To love or to let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
To love or to let go?
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 1:50pm

Good afternoon, ladies! I participated heavily on the "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" message boards about a year and a half ago while ending a five-year relationship, and now I find myself here, questioning whether a new relationship is right for me. I appreciate all of your advice and kind words in advance and look forward to getting to you know all!

My situation is a little bit complicated, but then, whose isn't? Please forgive the length of this post, although I'll try to be as succinct as possible:

I met a man about a year ago after arriving in a new town with a new job. At the time, I was getting over a difficult break up and was very hurt and in no place for a relationship. This new man, whom we'll call Jack, spent hours being a spectacular friend: comforting, hanging out, listening, talking, engaging me intellectually and all around being perfect for me at this point in my life. Over time, my feelings for him developed and this "just friends" situation turned into friends with benefits. So, you may ask, where's the problem?

The problem is two-fold: First, while I know that I absolutely love Jack, I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't get the same floaty, head-over-heels feeling as I did in my five-year relationship, largely because I'm not very physically attracted to Jack and there are some religious differences that might potentially cause problems when introducing him to my family. However, I adore his personality and the way he makes me think. Secondly, and more imminently: Jack will be moving at the end of this month to a new city, about 1,000 miles away, to pursue a job.

So, the question is, do I try to pursue a long-distance, romantic relationship with this move on the horizon when I'm not even sure if I want to be dating him (that is, doing something more than friends with benefits) at all?

Wess' Website

I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 2:35pm

Hi, welcome back. It's great that you've found somebody to help you get through a rough breakup. He seems like an all-around good guy friend. However, it sounds like that is the extent of your relationship with him (right now anyway). Although it's important that a romantic partner stimulate us emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, there also has to be a physical connection/attraction.

I suggest you remain friends for now, especially since he's moving. Keep in touch, but also be sure that you're keeping an open mind and dating other people. You don't want to jump into a relationship with "Jake" when you're not 100% certain about your attraction for him and possibly jeopardize your friendship. So I'd say see what else is out there before taking the plunge with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 3:39pm


Welcome! IDK, I don't think I understand why you are thinking of pursuing a relationship with someone that you know is not good for you? If you aren't physically attracted to him and you have to many religious or cultural beliefs then what else is there? Is there a fear to be alone?

I think that coming out of any long-term relationship requires time to yourself. Not that you jumped into something right away, but are you sure that you are at the point in your life that you want to commit to someone?

If you know he's moving, are you comfortable with a long distance relationship? I know many people aren't, and I think you need to figure out if you can be okay with that or not.