Marrying first boyfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Marrying first boyfriend?
7
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 8:52pm
I'm in my first real relationship (I have been on dates before) and it's been about a year. I already feel that this is it--I don't want to live without him. My mum thinks I should take a break and see other guys before I decide anything. But I don't want to see other people--I'd rather spend that time with my boyfriend. Am I missing out on something important? Or am I lucky that I found someone this wonderful without having to deal with heartbreak?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:15pm

How old are you?

What your mom is saying is that you don't have any basis for comparison...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 8:00am
My opinion is that if you have found the right person then it doesn't even matter if it is the first person you've ever dated. Now some people have a promiscuous nature and they want to go out and have sex with a lot of different people - I guess those people should keep dating until they are 35 and starting to sag and wrinkle and lose hair - but if you don't have a promiscuous nature and think you have found Mr. Right then you should go for it. You don't say how old you are - but I think people should be at least 25 before they get married because it takes a while to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:43am

From my experience - people that I know that ended up marrying their first love - tend to wonder what else was out there (of course I am talking after 15+ years of marriage) its the 'ol "the grass is greener" story. Both my H and I had been w/many others - we don't have to wonder - we know we ended up with the best!

Not to say you need to sleep w/a bunch of people first - but you might just want to date a bit - so later - on down the road - you don't have to wonder if you missed out on anything.

All that being said - my mother has never as muched as kissed another man and she and my dad are celebrating their 40th anniversary this month - so not to say it doesn't work -

Hope I showed you a little of both sides.

BT's

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 12:00pm

I almost married my high school sweetheart. He was the first man I had ever had sex with and I was a good girl and I just kind of figured that's what good girls did. We had been together about six years (all through college) when he proposed. But when he did I began to have doubts and over the next nine months those doubts culminated in me realizing that I wasn't ready to get married.

For the record, it had nothing to do with being permiscuous or wnatigntno have sex with a bunch of peoplr it's because int he seven years we speant together we both did a lot of growing andchnaging as most people do in their young adulthood and we had grown apart and weren't really compatible any more.

Sure some people get lucky and are very mature ata young age and they meet someone and they fall in love and it works out beautifully the very first time around. But most people don't. Your Mom is just afriad for you. Maybe she married her first love and she thinks she might have made a better choice. Maybe she dated a lot and made a greta choice and knows it and is afraid that if you don't have the same experience you'll miss out.

Ultimately it's your choice and you'll have to live with the consequences. So give the next 5-10 years of your life a lot of thought. Consider living with him a while before you get engaged or at least consider what it might be like.

Being in love is greta but it's also great at clouding our judgement so just be sure you've given it a lot of carefull thought before you decide anything. There are lots of questions about kids, religion, money, change, moving, lifestyle, spending habbits... you need answers to before you'll know if you're compatible.

Just be sure you're following your good sense as well as your heart.

Oh and don't let someone who is judgemental convince you that if you want to go out with a few more guys before you decide who to spend your life with that makes you some sort og horny harlet who will end up alone and desparate with saggy breasts.

I just got married last month. I'm 34. And yes I slept with a few guys and that worked out for me. I found a wonderful man who absolutely adores me and I adore him and we've had all of four fights in our entire 20 month relationship. Because we really are great together. Oh and for the record I'm a DD and my breats don't droop at all and I get mistaken for my 20s all the time. So you will not become a dried up prune by waiting a little longer, promise. :)

Just think things through and do what you think is the right choice for you and then try make the best of everything no matter what. A positive, can't keep me down attitude will see you through anything, given a little time and patience and some hard work. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 4:09pm

<< I guess those people should keep dating until they are 35 and starting to sag and wrinkle and lose hair >>

LMAO! Gosh, I didn't know that 35 was the barometer for when people start to sag, wrinkle and lose their hair. (let's see, I'm 35 and all of my friends are in their 30s or 40s, and we're not saggy or wrinkly). Quite frankly, 30s are fantastic and I wouldn't trade being 25 again for anything (plus, I look and feel much better about myself now than I did 10 years ago, that's for sure ... still get carded sometimes too!)

<< but if you don't have a promiscuous nature and think you have found Mr. Right then you should go for it.>>

I'd agree, that if you've found Mr. Right, go for it! But, dating until you're 35 doesn't mean a person has a promiscious nature and just wants to "date around." It could just mean that person hasn't found the RIGHT person yet, and is willing to "hold out" for it (quite the opposite of promiscious). It can also mean that person has spent time in relationships with Mr. Wrong or Mr. Not Right Now. A lot of people spend precious years in relationships that just aren't going to result in the long term, thereby limiting their future options. It's just live and learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 4:24pm

<< Am I missing out on something important? Or am I lucky that I found someone this wonderful without having to deal with heartbreak? >>

I have to ask, how old are you? How old is he? What is his relationship history compared to yours? And, most importantly, how does HE feel about marriage? (if he's not on the same page in wanting to marry you too, then all things considered, the "marrying your first BF" question is a moot point).

Could you be missing out on something important? YES! You could be missing out on many experiences that will help you grow and shape you as a person. I'd agree with the other poster who said that your mom's concerns is just that you haven't had a basis of comparison, and I do agree that is something that you owe yourself.

On the other hand, are you lucky to have found something wonderful without the heartache? SURE! It's great to feel "lucky in love." But, without the basis of comparison, it's hard to know for sure that this is the RIGHT thing for you. "Young love" is often more about the feelings and illusion of love, and sometimes it works, but it also has to be based on facts, reality, with both people's feet planted firmly on the ground (ie, common goals, values, priorities in life).

I'd also say, in terms of what's important, it's also very important ... for your growth as an invidual ... aside from the relationship ... to achieve a certain level of self-sufficiency and self-reliance.

Committment aside, moving in with him or living together should only be considered if and when you have ALREADY made it on your own. Otherwise, you could find yourself in a position of depending on him. And, I don't mean financially or superficially ... I mean depending on him for your identity, rather than having already defined your individuality.

Take some serious consideration to what your mom is saying ... our parents are wiser than we think! ha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:31am

Moving in together before marriage is bad advice. This is just a "easy way" for people to test out what being married is like, and statistics everywhere suggest this is not a good idea no matter what you're trying to prove.

That said, I think your doubts are normal. I'm with my very first "real" boyfriend too, I did date before we got together- we're going on 3 years, and I love him to death. We laugh so hard we cry and we have the same goals in life. Just because you date other people isn't necessarily going to mean you'll know if he's the one or not. Some questions you should ask yourself are; do we both want the same things in life? Do we have the same values? Will he treat me right? Do I respect him? Does he respect me? Do you bring out the best in each other? Is he your best friend? Sometimes the most exciting and attractive person makes the worst life partner.

If you're young, I wouldn't make any long-term plans. Other posters are right, you change a lot in your early adulthood and the person you are in 5 years might be someone completely different. Either you will grow together or grow apart...So stop worrying so much and enjoy what's happening right now!! Someday you'll just know for sure and you won't care what anyone else says, or you'll know that your time spent together wasn't meant to be for the rest of your lives.