacy, men will not say things they don't mean. This one's giving you several indications that he "loves" you while not offering verbal confirmation - yet. Things that are meant to be come in their own time, especially if one has so many other variables in his life that you would ultimately impact.

But you as well are entitled to know periodically where his feelings lie, as a relationship is about two people. It's very possibly hard for you - not having been in a "serious" relationship before - to gauge an apporpriate level of communication to have.

Let him continue to take initiative, try not to overwhelm him with "where are we"-type conversations, enjoy what he is able to give you today and look toward how things might be tomorrow. When you first hear "I love you", you'll know he really means it.