Married in 5 months but major doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Married in 5 months but major doubts
3
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 4:08pm

Please please help even if you think you dont have good advice please say something anyways its all appreciated.

Here I am thinking the stupidest things and letting really silly things bother me about my Fh. Its happened before but now its just a nagging feeling & thought in my mind & I have such doubts about getting married. Mind you, there are some non-every-day problems in our family situations right now so there is added stress to our lives but I dont know if this is what is making me all wonky.

For example a lot of the time I dont feel physically attracted to my Fh. I sometimes picture myself with someone who looks different: taller, etc. I think fh's head is too big (I know stupid of me), and he is too short, and the thing that bothers me the most is that he is under average "down there". Now I know this makes me look horrible and I feel terrible but I dont know why I cant stop thinking about it. He also cant dance to save his life & although Im not a great dancer Im pretty decent. I want to feel excited when we dance together (fast or slow music).

There are also personality traits that bother me about him. He is so giving of himself that he actually gives up things to the extreme to help others. He thinks that being like everyone else (watching out for yourself) is being an a$$hole. but I told him that no one will watch out for you but you and that we cant give anyone anything if we dont take care of ourselves first. I know its a rare and wonderful quality but he really will just give up anything & let his own things go to the point that in my opinion its not smart because in the end he will lose. He even lost a friend because he helped his friend so much who took advantage of him and then left him without any acknowledgement, calling him or anything. This was after about a 10-15 year friendship. What bothers me the most is that he puts others before me a lot of the time.

I also feel sometimes like Im a beauty project for him. I know he loves me soo much but sometimes when he looks at me I know he is checking out my skin to see if Ive been taking care of it since I get acne. Or he will try to make suggestions to make my hair better and so on. I do complain about my hair and appreciate his suggestions but for example in the shower he will want to wash it for me and then ask if I use this or that for it but not in a loving way but rather I take it as him wanting me to be a barbie or something. We talked about this so its not the biggest problem.

I really dont want to hear that I should talk to him because I have and I understand that fully. What Im looking for is people who have been in the same boat or have the same fears. And is my man the only one who has small "parts"? Why the heck do I care about that...can you tell me if any of this is familiar with you, if your fh/so has any of the same qualities, especially if your fh is under average and you have managed to have a really great sex life and dont care about that stuff it would really help me to gain perspective.

I just want to not feel alone in this. I know I sound like an awful person but how can I stop thinking these stupid things. The wedding is coming up soon and I dont want all of these doubts. I want to wake up on our wedding day feeling happy, not sad.

We have talked about counselling and he always flat out refuses. The other night he hesitantly(to put it lightly) agreed to one counselling session if I go by myself first, but I dont know if he would really go. I have mentioned postponing the wedding but he doesnt want that because of the money we would lose & work that would go into rescheduling. I dont want to postpone but Im not sure what to do.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 5:33pm

Oh gosh, you really need to postpone the wedding...you're SO not ready to marry this man and for some valid reasons (the personality ones more than the physical, IMO, but they could all be intertwined). Yes, there will be financial repercussions, but less now than if you wait a few months (I would imagine), and certainly less than the cost of a divorce!

You need to be upfront with him about the extent of your fears, and the safest place to do that is in counseling, so whatever it takes to get him to go with you, you should do. Make an appointment with a counselor NOW and start the process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:07am
I agree with Sheri. Saving money is no reason to get married. Marriage shouldn't be for financial reasons it should be for love and compatible partnership. It sounds like you are having a lot of different doubts about this guy and you should definately postpone the wedding because marriage doesn't make issues and doubts go away it only magnifies the problems that were there to begin with. Work out the issues and THEN get married afterwards. Sometimes when your gut is telling you that you are with the wrong person that's when all the little things start popping up that start bothering you about that person. If you really love the person and know that they are right for you the physical attributes and other things that shouldn't matter so much aren't an issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:11am

>>If you really love the person and know that they are right for you the physical attributes and other things that shouldn't matter so much aren't an issue<<

I couldn't agree more. When we truly love someone, we see past physical imperfections.

Regarding the sex life, I had a wonderful lover about 20 years ago. He had a seriously small penis, (and was about a head shorter than me) but he was awesome in bed. So awesome that I still remember him fondly all these years later. While his penis was small - he made up for it with his hands, mouth and kinky attitude.

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