Maybe I'm just damaged goods...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Maybe I'm just damaged goods...
11
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 3:01pm
I hope that someone can give me advice, as I am very unsure of how to handle this situation.
I am in a May/Dec relationship (I'm 41, he is 29). We have been dating for 5 months now and have suddenly hit a wall. Here is the thing...He has never had a serious relationship, so it’s all new to him. I, on the other hand was married 15+ years and had 2 relationships of a serious nature in the almost 5 years since my divorce, both had very unhappy endings and left me a rather gun-shy towards dating and men in general. So...enter my new guy...I have struggled a bit with the age difference and told him when we first began dating that if he wanted to date someone else, closer to his age, it was ok with me. He told me at that time he had plans to take a young co-worker to a country music concert in August, I was unfazed, and told him to have fun.
Now...4 months later, he springs on me that he is going out with same co-worker to celebrate her 21st birthday. Well...It hit me hard...I was hurt, jealous, angry...all the things I didn’t want to be. I told him I wouldn’t ask him not to go, but it was hurtful to me that he wanted too, as I really thought we were building something good. He says they are just friends, and I said he could go and I should be ok with it. To add insult to injury this girl is not only 20 years younger, she is tall, thin and brunette, everything I not, I am petite, curvy and blonde...so I am wondering how he is even interested in the both of us. I have been the one who stood by him in the last few months while he was broke, took him to work every day when his car was down, oh yea and slept with him, so I’m wondering where is the loyalty. He has hardly ever taken me on a real date (he had money problems for a bit) so I feel like he dropped a cool $100 for concert tickets on someone who has done nothing to help him, it doesn’t seem right. I know alot of this is MY baggage...maybe I won’t ever be able to trust another man, most have disappointed me, but I am determined to NEVER be hurt again.
I don’t want to end it, he is a good guy and I get along great with his family but I think it a mistake to become emotionally invested in a relationship where the man is actively seeking someone or something else. My daughter says I over analyze everything, and she is probably right, but that is my nature. Should I cut and run or let him take this "friend" out, even though he knows I don’t want him to/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:07pm

"I know alot of this is MY baggage..."

You kind of said it all. It is your baggage. If he's never given you a reason to disstrust him then the trust thing is YOUR issue to deal with. Ask for his support and understanding but it's not fair to make him pay for YOUR past. Trust me I know about his because I had to do EXACTLY what I'm asking you to do when I started seeing my fiance.

"maybe I won’t ever be able to trust another man"

It's totally up to you whether you are ever able to trust a man again. Trust is something you give someone when you feel the are worth it, but it's not something anyone can "earn". There is no trustworthiness check list. You have to decide to give it every single time.

"most have disappointed me"

Yup, and guess what, reality-check, they're going to keep doing it. People who love you are human. They are GOING to screw up and they are going to hurt you even betray you. AND you're going to hurt them too. That's just life.

"but I am determined to NEVER be hurt again."

And that will mean you will spend the rest of your life very, very lonely. Because the only way to NEVER be hurt is to never love and never care.

"My daughter says I over analyze everything, and she is probably right, but that is my nature."

Your daughter is right, I wonder where she got it from, proabably from her Mom BEFORE she got so jaded. :) It doens't have to be your nature if you don't want it to be. Using your brian to analyze things is GREAT, but it can't be your only tool. You have to use your intuition TOO. Because at times your brain is subconsciencely controlled by fear and at those times if it is okay to trust that person your intuitiion will tell you so. You just have to learn to trust yourself again. It's tough but it can be done. I'm living proof of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:30pm

I got a different feeling from the post. Although I agree with everything that was replied, I was thinking initially that this guy is kinda using you. I mean, what does he offer you? Not stability or real dates, or a substantial relationship. If you were a couple, wouldn't he take you? You do alot for him, and it's easy for him to keep sleeping with you. YOU ARE NOT DAMAGED GOODS! Never think of yourself like that. C'mon and pick up your self-esteem, You don't need to date this younger man or be jealous of this girl. I know you like this guy, but he's not giving you a whole lot. You don't expect very much from him, and maybe you should. If it is a relationship you want from him, than tell him. It doesn't sound like you are exclusive, and because you think you are too old and not pretty enough, that you should sit by while he *dates* this other girl. You deserve better than that! So you have had alot of bad apples, that doesn't mean you take whatever comes around. YOu need a man that you can feel good about yourself when you are with him, and feel beautiful, and number one.

