Major mixed messages!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Major mixed messages!
12
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:04pm

Okay girls,
I gotta have some help here.This guy and I are in our 40s. I've been going out on a couple dates a week for three weeks now. They have been innocent, but he's gone out of his way to look extra sharp, dust off his project car, a convertable for a ride, bring thoughtful gifts for my grade-school age son. He's brought a home cooked dinner over, introduced me to some of his best friends. He calls or emails me before bed about once very 2 or three days.

He talks a lot about his family, and also a lot what he thinks a good relationship is about, about why he would want to spend the rest of his life with someone. I never bring these subjects up. Seems a bit odd for a guy. I never get to heavy with my contributions, but I am respectful and pay attention to what he says.

Last night he hugged me good night and gave me several kisses on the face neck and lips (first physical affection between us). Not excessively moist and very gentle. Later that evening he calls and talks about how attractive and wonderful I am but he said ' I just don't know know if I am ready for a relationship." He went on to say that it wasn't like when other guys said that, I didn't know what that meant. I was agreeable on the phone, but I felt hurt and angry in the morning. Later in the day he emailed a nice thank you note and said talk to you soon and what a good son I had.

So what's up with this guy??? Is he just bashful and has cold feet? I haven't pushed about anything. Why would he talk about family and relationships fo much, and go through the ropes of dating, gift shopping, dinner preparation etc, if he wasn't ready or wanting?

Sorry for the long post, my first here.
Thanks for any suggestions/insights!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:45pm

Welcome, I am also pretty new here (check out my drama thread if you like :) )!

First off, I think you are handling the situation exceptionally well by letting him take the lead and pursue you, and for the most part he seems like he's being quite the gentleman. I think one of two things are happening.

One, he may be telling the truth. Perhaps he came on too strong too quickly and is scaring himself, so he's telling you he's going to pull back. It's probably not anything you did; rather, he probably sees that he started talking about the future really quickly and may want to take it a bit slower than that. From the sound of things, even if this is the case, I'd expect him to come around very soon and start pursuing you again.

Or, two, he's testing you to see how you react to him pulling back. Normally, I wouldn't suggest that number two would even be an option, especially if we're not talking about college-age guys or something like that, but I just had something like that happen to me with a thirty-something guy, so who knows?

I suspect number one is the situation here. My advice would be to wait him out and not get your hopes up TOO high, though it really does seem like he's into you and will be back around sooner rather than later.

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:42am

Here's a possibility... maybe he's pulling back because he's getting the impression from you that you aren't ready for a relationship.

What I heard in your post is that he's being very open and honest and sharing of himself and really putting himslef out there and allowing himself to be vulnerable and you're giving nothing back. You're letting him do all the work and just barely responding let alone reciprocating. You're letting him take all the chances and not exposing yourself at all.

That's not a mixed message. That's him finally wising up and thinking to himself, "Okay, to heck with her. I'm not going to be the only one taking a chance here."

Being chased might be fun, but it isn't much fun for the person who has to do all the chasing. After a while it just gets old.

Wise up yourself and if you really like this guy stop being aloof and let him now how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:15am

Thanks so much both of you for reading my post and for your very thoughtful replies.

I think you're both right. I had a hunch the feelings he was having were scaring himself, and I figured maybe he needed to be reassured that he could trust me. He comp[lained of a bad cold in emails yesterday, so I called him and asked how he was feeling and could I bring some soup over. He was feeling better but was so greateful for my caring attention. He emailed this morning and thanked me again and we have plans on Friday.

I think I will open up to him a little for him. I read THE RULES book, and I think this guy would just be scared off by that kind of chase. There's another book I've been looking at called WHAT MEN WANT. It seems to be pretty good and not as extreme or manipulative as RULES.
So, I can let him keep the lead, but "coach" him along the way letting him know it's okay, I think this fellowq is worth the wait.

Best wishes!
UberSilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 8:09am

The best thing you can possibly do in ANY relationship is communicate honestly and openly how you feel. That doesn't mean you have to verbalize it you can show just like you did by offering to bring him some soup.

The Rules are a bunch of garbage. The only kind of guy the Rules will catch you is a jerk. Sure he may be a hot jerk, but as soon as he gets the girl and she stops using the rules on him the balance of power shifts back to him and all she ends up left with is a jerk who loves the chase.

The Rules are about hanging on to power and real mature relationships are all about SHARING power and that requires that there be communication and that both people are invested equally and equally vulnerable.

