More than friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
More than friends...
3
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 6:02pm

Hi, First time visiting this board and it looked like a good place to post this.
I have a guy friend who is great. We click really well and he is an all around GREAT guy! The problem is I just don't feel any spark with him. I feel I have tried to. He uses me as his Girlfreind stand in on certain occasions and we spent a night in a hotel together after a work holiday party. Nothing happened but we were cuddly and I just didn't feel anything. I even got a litle weirded out when he would touch me and when we were being "cuddly". That night we had the I just want to be friends talk and we have been chatting via email.

Lately I have gotten very stressed out by the relationship. My family loves this guy and everyone wants us to be together. He sent me flowers on Valentines Day withthe sweetest card ever, and today he has been emailing me and in the last one he said he wouldn't push the subject that he does like me and would like it to go further than friendship, but it is what it is. and will leave me to my own decisions and hopefully I will find someone I care about.

I am also slightly annoyed by the email because I feel like he said I don't think you know how you feel about me. and maybe I don't and maybe I am scared but i don't want you to tell me that. and if I regret my decision to stay friends then I will regret it. I have had guy friends before who have wanted more and I wasnt' interested and havent' regretted it.

I guess i am upset because I do have issues with dating, I know that. I am usually not interested in people who are interested in me. I know this isn't good but I also dont' want to force myself to feel something for soemone. I have had a few boyfriends that have come from friendships.

Sorry I know this is long but I am PMSing and this is completely stressing me out. Any advice or stroies or anything at all please feel free to share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:35am

I think that there's just nothing there between you two. He seems like a nice guy, but you're right in that you can't force feelings on someone who likes you. He's put out to you that he wants to be your BF, and wants to get to know you better. Seems like you enjoy hanging out with him, and enjoy being on the "ride" that he's got you on.

So I guess the thing is, what are your issues with dating? What are you so scared about? The thing with love I guess is that you need to take chances. You get hurt and you learn from that. Granted that you don't have that "thing" for him. But maybe you two could date for a little while and see where it goes?

I'll try to relate on my story. I do understand the whole "no feelings" thing. I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years and we have been broken up for 2 months. In that time, I have slowly separated myself from him and I go through each day with no feelings or need to be with him. I haven't been in love with him for a long time, and I know that right now we wont get back together. He's been sending me e-mails, and calling me at work on and off for the past few weeks...and in this time I haven't called him or anything like that, I've tried to ignore him several times. But we haven't gone through one week during this without talking to each other, or having some kind of contact. He told me that he wanted to be with me, but didn't want to have the serious relationship attachment. I told him that "we had the conversation as far as what I wanted and needed", and that I dont want to be with him right now, I want to date other people and see who's out there, and that he should do the same. He said that he went out on 2 dates, but it "wasn't the same".
My whole thing in that was I was with someone for so long and no commitment or "moving the relationship in the next direction" didn't happen...so why would I do that? I told him that in order for us to be together we need to be on the "same level" and be at the same place in our lives...right now we aren't. More than likely with him, it won't happen anytime soon. I told him that I don't know if we are meant to be together, but it's not right now...but if it's meant to be then it will be. I've already accepted the fact that I need to move on and I know what I want from a man.

I've been trying to do the dating thing myself, and finding it to be really slow, but at least I'm getting out there and seeing what kind of men are around. I know that it will take some time for me to find that special someone again, but in the meantime I'm going to work on myself, and have fun at the same time. You should do the same.

The nice thing is that you guys are "friends", and that really helps even if you break up with him down the road...that way the chance of you two being friends is a lot better. I'm in a position where I love my ex dearly, and I miss the friendship portion of things, but at the same time I know that the "friendship" after the relationship won't be the same...and eventually we will go our separate ways.

So value what you have now, but do what makes you happy and if you can't make the next step with him, let him know that...but you would like to be friends. He will understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:08pm

kc624...

Pianoguy thinks you have 3 issues here:

1. THE PM--ESS---ING is messing with your head. So trying to be rational is IMPOSSIBLE!
2. You really have no feelings for this gentleman....even though your family apparently LOVES him and can see a potential partnership for life?
3. Based on your 2nd to last paragraph, there's a reluctance (on your part) to commit yourself to ANYBODY!

So given these factors......why don't you just date? Don't assume that any of the men you got out with will become 'anything more than friends?' Perhaps if you take this approach, you'll discover that one (or more) of them has the qualities that you want in a man?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:01pm

Thank-you so much for your responses!!!

PMS definitely played a big part in this but I also think the pressure from everyone did too. I am starting to open up more to dating and think it is wise that I date in general. I am working on that one. :)

After a few emails yesterday and early this AM we cleared up the friend thing. He knows I care about him just not in that way. I think what I needed was for someone to say it is okay that you don't have feelings for him in that way. A validation if you will because I wasn't hearing it from my family.

"why don't you just date? Don't assume that any of the men you got out with will become 'anything more than friends?' Perhaps if you take this approach, you'll discover that one (or more) of them has the qualities that you want in a man?"

This is hard for me and it is what I am working on. I put to much pressure on things and that is not good when you are trying to date people. I am taking baby steps to do this. Thank you so much for your advice.