Maybe I'm just damaged goods...
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Maybe I'm just damaged goods...
| Wed, 05-25-2005 - 3:01pm |
I hope that someone can give me advice, as I am very unsure of how to handle this situation.
I am in a May/Dec relationship (I'm 41, he is 29). We have been dating for 5 months now and have suddenly hit a wall. Here is the thing...He has never had a serious relationship, so it’s all new to him. I, on the other hand was married 15+ years and had 2 relationships of a serious nature in the almost 5 years since my divorce, both had very unhappy endings and left me a rather gun-shy towards dating and men in general. So...enter my new guy...I have struggled a bit with the age difference and told him when we first began dating that if he wanted to date someone else, closer to his age, it was ok with me. He told me at that time he had plans to take a young co-worker to a country music concert in August, I was unfazed, and told him to have fun.
Now...4 months later, he springs on me that he is going out with same co-worker to celebrate her 21st birthday. Well...It hit me hard...I was hurt, jealous, angry...all the things I didn’t want to be. I told him I wouldn’t ask him not to go, but it was hurtful to me that he wanted too, as I really thought we were building something good. He says they are just friends, and I said he could go and I should be ok with it. To add insult to injury this girl is not only 20 years younger, she is tall, thin and brunette, everything I not, I am petite, curvy and blonde...so I am wondering how he is even interested in the both of us. I have been the one who stood by him in the last few months while he was broke, took him to work every day when his car was down, oh yea and slept with him, so I’m wondering where is the loyalty. He has hardly ever taken me on a real date (he had money problems for a bit) so I feel like he dropped a cool $100 for concert tickets on someone who has done nothing to help him, it doesn’t seem right. I know alot of this is MY baggage...maybe I won’t ever be able to trust another man, most have disappointed me, but I am determined to NEVER be hurt again.
I don’t want to end it, he is a good guy and I get along great with his family but I think it a mistake to become emotionally invested in a relationship where the man is actively seeking someone or something else. My daughter says I over analyze everything, and she is probably right, but that is my nature. Should I cut and run or let him take this "friend" out, even though he knows I don’t want him to/
I am in a May/Dec relationship (I'm 41, he is 29). We have been dating for 5 months now and have suddenly hit a wall. Here is the thing...He has never had a serious relationship, so it’s all new to him. I, on the other hand was married 15+ years and had 2 relationships of a serious nature in the almost 5 years since my divorce, both had very unhappy endings and left me a rather gun-shy towards dating and men in general. So...enter my new guy...I have struggled a bit with the age difference and told him when we first began dating that if he wanted to date someone else, closer to his age, it was ok with me. He told me at that time he had plans to take a young co-worker to a country music concert in August, I was unfazed, and told him to have fun.
Now...4 months later, he springs on me that he is going out with same co-worker to celebrate her 21st birthday. Well...It hit me hard...I was hurt, jealous, angry...all the things I didn’t want to be. I told him I wouldn’t ask him not to go, but it was hurtful to me that he wanted too, as I really thought we were building something good. He says they are just friends, and I said he could go and I should be ok with it. To add insult to injury this girl is not only 20 years younger, she is tall, thin and brunette, everything I not, I am petite, curvy and blonde...so I am wondering how he is even interested in the both of us. I have been the one who stood by him in the last few months while he was broke, took him to work every day when his car was down, oh yea and slept with him, so I’m wondering where is the loyalty. He has hardly ever taken me on a real date (he had money problems for a bit) so I feel like he dropped a cool $100 for concert tickets on someone who has done nothing to help him, it doesn’t seem right. I know alot of this is MY baggage...maybe I won’t ever be able to trust another man, most have disappointed me, but I am determined to NEVER be hurt again.
I don’t want to end it, he is a good guy and I get along great with his family but I think it a mistake to become emotionally invested in a relationship where the man is actively seeking someone or something else. My daughter says I over analyze everything, and she is probably right, but that is my nature. Should I cut and run or let him take this "friend" out, even though he knows I don’t want him to/

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My thoughts are... four or five months it may have been more appropriate for him and her to go out. He was at the start of a relationship with you... and people often do that even if they were only friends.
Five months later, if you are in a more committed relationship... it's inappropriate for only the two of them to go out on such an expensive date. What's wrong with just going out to lunch!!!
Men do take what we say literally and it sounded like you were giving your blessing... when in reality you were hoping he'd realize on his own and not go. You need to make it clear he is really crossing a boundry with the type of celebration. Off the record... especially since you have been doing so much for him... which brings me to the last point I wanted to make. NEVER give more into a relationship than you are getting. You have to get things out of a relationship too in order to give them and doesn't sound if you are getting that.
I don't feel the "concert/date" is really the actual issue here. It's actually the tip of the iceberg that's been building up for awhile. Really look at what the real issues are. A few that stuck out while reading this post:
1. Feeling used... giving so much during his money shortage
2. Insecurities about the age difference
3. Comparing to another person
4. Expectations of how you need to be treated vrs. how you are being treated
5. A sense that there could be something more with this girl
GOOD luck. I do know you are at a turning point in which you need to set firm boundries and be prepared to stick with them no matter what. And tell him how you are really feeling!!! Don't sell yourself short either!!! You can't control or be responsible for how he acts and feels. Has NOTHING to do with you.
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