More than friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2005
More than friends?
7
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:44pm
My guy friend and I have been inseparable for 2 years. I started to have feelings for him and he has told me that he is attracted to me. We ended up having sex one day and afterwards, we talked about having a relationship. It ended up not happening b/c we both just didn't know. I started having feelings of resentment b/c if he put the moves on me, he should be pursuing me for a relationship. For 1 mth, I told him I needed my space and i didn't talk to him or see him in that span of time. After I took a vacation with my girlfriends, he wanted to have a "talk." He kept on telling me how much he missed me. We started hanging out again but I wasn't always available this time. We had sex again one night and woke up in each other's arms going at it again. It was nice, and I felt the passion. We looked into each other's eyes and we just cuddled alot. Afterwards, he would do little things to show that he was interested but never told me he wanted something more. We are still just friends and I want something more. Should I give up and just be the "friend", should I just admit that Men and Women cannot be friends, or do you think there's still possibility of more? I am in need of advice. Thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 3:25pm

you should never sleep with a guy until you already know what the nature of the relationship is.

establish the relationship then maybe have sex... it's backwards to think, "if i have sex with you, then will you like me?"

having sex with him isn't going to make him want more of a relationship. it means he will want to have more sex with you.

by this time, since you've already had sex and he's had more than one chance to be "more than friends who have sex", i would recommend ending this relationship (although it isn't much of one) and find a guy you like who likes you back in the same way.

and remember, hon, you don't have to have sex with guys just because they want to or because they like you.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 7:01pm

I agree with happypets. Sleeping with somebody before you've defined the nature of the relationship is generally a mistake. The fantasy is that you will wake up in each other's arms after a passionate night of sex realizing how you should have been together all along and live happily ever after from that day forward. In reality, things almost always turn out the way they did for you.

My boyfriend and I actually went from being very close friends for several years to becoming a couple. However, we waited until we were certain we wanted a romantic relationship before we allowed ourselves to get physically intimate with each other. Also, in our situation, the cards were reversed. He knew he wanted a relationship before I did.

If you've already made it clear to your boyfriend that you're interested in a relationship, and he hasn't said the same thing, then my advice to you is to move on, start trying to meet other guys and stop sleeping with him. First of all, in 95% of these cases, when you have two good friends and one wants a relationship and the other doesn't, then the one who doesn't want a relationship never comes around. So it really would be in your best interest to try to get over him.

Secondly, on the off chance that he might be interested, you're not going to help your case at all by sleeping with him and waiting around for him. I always tell my boyfriend that probably the smartest thing he ever did in terms of winning me over was not trying to win me over. While I was going through a period of wondering what I wanted from him, he was out meeting other girls, and there was always that fear in the back of my mind that he would end up with somebody else, and that afterwards I would be realizing that I should have gone for it with him and be kicking myself in the butt for not having done anything when I had the chance. When I did end up getting together with him, I actually kept thinking how lucky I was that no other girl had discovered him before I had. I also don't think I would have appreciated him as much if I was getting everything I would have had in a relationship without having to do the work of a relationship and offer a commitment.

Now, if he doesn't know yet that you want a relationship then I would advise telling him as there's always a possibility that he feels the same way, and is just afraid that it's not what you want. But if you've made it clear that you want a relationship, and he's making it clear that he prefers to leave things as they are, then you need to protect yourself and your heart. As it stands right now, he seems to be having his cake and eating it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 1:25am
Thank you Happypets and Rosewater for your good honest advice. I didn't realize what horrible mistakes I made by sleeping with him before the relationship was established. It's because I trusted him that made me let him and that was my fault. He has always taken care of me, bought me an expensive watch for xmas, Tiffany earrings, sacrificed for me numerous times, when he was off of work, he would cook for me and drive it an hour to drop it off at my work then go right home after. He always tells me he loves me so I deeply trusted him. I never told him that I wanted a relationship with him and my thinking is that if he wanted one, he would bring it up, and do anything to be with me. It's just so disappointing that it didn't work out b/c he's the only one I can actually see myself marrying. Thanks again for all your advice. I needed this to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 12:27pm

Okay, I'd have to know more of the situation to know what is really going on. But in light of the fact that you have said that you never told him that you were interested in a relationship, I need to change what I said in my first post. Or rather stress something that I just touched on briefly in my last post.

