My boyfriend has lost it...please help
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| Wed, 10-12-2005 - 3:17pm |
My bf and I have been having some communication issuues. He is awfully jealous of every guy who talks to me , even his own friends. I have been loyal to him to the core. Im not a flirty girl, but I get along well with his friends. He has made comments before, and I have tried to set him straight, and he gets over it. Or so I thought. Usually he is so good to me, but he acts suspicious all the time, and makes it sound like he doesnt trust me, yet when I say "are you saying Im a liar?" he says I never said that, I dont mean that. He is so good to me, but he is jealous, and paranoid. It kills me he feels this way. I want to work this out with him. Period. Anyway, here is what happened.
I was with him all weekend and we had a great time. Sunday night we were by his friend Mikes place, and Mike came back with us to my bf's house to hang out for a bit. No big deal. Mike and I have alot in common and we talk, no flirting. My bf started fallin' asleep and I said do you want me to take Mike home. Well my bf woke up and all 3 of us were hanging out some more... Mike said he needed to get home, so I stood up and said okay, Ill take you home...got in the car, and next thing I know my bf is with us. No big deal, we all talked and joked on the way. We dropped Mike off and my bf was quiet, so I was quiet. He finally loses it and says, odd that you have nothing to say now that Mike is gone. I said you got quiet too, so I was just being quiet. He starts yelling things like how could u ask to take him home? He's my friend, and I will see to it that he gets home. Who are you to assume etc.... I was floored, then he digs up every issue we ever had, and was saying things like. I have had it, its really over this time etc... I was like if thats what you want. Although I was crying, and trying to get him to calm down.
I never thought it was about his friend Mike, I looked at it as him holding in a bunch of lil things. To make a long story short I asked him if he would like me to leave (it was 3am) and he says why do you always ask stupid questions... I went to bed, and a few hours later he came in and cuddled up next to me. I figured I would leave the next day (considering we were over according to him) but he made breakfast and we spent the day together. He was a bit distant, but kissed me and everything seemed ok considering. Im confused. We obviously didnt break up, maybe he was just mad. Who knows.
He obviously felt threatened and is jealous. I talked with another mutual friend of ours and she said that for some reason he is really jealous of you and Mike cuz we get along so well. What can I do? I want my bf to know I only care about him. Im not interested in his freinds. Im not an overly affectionate person, and maybe I need to be when he's around. Im leery of bringing up the subject with him cuz I dont want it to turn into a big argument. How should I handle it? Love him up even more? We need to talk, but I know some guys hate that...its more like leave the fight in the past...its as if he wanted to forget the whole thing. Do I let it go and try to show him more affection and when friends are around sit closer to him and etc? This is a guy who dated a girl for 10 years and was engaged only to find out she had been cheating on him for years. I have never cheated on anyone. So I understand his fears, but.... Any advice?

Run!
Echoing the sentiments of the first two posters, I strongly believe your BF is emotionally abusive. Been there and lived that! Trust me when I say that it doesn't improve and get better with time -- it only gets worse!! He's showing that he has a terribly high jealous streak, is controlling AND presumes to have the right to tell you that you can't offer a ride to one of his friends. Who died and made him god?!!
Part of the whole purpose of dating and having a BF is to get to know him well and *see* if he's worth investing your time, energy and love in building a future together. Clearly, he's *NOT*!
I would simply entitle this one:
"GAME O-VUH".
Your love is not enough to "fix" him and rather than sign up to undergo counseling with him, move on to someone who's emotionally stable.
All the best,
Heymum
Your bf obviously has a big fat trust issue. It may be that his ex only compounded the issue by cheating on him.
If you want his behavior to change you need to talk to him about it. Explain that you can't be with someone who is so jealous and doesn't trust you and that you'd like to see if the two of you can work on the issue together.
Ask him what you can do to reassure him while he deals with the insecurity and feelings of distrust he has.
It may be that he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and that it is only you who needs to change. If that's the case, you may have ot let him go as the other posters have said. But if he's willing to admit he has an issue he needs to deal with you may be able to work it out.
I had a big fat trust issue when I started dating my husband, and so did he for that matter. I talked to him and we were able to get through those issues together and help each other learn to trust each other. But I have to tell yoou it took a long time and a lot of work and I had to leanr to be brutally honest with myself. I was ready and willing to do that even though it was really tough.
Your bf may not be ready to admit he has a problem. A problem that, ultimately, only he can fix. You can be supportive and you can even make minor adjustments to your behavior (ones that wouldn't compromise your own happiness) to help during the process. But he's the one that is going to have to dig into his past and find where this lack of trust comes from, acknowledge it, acknowledge that you aren't that person who hurt him, acknowledge that his fear and insecurity are driving the two of you appart, and then he has to begin to move beyond that fear and insecurity.
It's no easy thing to do. If you think hes worth the effort talk to him and see if he's ready to be that honest with himself and work through the issue he has instead of lashing out at you. If he's not, the only emotiionally healthy alternative for you is to leave him.