My ex...my mess...please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
My ex...my mess...please help me!
11
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 4:24pm

Hello. I am in quite the mess. A mess of emotion!!

I was married to a charming and sexy guy for 6 years. He lied to me soooo many times nad just was so unstable. Well, everything finally caught up to him and he landed in jail!! He was in there about a year and I divorced him in the meantime. I met a new guy, one that I always wished he would be. Hard working, honest and stable.

Anyway, he gets out, meets a new girl and then contacts me!! I am living with the new guy and he is living with the new girl. BUT he denies living with her and insists on giving him another try. Well, I tried. I put money down on an apt. and that day, his new girl called me, she found my number on his bill and confirmed they are living together. Got my $ back and back with my BF. My BF and I have had some major problems even b-4 all of this.

He continues to call me and talk and we meet ( sometimes sex, but lately, I WON'T) He is getting married in a few weeks. I am married now too. Yes, to the BF. BUT the ex says he is getting married next year and I found out thru a relaible source it's in a few weeks. He asked me to run away with him and says he doesn't really love this girl and would rather be with me. Please understand that we did share a very strong bond and there was no closure to our ending as it eneded with him in jail. At that point, I was scared to ever trust him again!

He never really says anything nice about his fiance and I KNOW he does still love me. NOW, also....he messed up our credit when we were married and she has good credit, owns her own home, credit cards etc. She purchased 2 new vehicles for them, gave him credit cards, added him to her deed on her home, added him to her checking account, paid for him to wipe out his debt and get a drivers license again. These are all of things he wanted and his siblings all have these things. We could have, but he messesd up. He has changed things, like he doesn't lie and go drinking at the bar after work, holds a job, just really doesn't drink, drink and drink!! You get the picture, I hope!

He says if I ran away with him, it could be perfect b/c he would rather be with me BUT there are so many details to work out it seems so hard to do. Yes, he KNOWS I am married. I haven't lied to him about my relationship at all. MY relationship is rocky and has been for the longest time and even when I am NOT speaking to my ex, we have major issues.

He called me from his bachelor and her bachelorette party like 4 times. He says just a family get together, I heard different and I beleive the source. Does he love this girl? Why is he getting married? He says it was her that proposed it, not him. And I could kinda beleive that as I know people that do know her. He says he hates his sex life with her and never has sex. He knows that I won't, so not sure if that's the reason for all of this. WHAT DOES HE WANT??? I LOVE HIM TOO, BUT WHY IS HE DOING ALL OF THIS? I AM SO CONFUSED. MY MARRIAGE SUX TO BEGIN WITH...PLEASE HELP MW WITH THIS MESS!!!!! oh yeah, we have no kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 7:50pm
Hon, tell me that you're joking. You can't seriously love a guy who behaves in this manner?
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 11:27pm

Thanks so much for the reply. Although it's small, it's to the point.

I don't know if I love him still or if this is all egotistical?? Could it be that I think I love him still in a deep way b/c he is getting married and I want to be the number one again??

Do you think in spite of all the things he has changed, that he is still ANY of the things to her he did to me?? He NEVER cheated on me...i know this!!! But I mean, spending excessive amounts of money, maybe drinking excessively on the weekends??

They say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and I have a friend that is a Corrections Officer and works for a prison, and he says "He'll be back...give it time, he stole and has a history of this in his youth and most likely, he'll be back" Do you think so??

I just need someone to tell me that they have or known someone that has ended a relationship and the ex seems so much more desirable and "fixed" with a new lover, only to get the ex back to find that he/she is the SAME person with the same faults. HELP!!

Someone give it to me harshly!!! Tell me he is NO GOOD for me OR her and tell me why so I can see it as a person without the past feelings!!! I can handle it!!

Thanx!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:19am

But the thing is....he's not *fixed*. While he appears to have lost some bad behaviours, in reality, he's simply replaced them with other bad behaviours.

Have a look at how he's treating his fiance. He's telling her that he's going to marry her, all the while he's trying to make a relationship with you. He says that he hates sex with her, yet still plans a future with her. (It's bad enough that he's continuing the relationship, but to disrespect her by telling people that sex is bad is just too low).

Unfortunately, I can't tell you about going back to an old love who's made big changes to bad traits.....because I'd never give a man with terrible habits another chance. It's all about self esteem and self protection.

Please don't do it. He's a con artist and a user.

In the meantime, continue to sort out your current marriage. Figure out whether or not it's worth saving. But even if you leave your husband, DON'T go back to your ex.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:01am

I know that you are right. And it's true, he has replaced bad with new bad!! I guess I never looked at it like that.

Thanks so much for your time. I mean that. This has been driving me crazy and it's tearing me apart emotionally. Always thinking and planning and I'm not even sure for what!! My husband is an honest and hard working man. He makes mistakes, but no where near the ones my ex made! Maybe I am expectating too much from my husband, I mean I of all people know that nobody is perfect!

Thank You!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:58am
I say work at your marriage. The ex has too many issues. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are that depsite his feelings he remains with this woman. If he was truly unhappy he would end that regardless of his standings with you. I do believe that people can change their old ways but they have to want to change them and I don't sense that in this situation. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:23am

Thanks. I have been reading other posts here and I was hoping that you and nikki with some numbers in her name, would reply. aisha has and I am happy b/c she too gives honest and great advice.