If you haven't made it clear to him that you want a relationship with him, then you should tell him so first. Only, THEN, if he says he's not willing to have a relationship, you move on. I have also heard a number of stories of two friends were both liked the other one but both just assumed the other wasn't interested, and they didn't find out until it was too late to do anything about it. I am starting to think that your situation may be one of those cases.

How do you know he doesn't want a relationship with you? Just because HE didn't bring it up, and you think if he really wanted one he would have? Well, didn't YOU really want a relationship with HIM, and YOU didn't bring it up? It sounds to me like you're being hypocritical here. Maybe you're thinking it needs to be his job to bring up wanting a relationship since he's the guy. But he could just as well be thinking that he already made it obvious that he was interested by buying you expansive stuff, and that now the ball is in your court, and if YOU'RE not saying something, it must mean that YOU'RE not interested.

The reason why I told you to move on in the first post is because I am a strong believer that a relationship has to be 50/50 to work out, abd you had made it sound like you had been doing all of the work to get a relationship started, and he wasn't willing to do any of it. But 50/50 doesn't mean that you just sit around waiting for him to do all of the chasing either. Men are at least as insecure as women. Most guys don't consider themselves to be God's gift to women and if you don't make it clear that you're interested as well, most guys will assume you're not.

Also, looking back at your first post, you say that you were both uncertain about the relationship after you slept together, but then you got mad at him for sleeping with you without wanting a relationship afterwards? But if you weren't sure what you wanted, isn't that what you did to him? Again, it sounds like you're holding a double standard.

My advice to you now is to start talking about things with him and to stop making assumptions. First, you assume that just because he slept with you he does want a relationship. Then, you assume that just because he hasn't specifically said so, he doesn't want one. He can't read your mind, and you can't read his mind. The only way to really know where thing stand is to actually sit down and discuss them.

Also, try to see things from his perspective and not just your own. That doesn't mean to make excuses for him if he's really not being fair to you. But before deciding what's fair and unfair try to think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 3:48pm
hmm, well it sounds like this issue may be over, but i thought i would put in a lil comment. i dont think that you did a horrible thing by sleeping with him. i do think that communication is important and that before ditching him you should talk to him about your feelings and desire for a relationship. if he doesnt want a relationship with you then make it clear to him that you cant continue the current friends with benefits situation. he will then be forced to choose, sometimes u have to force a choice in order for another person to see what he/she really wants. if your let it just be what it is, then he is content with that and doesnt have to make the commitment of a relationship. i may be sounding hypocritical here, but i dont think i am because in my case, we have talked about it and decided that we just arent giving it the title right now even though in everyway we are in a relationship and niether of us are seeing anyone else. anyway, just thought i would give ya one more opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:34pm

I appreciate your opinion nrsejess and Rosewater! I want to have a "talk" with him, however I just can't find the guts to. Is there a way I can show him how I feel without actually saying the words? He once tried to kiss me on the lips when he dropped me off at home, and instead of reciprocating and showing that I wanted something, I turned my head to gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek. Everytime I want to do something to show him that I am indeed interested, I just end up being more cold. He asked me to sit beside him when we watched a blockbuster movie and I asked "why?" I moved near him but i just sat there rigidly. It's frustrating b/c I've been a pal to him all this time and now that there are feelings involved, I just don't know how to act anymore.

Nrsejess, How was your "Talk" initiated? How did both of you realize that there was something more than a friendship?

Rosewater, I don't want it to be too late either but I feel like he has tried to show his interest twice already and I have blew off both opportunities. Do you think there will be another one just b/c I think I already waited too long to talk now.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:11pm

well, i had the benefit of the fact that we talk on AIM a lot and the fact that my friends have been asking questions and giving me s..t about what is going on, so i brought it up by mentioning something that they had said to me. we realized that there was more then just a friendship most recently as things have become more intimate and we have talked at least once a day for quite awhile and we talk for hours at a time. i dont know, it just seemed rather obvious that there was more than just a friendship going on.

i think that as hard as it is going to be that u just need to come right out and talk about it. i mean the fact that he has made some advances is promising, so i think that the only thing u can do is just bite the bullet. if you explain to him why you didnt take things further before (you were scared or whatever) and what is different now to make you change your mind, he will hopefully understand that. i know that confrontation is hard, but i think it may be the best thing at this point.

good luck dear,
jess