My Fiance kissed a coworker - What to do
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| Fri, 12-16-2005 - 2:31am |
Hi,
I need some advice, I wrote a while ago but things haven't gotten better.
In june of this year I found out my fiancee kissed his coworker, who he'd been talking about for months and claiming she was just a friend.
He didn't want to deal with it but did go to counciling, but we couldn't talk, really talk till now. I got frustrated that he wouldn't stop talking to this girl and finally gave him the ring back a week ago. We live together, bought a wonderful house a year ago and he proposed this last march....
anyways, I was seeing a therapist for a long time, thought I was needy but they always told me I did nothing wrong, I wanted him to admit for so long that he cheated because he worked long hours, sometimes didn't come home till 3 am... and he was too tired to have sex or kiss me like he used to. I thought it was this woman. He didn't start really talking to me till 3 days ago.
Problem is, I met someone, a really nice guy at work that I've noticed for the last 4 years. Something at work came up and he sent me an email saying that he was sorry for the problmes but he thought i've been looking sad and if I needed to talk I could.
So thinking things were over, I gave my ring back, nothing was changing... I started talking to him. I was already attracted and I don't know if it's a rebound from a 7 year thing or if it's real.... but he's been giving me gifts and very sweet, saying things like I don't care if you stay with him, I want you to be happy. I've never laughed as much as I do with you... I want to marry you, lets go to vegas. I really know that he is truly being sincere, and it's such a high from the last 7 months of trying to touch my fiancee and him pulling away saying he's tired, or dosn't feel good or what not.
This guy is a really sweet guy.... and I'm just scared that i'm rebounding fast.
My fiancee started really talking to me 2 nights ago, after I moved into our upstairs bedroom... he says he's sorry and wants another chance...
But I feel like I've moved on so much. I don't want to be treated like he treated me and it's still going on. He's still at work, I know work demands alot... but it's just I feel so neglected. I don't want to feel like that if we have kids together.
This other guy is amazing... I actually couldn't control my self and kissed him in the elevator late one night at work. We don't work together but we talk alot on smoke breaks, I started smoking again when my fiancee cheated.
Am I being crazy or should I try longer....
I just feel like I've given my fiancee 7 years of my life, struggled to get that ring, struggle to get him to even send me flowers for v-day, is that insane? And this great guy, says he's been watching me for 4 years, says i'm beautiful, wonderful and wants to go to vegas...
I'm nuts I know, but I really need some advice. In my heart I think that it's over between my fiancee and I....though he has turned around so much these last 3 days, I'm scared it will change back to who he has been for the last 6 months, a guy that couldn't care less if i'm walking around in next to nothing, someone who likes to play fantasy football till 1am... along with the kissing the coworker and talking to her all the time... how could I not love this new guy...
He's older and a bit wiser, but i'm amazed he dosnt' make me feel guilty.... really, he says he's not this kind of person, I just bring it out and he's cute and not as well paid as my fiancee, but he gives me his time and his energy, and brings me a new pez toy everyday, he want's to know all about me, and it feels so good.
I sing in the bathtub alot at night because I love to sing, and my fiancee will just ignor me and go on the computer, I know this new guy would be enthralled... and I don't know if it's selfish or what or crazy but i'm falling for him and it's soo soon and I'm living in the house my fiancee and i bought, but i'm not wearing a ring, he hasn't sent me anything to apologize....
Any advice? I know I wrote a novel.
He's still at work now, and i'm at home alone, I guess that says alot.

Hi Webkitty,
Here's my two pesos....
Take a step back from both men. Forget about them for a minute and think long and hard about the type of man you want, the type of r'ship you want, and how you want to be treated.
How well does your fiance measure up? I imagine quite poorly. No woman in her right mind would say, "My perfect guy makes a great living and I've been with him forever and a day, but he also cheats on me and would probably rather watch paint dry than go to counseling to deal with his issues, ignores me at home (even when I'm wearing my best lingerie), and would rather spend time playing stupid computer games than get busy with me!" How does that size up your fiance?
Anyway, I digress.
I think you should dump your fiance. He's already showed you that he doesn't value honesty and fidelity in a r'ship.
As for the new guy, I'd be wary of him. Wanting to run off to Vegas and get married is a SUPER-SIZED RED FLAG. While it might be fun to run off to Vegas for the weekend, stopping by ANY chapel to pledge "I do forever and ever" absolutely would NOT be a part of the deal. No way, no how. And besides, he's the rebound guy....
As for the house? If you really love it and could see yourself still living there and maybe giving it a makeover so that it feels "new", buy out your fiance and stay. If not, then move on...
Good luck!
H~
I hate to have to say this because I'm in a "dump him or marry him" situation myself and I know how hard this is to hear.
You gotta let him go.
A relationship without trust is not worth having and frankly, a cheater is always a cheater. He may not actually go and sleep with someone else, but he'll always want to, and you deserve better.
This other guy has nothing to do with your fiance, but I think its good that he's there, because he's reminding you that you won't die without your fiance. There are other guys out there for you. Not necessarily this one guy, but someone.
While you probably should be single for a while after a 7 year relationship (I'm well into year 5 on mine) if you meet someone great, timing may have to take a backseat.
As an example, one of my best friends was in a 5 year relationship with a guy she planned on marrying. Something happened and they ended up breaking up. Within a few weeks she met a guy at work, who had had a crush on her for months.
A year and a half later they were married.
Marie
First, I definitely think you need to separate these two issues in your life.
The first and most important one is:
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