Men, maybe you'll see this more clearly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Men, maybe you'll see this more clearly?
4
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 6:10pm

Some background:
I take classes at a local martial arts school. I have been taking this for 8 years. He has been in the art for 35 years. I have a great deal of respect for him and he does for me as well. We work out in class and on our own.

Before we worked out alone together, we were both attracted to each other last year, but I thought he was married. I got a boyfriend, he didn't know. He started to come around when I was at the school because he was interested in me, and I didn't know that. One day I introduced him to my boyfriend. He now says that that "broke his heart" cause he really was hoping to see me. sooooo.... I since then broke up with my boyfriend, and in the mean time found out he was not married. BUT I heard that he might be seeing this woman again that he'd been seeing on and off for many years. We then started training more and more and then a few times a group of us would go out and we ended up at the bar late. We very obviously have a great connection, we enjoy very much talking about our martial arts and etc.. We ended up two times kissing, and recently it took everything I had not to invite him up to my place. But as I had told him that evening, I know my lines and I have a lot of self respect and I won't cross those. I didn't. But i wanted to! He has been honest and I am as well. He and I have talked about how timing is very important and it has caused this situation to be what it is. He has had a vacation planned with her and they are going soon. He said that this should be a sort of decider of where they stand. I feel that I want to wait and see how things go with this, but I don't want to have my hopes up and I DON'T want to be stupid. I am responsible for my decisions and he is for his as well.
I don't expect all the best men (and he is by and large the best man I've met in my 40 plus years) to be sitting around waiting for me to come along. I would expect good men to be dating. He is not married, engaged and does not live with her. My thought is that if they had a real connection and love and wanted to commit to each other, they would have done it by now. It has been over 10 years that they have "dated" on and off. He has been divorced from someone else for over 20. Some of my friends have asked if I think he may have a commitment issue, and I really don't. He has lived in his own home for over 30 years, worked at the same place for over 25. His cars are well cared for and not new. He was married for 9 years and has 2 children. He is honest, and open minded. He really is a good man.

I am a patient person, but when does patience become stupid. ya know? I really do like him. I feel that we are a true match. I have really enjoyed out times together and I don't know if I really want to make him choose at this point. We are getting to know each other, and that is very good. At his age (50's) I can't expect him to just drop everything for a chance with us without some time to get his feelings clear about me.

haveing trouble formating to create a message.. what the heck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2009
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 12:36am

I dont think there is a point at which patience becomes stupid. It depends mostly on what you want, and what you are willing to sacrifice to get it.


If you TRULY believe this is THE guy, you'll wait until you change your mind, or he is yours.


 KRYSTYN 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 9:40am

I don't think you should put your life on hold waiting for him. If you'd be meeting other guys if he wasn't in the picture, then I'd say you should still go ahead and do so. That doesn't mean you need to tie yourself up in another relationship unless you meet somebody who's worth it. If finding a serious, lasting relationship is important to you, then you probably shouldn't be exclusive with anybody who doesn't seem like the have a fair chance of being that person anyway. But the thing is, you've got nothing to lose by seeing what's out there.

Right now, this guy you like isn't putting you first. He's putting the other lady first. You're right that if their relationship had no problem, they wouldn't still be on and off and undecided about each other. On the other hand, there must be something that he's getting from it, or he wouldn't still be seeing her after so long. Who knows how long the situation could continue? It could be another ten years of them being on and off with nothing decided between them. He's risking the opportunity to be with you for her, but that is his decision to make. If you just wait on the sidelines, he may take it for granted that you will be there. You need to watch out for yourself and your own future first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 7:51pm
Thank you, I agree with continuing to have patience, and I can an will. As you said, until I choose to walk away, or until he decides to come to me, whichever comes, comes.


Edited 8/28/2010 8:02 pm ET by walkinganewpath
haveing trouble formating to create a message.. what the heck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 8:01pm

I know, I don't want to put my life on hold either, and meeting people, well that would be nice, but I am not very motivated to meet people. Sadly unless it is for unattached dating. I was married for 21 years, and have dated a few people, some really just for fun, and a couple with heart and honestly, hoping to meet someone else and put my heart in doesn't sound very attractive. I am surprised my heart is in this. I certainly didn't expect it to get there. I am working full time, going to school full time and I train as much as possible and help teach kids a couple times a week. I am happy and content with just doing for a while, and then this comes, unexpectedly. I like it, I'm happy about it and i hope for good things from it. Either way I'm certain we'll be friends and continue to work out together, but I will have to put my emotions on the side. Which with school starting next week that will be helpful.

I do wholeheartedly agree that I should not put my life on hold for someone who is caught up in things that are in his forefront. I will give it only a short time to change direction and then I will separate myself in ways and open myself up for meeting others in passing. Who knows, maybe at school or something. Although most of the students are my kid's ages.

thank you again.

haveing trouble formating to create a message.. what the heck