I'm sorry, I'm just not so sure about this guy and his real intentions with you.
Hugs , best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:38pm

"I have struggled a bit with the age difference and told him when we first began dating that if he wanted to date someone else, closer to his age, it was ok with me."

**Never say things you don't actually mean, because most men, WILL take you up on your offer. Also, saying that, flat out told him that you're not his gf, there is nothign exclusive about you two, and if anything, you're just a FWB (friend w/benefits aka sex only).

"she is tall, thin and brunette, everything I not, I am petite, curvy and blonde...so I am wondering how he is even interested in the both of us. "

**What does being tall, think or whatevers have ANYTHING to do with being interested in someone. MANY of the men I have dated, have told me I was a first. Because I'm asian, short, and kinda chunky. My xh, dated women who weighed no more than 110lbs all tiny asian women from asia. My bf dated women who were anerexic. not really, but one was 80lbs the other was 100lbs. Me. I'm short, I'm asian, I weight a HELLUVA lot more than them. YOu do realize, people CAN like others for their PERSONALITY right, and never see the physical? My xh honestly told me he might have a problem dating me, cuz i'm overweight. that's fine. but he took one look at me, and loved every spare inch on me. point is. i was NOT his norm. nothing at all. but he loved me, cuz of my personality and heart. NOT cuz of my looks.

"I have been the one who stood by him in the last few months while he was broke, took him to work every day when his car was down, oh yea and slept with him, so I’m wondering where is the loyalty."

**Being his suger-mama w/o any exclusivity doesn't equate loyalty. You gave him YOUR loyalty, however, you told him he didn't have to give you his. And he didn't, or he is, and you're just too jealous to see that. I don't know, as he's not here to share his side. Don't expect loyalty from someone you told doesn't have to give it to you.

I don't want to sound mean, but I"m goign to ask/tell this point blank. Your ideas of what loyalty, love, relationship are, are all wrong. Also remember, in every r'ship, there is only ONE common denominator, that being you. So it's time to look inside yourself and say, why am I giving myself to men who don't want me? Why am I handing my heart out on a platter and in the same breath, telling them it's okay to date others. Why am I comparing myself physically to a 20-year-old? If he likes her for her personality, fine. But it's not about your age nor your skin. Why did I give him money, when obviously he has money? Why did I take him to work everyday? Why am I acting more like his mother, than a girlfriend or love interest? Why am I settling to be a sugar mama (for money and sex) while he's out dating other women? Why did I allow that? WHY?!?!?!

it's time for some deep soul searching. and also, while you're doing that, find out what love TRULY is and what a HEALTHY r'ship is (btw, i'm doing that right now, so i can tell you it's not easy, and what you see as "healthy" isn't.)

ETA: YOu are NOT damaged goods. You are just a bit broken and you need some good glue to fix you right up. That's how I see myself. Just needing glue. And that glue is knowledge of what is healthy, what is right, setting boundaries, and living my life as *I* want it to be, instead of living it reactively (like reacting to yoru r'ship), instead of proactively (making sure it's exclusive before you are hurt cuz he's seeing ppl). Things like that CAN be learned. you just need to re-learn :)




Edited 5/25/2005 4:50 pm ET ET by pineapple_girl

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:42pm

personally, i think that you are overreacting a little bit. is he going out alone with this girl to celebrate her b-day or is it a group? also, what makes you think that he is actively seeking someone out just because he is friends with this chick--keep in mind that this is someone that he was friends with before you came along. does he try to hide you from her?

make sure you have all the facts right before you react. even if he is head-over-hills for you, your jealousy/insecurities will push him away. i've been there before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:45pm

I pretty much agree, this may not be the RIGHT guy to love.

I guess I jumped in where I did because I hate to see people giving up on love. It's out there for anyone brave enough to keep looking and risking. But love is NOT for the faint of heart.

And I BIG second to the stop witht the negative self-talk. Even if we do all have those thoughts some time. Smart policy to follow. NEVER ever, ever, voice them (well, at least REALLY try not to) and NEVER, ever, ever, ever WRITE THEM down. It gives them solidity and makes them seem more real and true.

As a matter of fact it would probably be smart to try to WRITE down one great thing about yourself for every negative thought you have, two for everything you say and five for everything you write. I'm thinking that would be a great way for the OP to start getting back to her old self-confident fabulous self.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:50pm

Hi smartblonde1019,

Please don't think of yourself as "damaged goods". I'm sure you have had your share of valuable life experience in relationships but that doesn't mean you are "damaged"! The only way you might remotely be "damaged" would be if you were still bitter or angry over the past issues and relationships in your life. As long as you have learned and grown from the problems in my mind you are "prime" goods. You have the best of both worlds, the experience and a heart willing to try and love again.

