MAJOR interference in our rship.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
MAJOR interference in our rship.......
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 2:46pm

my bf has a major kidney problem.

we've been together for over 3 years, but recently, as strong as i've been for him, as supportive as i have been with him, as hopeful as i am of building that future together with him that he had envisioned for us before he got the news he needs to be hospitalized, and as much as i really love him, the problems we've been thru together are taking a major toll on me... and on him completely.

i'm not a healthy person either. i have a chronic disease as well, but mine comes and goes, and i know how to control and handle my own problems without it interfering with my life. thus, in this way, we both are understanding each other. but, bc my bf has had to deal with so many changes in his life in only the span of 2 years, he's been feeling negative, hopeless, undeserving of me, depressed, and everything that comes with health problems.

like i said above, as much as i love him and help him along the way, the rest is on him. only he knows when he can feel better. i tell him the extra worry he puts on himself adds extra stress to his body, and its not good.

i just need major help here pls. i'm so bothered by all that's happened so far, i'm so annoyed he's always so negative, i'm so confused that even tho he's the greatest guy in the world in terms of loving me, i tend to feel like he's not the best for me right now in my life, and is it time for me to be selfish for once? i don't know! i can't ever leave him when he needs me the most!

i just don't know what to do about anything anymore, bc we've been thru so much and done so much already, that now i feel just as bad as he does. and i HATE it. i need to DO something! i need help. i need help to help my boyfriend...

(i wish he'd be more assertive and opportunistic about his life already. we may act the same sometimes and have the same goals in life, but our OUTLOOK on life is completely opposite, and it annoys me. i want to help him see his life differently and try and do better and be busier in his life so he won't feel bad. yknow? but as much as he heeds my advice and tries, he resorts to negativity and pessimism again.)

well, thanks for reading and replying...

Edited 3/30/2010 2:49 pm ET by emilyn85
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 4:32pm

How about finding a support group?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 03-30-2010 - 5:07pm

Emilyn, to me, the answer to your problem is in how he's dealing with his issues.

Yes, chronic health issues can take a heavy toll...but even then, we are still responsible for our own mental well being.

Your boyfriend needs to seek help for his mental health. Counselling will teach strategies to help him deal with it... and antidepressants may also help if they aren't contra-indicated with his condition.

However, if he refuses to seek help...there's nothing you can do. Except to decide if it's too much for you to live with. And it's perfectly acceptable to leave someone who *refuses* to address their mental health issues. Otherwise, you'll just get dragged down with him - and this isn't fair to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 3:48am
It seems to me like there are more issues to your relationship than just the health problem he's currently dealing with. I can understand people feeling down when they're sick and reject help for a while, but if he really feels as strong about you as you do about him, you'd think he'd let go of his ego and accept your support, eventually! 'Cause that's what his doing, he's rejecting your emotional support and your confidence that the both of you will survive this period of trials and come out of it just fine. You mentioned that you have opposite outlooks on life and that is in no way helping you... If he continues to reject your support and to bring you down and make you feel bad, without gaining anything out of it (he doesn't feel better himself for doing so), it might be worth considering to back up and focus on your own life and happiness. It might sound selfish, but it takes two for a relationship, no matter what its nature, and it sounds like, for whatever reasons, he's not accepting that. Maybe you're also feeling a bit guilty about not being able to help him as much as you'd like to, and, again, that isn't doing anything for you either.
As for advice... you can either confront him and tell him how you feel and why a change of attitude is the only thing that can save your relationship, or take a few steps back and let him deal with his emotional issues, while you take your time to consider your own options.
P.S. You can't be strong "for him". We are each responsible for our own lives. Be strong for yourself, and move on if that's what it takes to make you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 12:36pm

thanks for the replies. so it is ok to leave someone who doesn't do their part to be happier, eh? makes sense....

i guess i focused only on myself and my feelings during my post, and failed to mention that my bf does feel as strong about me as i do for him. he's told me and shown me plenty of times that he loves me more than ever, amazed at how supportive and strong i am of him and whatever... he really shows he appreciates me. he's also apologetic every time he notices how he brings me down with him when he gets sad. he worries about me and how i have to deal with this with him, that it's not fair to me, and he'll understand if i'd want to leave him. he'd be really sad, and has been really dependent on me, but he'd still understand why i'd want to leave.

its bc of recent events that he's back to feeling hopeless and depressed.

and, babylosik, i see what you mean. for a couple of days, i haven't seen him as often as i have lately. i want to be with him so he can feel better and less lonely, but at the same time, i sabotage my own responsibilities. im trying to step back from all this for a little bit and not be so involved so often. i've talked to him before that if i don't see him trying harder to turn his life around, despite his circumstances, i would leave. i don't want to, he doesn't want me to, and our love keeps us together, but in this case, we need more than love now, don't you think?

it just gets kind of confusing for me lately... at least posting this has given me better perspectives. so thanks, all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 5:25pm

Is it possible you're taking on more than you need to as far as "supporting" him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 6:44pm

Emilyn, if you get to the stage where you can't deal with his depression any longer, I'd throw an ultimatum at him: "If you want me to stay, you need to address the depression now"

You never know, it may actually jolt him into doing something about it. Then he'll be better and you won't have to leave.

Of course, he may not do anything about it....and this is the cue for you to recognise that he's not the right choice for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 11:41pm
I have had the same problems with my boyfriend. Do you feel like he has so much potential to be a happy, opportunistic, outgoing, and a positive guy but there's just something keeping him from doing that? Maybe there is something in his life that is stressing him (besides his illness). It just sounds like something needs to change, and maybe you can help him find that?