You are right. Maybe my ego is getting the best of me too. It's like he challenges my ego by saying he wants me and loves me but stays with her, therefore I am competeing aginst his fiance?? Who knows?? I always seem to tell myself "forget about him" and after a month or so, he will call me again!! I even changed my cell number and NOBODY had it and sure enough, he calls me and says " You can't hide from me!"

He lied to me so many times when we were married and maybe he is sorry and regrets losing me. That's what he says anyway. I can't help but to beleive that he stays with her b/c he has what his siblings have...house, new cars, money in the bank, good credit and someohow I think his family has attributed his criminal behavior of stealing (behind my back, it's true...I knew nothing!!!!) to being with me. So maybe he thinks they would say he is stupid to give all of this stability up to go back to me and struggle. (he wouldn't, I have accumulated assets of my own) Which is such a joke b/c HE had a histroy of this behavior before me (I didn't know this until it came out in court, it was forgery on his ex GF checks as a minor) He wrote bad checks on my account and I can't even get a checking account b/c of it. His family all knew he had unstable qualities, but I think I am to blame somehow.

So, that's why I beleive he is staying with her even though I don't think he loves her in a way that marriage is the answer, but b/c she is giving him the ability to look stable and "fixed" finally. Do you think he is or do you think he will eventually screw up her credit too?? She has already re-financed her home and tapped out her equity to add him to her deed and they consolidated. He LOVES to spend money!! He has shared with me that she goes online everyday to see how much money he is taking out and worries he is spending too much.

Please tell me, but honestly tell me, do you think she will later regret marrying him and see why I divorced him?? He is very charming and sexy and very fun to hang out with. He is very affectionate and attentive...I miss those things. My husband is not attentive like ex was. In that regard, I am jealous of the fiance.

And lastly, he always says she is not pretty, but she is cute. He always says she is NOT his type and being around her for 15 minutes drives him crazy. I know people that know her and she is bossy and plain and not his type at all. Why is he choosing her?? See what I mean...ego for me, ya think so???

Please help!! Thanks so much for reading

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:42am
You need to come to terms that it doesn't even matter why he is still with her, if he will mess up her credit as well, if she is not pretty but just cute, etc. That is not relevant at all!!!! You may want to be with him so then address the other issues like trust, honesty, loyalty, etc not her! What difference does it make if he messes up her credit? Then will that validate your action to not be with him????? It's like you want to see him fail with her so that you know you're not missing out on much and that it wasn't you after all. Step out of the bubble and look at the picture in front of you. Do you really want to be with a person like this? He is not stable financially, a user, is a cheater I mean look at what he is doing to this girl. He may not love her, he's right but what kind of heartless person uses someone like he is using her. You may not like her but she has a heart as well and nobody deserves to be cheated on especilly since she is truly giving him her all. Look at that! You say you want to know if he will ruin her credit right?...ask yourself If I am with him will he cheat on me as well? Ask the important relevant questions not the insignificant ones. Also, think about what you're doing to your husband. What about him? What fault does he have that he deserves to be cheated on whether physically or emotionally. You are not being fair to your marriage. Respect that which deserves respect and that is your husband. Step back from your ex he seems toxic. Play your cards right before you find yourself by yourself. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:47pm

BINGO!!! You hit it on the nail...that's why I am happy to have you reply. That's it...I want him to fail with her so I know I didn't mess up by not waiting for him. At the time though, I felt like if I didn't get him outta my life, then I would have faced criminal charges or something b/c of his bad choices.

I feel like this man that I loved and enjoyed being with had so many issues to overcome and I stuck through soooooo much of it and was broken hearted so many times and I loved him and I know he loved and still does love me. You're right, I shouldn't elaborate on her, but I feel cheated that I went through 6 years of hell to get him to see that the way he is now is how normal functioning citizens behave, and SHE benefits from it all!! UGH!!

My husband......I have shared some of these feelings with him and he is so mature that he understands how I would feel slighted. I have shared with him that my ex contacts me now and then. Obviously I have not shared every detail. But you're right, he doesn't deserve that either. But without going into any details, he has chosen other things over our relationship and it has caused deep problems even while my ex was still in jail. So, he is not completely innocent. And NO, he did not cheat on me, it was other things with his friends and he has lied to me too. Certainly not the big ones that my ex used to do. There is no comparison between the two of them in terms of stability in marriage.

Keep the advice coming...it's starting to work and help me see clearly. Please help me!!

Again...thanks soooo much for the time to share and read this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:13pm
Just stay focused and remind yourself that he is no good for you. Don't think that you helped him and now someone else is enjoying this new man b/c that's not true. He may have changed in certain aspects but he is a cheater and you don't want that in your life. He may have changed certain things but he has a long way to go and you should be happy that you don't have to be a part of his growing up process! Be happy that you are relieved from all the stress factors that go along with him. Now she has to carry that burden.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:11pm

>>way he is now is how normal functioning citizens behave, and SHE benefits from it all!! UGH!!<<

Sweetie, you need to remind yourself that he's *not* behaving how normal functioning citizens behave. Look at how he's treating his current girlfriend....the cheating, the lying and the backstabbing. His behaviour is neither normal or acceptable.

Try and keep the issues regarding your ex and your current husband separate. It may be that NEITHER of them is right for you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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