From what you wrote this guy sounds a little selfish and doesn't seem to care how you feel. He seems to see you as a mother figure not a girlfriend. The fact that he doesn't want to take you out and lets you bail him out of trouble without offering to give anything back gives me a pretty clear picture of his real character.

Also, are you exclusive or just dating? If you are exclusive and he has never let you meet this girl it seems like he has something to hide. If you are just dating you are both free to see other people until you agree to be exclusive with each other.

Maybe you need to find someone who wants to be with just you, be willing to take you out and treat you with respect. He might not want to settle down just yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:14pm
Well, first of all let me say that most women feel like damaged goods, most people are if you look at in a different light. We all have bad things that happen to us. Second, women over analyze, it's what we do. I do it all the time too. As far as for advice, did he buy the ticket for his friend? Is she giving him some type of emotional support that you are not? But they work together, I know that I am close with some of my co-workers and most of them are guys, but nothing is in a sexual way, except for the one I am having problems with (go figure). There are times that I hang out with my co-workers and not the guy that I am/was involved with and all three of them are roommates. Does he hang out with any other male friends? Also, many people go out for 21st birthdays. Are they going alone, or is this with a bunch of other people. I think that is all I have to give right now.
nena
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 7:46am

<<<<4 months later, he springs on me that he is going out with same co-worker to celebrate her 21st birthday. Well...It hit me hard...I was hurt, jealous, angry...all the things I didn’t want to be. I told him I wouldn’t ask him not to go, but it was hurtful to me that he wanted too, as I really thought we were building something good. He says they are just friends, and I said he could go and I should be ok with it. To add insult to injury this girl is not only 20 years younger, she is tall, thin and brunette, everything I not, I am petite, curvy and blonde...>>>>

I think you are WAYYYYYY overreacting, him and a bunch of coworkers are taking her out for her 21st birthday, it doesn't remotely sound like a date, jus a bunch of people going out to celebrate, and what does her being tall thin and brunette have to do with any of it??? He obviously likes your type or he wouldn't be with you right??? He said they were friends so why not believe him. You just made a group work night out to celebrate this woman's birthday into some sexy rendevoux between him and her...isn't that a bit of a leap?

Stop hiding behind the baggage excuse, because really that's what it is, it's a convenient card you can pull out when things get a little rocky and you can hide behind it. We all have baggage, some of us really horrible relationships in our past and we still get out there and don't hold one man responsible for all the rest before it.

And stop trying to be the "cool" girlfriend and saying things like "if he wanted to date someone else, closer to his age, it was ok with me." It isn't okay with you. I'd have a deep discussion with him now and tell him how you feel about him and that you want to be exclusive, you know what you said in the beginning but that it would hurt you if he was off dating someone else.

I don't think your boyfriend is ACTIVELY seeking anyone, I think you are way overanalyzing a night out with coworkers as his big play for this girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:11am

Just to clarify...it isn’t a "group of co-workers"...it’s just the 2 of them, so no, it isn’t a big leap to think of it as a date...because that is what it is.

Secondly, I wasn't trying to be the "cool girlfriend" by saying he could date others, I was trying to be unselfish. Thinking if he had someone he was interested in dating, I wouldn’t hold him back. But that was 5 months ago. I obviously have different feelings now.

Lastly...please don't presume to judge me for "hiding behind the baggage excuse". It is NOT an excuse by any means. I was crushed by the last person I gave my heart to and it has changed me, for better or worse, but it’s no excuse. Not by a damn-site!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:37pm

Then you shouldn't be dating. Everyone has baggage. If you let it interfere with your life, then you are hiding behind it.

If it is a "date" then you need to sit him down and explain that you are no longer comfortable him dating other people and you want to be exclusive. Being unselfish clearly has bitten you in the butt. You didn't want it, but offered it up to him and now he's taking it and you're upset. Don't say things you don't really mean. It always comes back and bites you.

I'm not being mean either, you wrote same coworker and I misunderstood that it was a group thing, thank you for clarifying that.

Don't think you are damaged just because some men just don't "get it" but he's taking you up on your offer of dating others, and now you aren't comfortable with it so best to nip it in the bud now. It's not a reflection of who you are or what not.




Edited 5/31/2005 2:20 pm ET ET by sniffle_sally

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