As you just realized, sure he's scared of what he's feeling, having feelings for someone is a pretty scary thing especially when you aren't getting fedback that confirms they have feelings for you. Just keep letting him know you like him and that you appreciate him. You don't have to "coach" him your sincere actions and words will be all he needs. Just be genuine and allow your real feelings to come through.

It's a scary thing, trust me I know, I don't think I've ever been as scared as I was when I really allowed myself to be completely open and put my true feelings and true self out there where my VERY soon to be husband (this Sunday) could see them. It was the smartest thing I've ever done. We may need to be choosy about who we allow ourselves to be that vulnerable with but at some point you find someone who's worth taking the ultimately chance on.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "True love is not for the faint of heart." Love requires a lot of faith and courage, much more then I ever realized until about a year ago and, frankly, much more then I knew I had in me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 2:38pm
Thanks again.
You are all right and I appreciate your help. I'll let you know how things progress, We're supposed to meet soon and I told him that I wanted to open up some. His reply was very positive. Direct Open Honest. Very good.
You gals are the tops.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 5:16pm
Maybe what Nick was saying is true but instead of pulling away he should communicate and be honest and ask you how you feel about him or where he stands. It's not your job to read his mind. If he feels that you aren't ready for a relationship he should ask more questions about this instead of playing the game and pulling away. It's not fair to the other person involved. I think you should let him contact you and then ask him to explain himself why he came on so strong and then pulled away. If he says you weren't giving him enough reciprocation then if you like him make a little more effort on that part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 9:41am

UPDATE on my Mixed messages guy.

Thanks for all your honest opinions. This is what's been going on.
We went for a walk and we had a talk, in which I opened up, told him how great I thought he was, how I enjoy the time we spend together, how much I respect him, but how I didn't understand why he came on so strong if he isn't sure about wanting a relationship with me.

In between kisses he talked about how he was busy with some family issues, how we work at the same company (in different buildings, we see eachother about once a week) that worries him. But he kept kissing me.

Later at the picnic (that he packed) he tells me that he really likes me and that I shoudl payt attention to what he does and not what he says. On the way home, he's driving, he swings by his good friend's house because he wants to introduce me. He was really dissapointed that his friend wassn't there.

We go back to his place, fool around some, and he was very respectful off my limits, so I don't think he is just leading me on for sex. Then I left, both of us happy.

We have plans for coffee and a concert this evening. He has caller or emailed at leastonce every day, and I respond in kind.

SO I think this guy really likes me and that he's considering something more serious with me. I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm trying my best to both give him space and help him be confident and trusting of my feelings in case he's really hesitant because he's afraid of being hurt, he mentions having had his heart broken badly by other women.

Do you folks think we might have something interesting developing??
Thanks!
UberSilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 2:42pm

I just want to warn you to take it slow and be careful. He's got "family issues" and he's "worried about working together" or in the same building. Those are HUGE. I mean, so that was his explanation for why he backed off all of a sudden?

Personally, just because a guy is "respecting" you not wanting sex, I also know many men do JUST THAT so you THINK they're being respectful, when in truth, he's just trying to get in your pants.

I think what bothered me, was that you two were "talking about somethign serious" while MAKING OUT!!! What is that? It's like he's trying to entrance you with kisses so you don't hear what he's saying.

Also, yes, he wants his ACTIONS to speak louder than his words. But yet, he's already stated that he's worried about working in the same building, has family things going on, and flat out stated, he doesn't think he wants a r'ship.

If I were you, I'd just go on dating him, but pay attention to what his words are saying AND his actions. Yes, introducing you to his friends, is great. Making out while talking about soemthing serious, is NOT good. Being respectful of your wishes to not go any further, good. Telling you he's scared, and that he doesn't think he wants anything, bad. You are getting very mixed signals.

So, if you like him, show him you like him. You don't have to talk about marriage and the sort, but be open to things, or at least tell him you think it's too early to talk about certain thigns. but pay attention to everything. is he filled more with excuses and fear, or not? is he truly respectful of your body, or just waiting to get a piece before dumping you?

I see a lot of good, but also a lot of red flags. For now, keep your eyes wide open.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 4:12pm

ITA!

And I would just remind the OP of the discussion we had on this board a while back (which she may have missed)...namely, that "actions speak louder than words, EXCEPT when the words say something you don't want to hear, then you need to pay attention to the words."

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 5:10pm

Hi Inkedogmom and NorthwestWanderer.
Thanks for your thoughts. It will be interesting to see what all happens. I will take your words of caution to heart.

I'll post later tonight about what happened at our date.

Thanks!
UberSilly

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